Disturbed relationship with son.

[Libby183]

I have been reading some really helpful things elsewhere on OOTS about relationships between parents and grown up children. Elphanigh was talking about her mother's visit and got some really good advice.

I talked to my autistic spectrum son yesterday, who told me that he found me scary. When stressed, I tend only to act out to my StbxH and its usually about things I can't cope with in the house, especially as I genuinely get no help. Hence his desire for divorce, I suppose!

So I asked my son why he was scared and he said it was because of an event, nine years ago, where I made him do something he didn't want to do. He admits his father also encouraged him to do it and offered him money. He did it.

I tried to explain, very simply, about my disorder, and its roots in my childhood. He disliked my parents intensely so he may have got it a bit. When I think of all his autistic melt downs that I had to deal with alone (they were often school related and his father was at work), where I was left with bruises and bite marks, it seems so harsh that he can't accept my melt downs, which weren't ever directed at him.

He has elected to live with his father. I think that is connected to money. I asked him if he would ever want children and he said, certainly not as he would rather save the money.

Sorry for the ramble. I wonder if anyone has anything to say about this relationship. I am at a loss as to how to move forward.

Thank you again.

Libby.

[Wattlebird]

Hi Libby
I'm not sure what advice to give, maybe validate his fears ? Something like "I'm sorry that scared you so much" and what can I do that would help you not to be scared of me?
I really don't know if this is any help though as I don't know how he would react to that. But that's what I would say to my kids but they aren't autistic and I think the dynamics would be quite different.
he may just need some time and consistency to feel more secure atm ?
Sorry you have this worry on top of everything else, what a nightmare.

[snailspace]

Hi Libby

You sound a wonderful caring mum and I'm full of admiration for you caring for your son and dealing with his behaviour.  I've worked with autistic people but have no direct experience and can only glimpse what it must be like day in and day out.  You know your son, what motivates him and what threatens him so if I was to give you any advice it's for you to trust your instincts on this one.


I agree with Wattlebirds suggestions about giving validity, time and stabilty.  Probably all the things that you've been doing already bringing him up, but perhaps even more so now given the potential change for him.  It must be so hard and painful for you right now, given the circumstances and your own cptsd issues and my heart goes out to you.

Regarding the cptsd I know for myself that i feel overly resonsible for everything and everyone.  If someone in the family is in a bad mood I feel instantly guilty - I recognise this now as it's been pointed out to me so it is getting better and I can stand back a bit.  I gather that these patterns can become more exacerbated if one feels under stress.  If your son is old enough and deemed mentally capable of making his own decisions then he can do this.  It may help him feel more in control of his his life - even if money is the motivating factor!  (it may be also be his comfort fall - back?)

It sounds as if you've been very careful with your children in keeping your arguments private and out of ear shot of the children.  I can picture the scene as I've seen so often with the autistic daughter I'm currently working with....mum endlessly trying to coax daughter into doing something, both parents totally fed up and then dad coming along and bribing daughter with what motivates her.  Yes! needless to say daughter is a daddy's girl. 

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with. It sounds very rough, I think I would be really stressed and hurting emotionally in that situation.

I don't have experience with autism, but maybe if your son values money so highly, you could give him a gift of money along with your explanation and apology for scaring him, and something tangible like maybe a stuffed animal if appropriate, or something else that he can touch to remind him of the fact that you love him and want him to be comfortable with you....

[snailspace]

Hi again Libby
Do you remember the incident your son is talking about?   And how he could perceive this to be scary for him?  Perhaps this is part of his condition but like I say you'll know how his mind works.

I think I'd be upset.  my grown up children have been scared of me at times when I've got cross with them for not doing such and such, especially when younger.  But they know that I love them.  I hope your son can take in a little of your point of view and realise that you love him. and that you can repair  your relationship with him.

I've heard that which memories we recall from the past tell us more about our current state of mind - I have no idea if this is true and has any bearing on why your son has said all this now? 

Best wishes to you Libby

[Libby183]

Thank you for all of your responses. As ever, each one has a useful perspective.

Snailspace, that was a very interesting idea about how memories that arise reflect how we are feeling in the present, more than how we felt at the time. I do remember the event, but really it was just one event in a long series, where he viewed me as the person who caused his upset. He blamed me for his autism diagnosis, but that was down to the school. He blamed me for making him go to school, whereas his dad wasn't involved with the school at all. He never attended any parents evenings, meetings, plays, anything. So for my son, it is cut and dried. I am the baddie!

We have been quite OK together, because his father hasn't been here. I think it is the best I can hope for.

Thanks again.

Libby.