Holding Space for Me, Myself, and I

[movementforthebetter]

I am journaling again.

Life was bumpy for the first month and a half after the big move cross-country. But things are mostly settling down now, so it's time to start looking forward again. In hindsight I'll probably hardly remember all but a few key points of the last weeks, so no need to document it all here.

I have been applying for jobs, mainly at the urging of my S. O. He thinks routine will do me well. It's true that I have a tough time with unemployment. But I applied for several jobs in my field and have come to the conclusion I can't handle a serious job currently. He is very supportive but I know he also wants me to have an income and not just live off savings. I don't want to run out of money, either.

I have lingering trauma from my last job. Seeking, applying, and getting 1 interview and 1 short-term offer lead to days of work nightmares, constant anxiety, and some physical symptoms for me. I've realized I need to scale it all back. I'm looking for a very basic part or full-time job close to home. No more commuting over 30 min. No more taking responsibility for things I can't control. My boundary bubble begins and ends with me for the foreseeable future. No taking on extra. No trying to live up to my "potential", which is really the expectations of others.

I look generally healthy at first glance, but I am not. I'm going to appear selfish and confusing to others but I can't help what they think when they barely know me. I still need to find a Dr here, and a therapist. Unexpected circumstances mean that I have been pressured back to work before I am ready, but I will hold firm on how much of my life work can dominate now.

This means I will only make minimum wage most likely, but there will be two incomes now, so life doesn't feel so dire when I look at it objectively.

I am holding space in my life for my own wellness, which is an ongoing journey.

[movementforthebetter]

I am having difficulties adjusting to coupled life again. Feelings linger that make it hard for me to feel totally safe, particularly at night. Bad dreams of my old job or coworkers persist when I do sleep, though 2 months have passed.

I write from the couch tonight. I have always needed space to sleep. In my old place I had a queen bed to myself. I could flop around in my insomniac aerobics. Now I share a double bed with my love and 2 cuddly cats. I can't move easily and feel squeezed. The couch is a refuge of restlessness. I want us to buy  bigger bed asap.

My SO is kind, loving, and patient. He also snores like a rusty buzzsaw. If I don't fall asleep right away, I end up on the couch, and same if I wake up. I wish I was a better night sleeper. I need the strongest earplugs money can buy, and à weighted blanket. I'm a high-maintainence person in my own ways, haha.

I feel guilt at being unable to share the bed, and he feels guilt about snoring.

A week after I mentioned to my SO that I worry his apnea my be serious, because my F had apnea and died of a heart attack, So told me he was going to see his doctor about it. Amazing.

I went with him as he said his Dr may be able to take me on. She did, took my basic history on the spot, didn't rush, and refilled my scrips for several months. Dr-wise I have finally won the lottery because of my SO. I am so grateful.  She's down to earth, and it's true, he and I are family now. Normal people do this for each other.

[Wattlebird]

I'm so glad that your SO is kind loving and patient, I'd be getting a bigger bed asap as well, sleeping problems are a dreadful problem to cope with. Hope all goes well with job hunting if that's what u decide but take your time, sounds a bit triggering.

[Not Alone]

I can relate to what you said about looking for a job and working. I just got a part-time job. My job is fairly stress-free, but just having to be "on" feels stressful. Overall I think it is good for me to have some structure and places I have to be. I only worked 12 hours this week, but I still gave a big sigh of relief that I don't have to be anywhere tonight or tomorrow. Also turned down an opportunity to work more hours tomorrow. I hope you find something that you enjoy, but that is not overly stressful. Give yourself permission to be "under-employed."

[movementforthebetter]

I'm not sure what to make of the part of me that's resistant to recovery. In me, others sometimes see someone who can be contrary and defensive or unable to take criticism.

I can take criticism, but tone and delivery are extremely important. With me, people are responsible not just for the message, but also how it's delivered, and they tend to turn that back onto me, in many of my experiences.

I want to recover, but at what point have I finally "recovered"? What exactly is the goal? When is the work I've done "enough"? The road of recovery feels like a conversation with my FOO at times.

When I had my therapist I had goals to work towards. Work interfered with most of them, and some changed along the way. Eventually the therapist vanished, went on leave and didn't respond to messages after offering skype sessions. I can't help but feel it's an indictment of me as a person, although it's at least as much an indictment of her professional conduct.

In my time with the therapist I actually made a rough 5 year plan... First time ever. And I have accomplished two of my goals so far. I could probably accomplish the rest without further therapy. I could just self-direct my healing at this point.

The more "recovered" I am, the less I like people, can trust them, or am inclined to want to be near them. That can't be the proper outcome, can it. But from what I've read from other posters on the forum, it's a valid one, and not unheard of.

I think right now I need to take a break from "working" at healing, and just live and see if any of it will happen on its own. I've learned a lot in the past couple years. I think it's time I give myself credit for that.

Goals I will be working at:

1. Pay down debt because it limits my freedom.

2. Get a car again, if I need one for work. Get one otherwise if I find myself in a position to afford it.

3. Find the unicorn job.

4. Make art.

5. Engage more in the present, with people where possible. They're not all write-offs.

[Blueberry]

In my time with the therapist I actually made a rough 5 year plan... First time ever. And I have accomplished two of my goals so far. ...

for 'first time ever' and  for accomplishing two of them

The more "recovered" I am, the less I like people, can trust them, or am inclined to want to be near them. That can't be the proper outcome, can it. But from what I've read from other posters on the forum, it's a valid one, and not unheard of.

Valid and not unheard of. I notice it too in different contexts, e.g the more I heal, the harder it becomes to work and the more I notice how badly I'm affected by cptsd, how constrained I am by it. With people too come to think of it  - I find them increasingly strenuous. My T thinks it's a good sign - I'm no longer willing to put up with 'everything' people throw at me. Maybe there's a silver lining in there for you too?

Exactly, your ex-T's vanishing says a lot about her professional conduct. Full stop. Not about you.

[movementforthebetter]

The job I have is pretty simple and low stress. I work hard and try to challenge myself. Both within my job and within myself. I have found myself conscious enough to recognize some thoughts as unhelpful, and reframe them. But not a lot. Just a few times.

I still have the same old challenges: not enough resources to excel, mismatched work ethics and attitudes, racist co-workers, and weird interpersonal interactions and assumptions I don't know how to handle in the moment.  The difference is that I have no responsibilities for things out of my control! It's easier to shrug off the other stuff if I stay focused.

It's quite physical work, repetetive, and on concrete. I worked an 11 hour shift last week because there's a lot of pressure on people to take overtime. I almost couldn't walk after. My legs ache even thinking about it. But in normal lengths, it keeps me moving, and that's likely good for my health. Speaking of which, forgot to tell my Dr. about my brother's auto-immune disorder when she took my family history... And my grandfather's Alzheimer's. Need to remember these next time.

As for me, internally, it still feels like life  is on hold. I'm hoping I may find part-time work near home before too long, so I can refocus on what's good for me, and not just what pays the bills. But aside from some floaty anger and occasional bad days, I'm doing ok.

[sanmagic7]

I'm no longer willing to put up with 'everything' people throw at me.

i think this is a biggie, at least for me.  the healthier i feel, the less nonsense i want in my life, and there's an awful lot of nonsense out there.

you asked about recovery.  to me, recovery is all about finding the ways to get myself to being the healthiest (phys., mental, emot., spiritual) me i can be.  will i ever be completely healthy?  probably not.  but each step i take toward that goal allows me to feel a little bit better about myself and my involvement in the world.  and i like that.

i think you're doing quite well, mftb, not only in reaching goals, but also in figuring out what works for you, what you want to accomplish, what doesn't quite fit, how much is ok for you to do, and all the rest.  that's a lot.  you go!  well done overall, to my mind.  keep on truckin'.  love and hugs.

[movementforthebetter]

In general I've been pretty conscious lately that my thoughts are just thoughts. It hasn't stopped me from having difficult days, but it has made them a bit easier to bear.

In the last week I've had some hard (for me) conversations with my SO about how my needs aren't being met. I've been pretty grumpy in some of the talks, and I worry my tone may jeopardize the messages. I think it's terribly unfair to expect a person to never come across as angry or upset when other emotions are more acceptable. But I do feel that he may take anger personally, when really I am frustrated and want him to understand the seriousness of my words. I know that many people feel expressing anger with any intensity at all is unacceptable. I think this is a weird North American cultural thing. Like many people think they've evolved beyond the effects of uncomfortable emotions. As if.

The talks will help us identify actions we can both take towards our goals. It's ultimately a good thing. I just wish I didn't have to do this emotional labour.

I think this is where my learning to self-parent will pay off. I'm looking out for me, even when it's going to cause some friction.

I can do this in my most intimate relationship but still struggle with acquaintances. I think it's because I don't know if they are "safe" or not.

[movementforthebetter]

Tonight I almost called my mother, but I couldn't do it. When I called before Christmas, she started in on me immediately with factually incorrect political points and we argued. I was really thrown off by it. Had been expecting our usual bland call.

I tell her next to nothing since I realized I will never be accepted for who I really am, especially if I call out harmful prejudices in my own family. It's generally more peaceful that way, and slightly less stressful.

The result is that I haven't spoken to her in months. That's one thing.

The other, though, is that I haven't spoken to my friends since I left my old home. I can't bring myself to. I get lonely and anxious about it sometimes but I have no idea what to say. My life here is okay but aside from my SO not what I hoped it would be and I don't have energy or money to improve it further, currently. I felt abandoned by my friends, moved all by myself, though I had help in the lead-up. It felt like years of friendship held nothing in the end. I can barely bring myself to even participate on social media.

I have a huge barrier preventing me from reaching out to them, and I don't even know if I want to. I'm trying to sort out life here, and that's overwhelming enough most days.

[movementforthebetter]

It's been a long time. Life is essentially in a holding pattern, and has been for about 6 months.

I reached a point where it seemed like my temp job would become permanent and since I had increased stability I decided to taper off my meds. Then I was laid off unexpectedly with no notice, and then hired back. So not an ideal time to be doing this, but change really is the only constant.

I didn't feel much help from my meds over the last year. Just rough side effects. I was still having deep downswings, and my anxiety seems to be increasing. So it's not the right med for me.

I've realized how much of my life is limited by anxiety and C-PTSD. I'm now basically living catering to it, to not aggravate it. I guess I'm ok with that for now because I don't have the energy and resources to do more to "overcome" it. I don't want to suffer anymore, and accepting whatever that looks like in reality is a victory in its own way.

Work is still difficult. I work too much for too little. I've had pains throughout the summer that escalated to the point this week that I woke up in tears and thought I would need to quit. Everything was on fire. And being a tem means no benefits. I don't work, I don't earn. So I am working through the pain, doing my best to heal. It objectively sucks.

Been thinking about family. I won't see them this Christmas after all, and I'm relieved. But I still have to tell them. I wish I wasn't such a coward with my boundaries. I used to have more fight in me. As the years go on, my preferred method has been to fade into silence. Not showing much mastery of my own life. But I am what I am. Maybe it's a narcissist on one hand, and a self-preservationist on the other.

[Blueberry]

It's good to hear from you again, movementforthebetter. I'm sorry your work situation is so bad though. otoh it's a step forwards that you're accepting things the way they are. 

Sometimes fading into silence with family is better than fighting boundaries. The latter can be tiring and can stir all the emotions up ime anyway. However you choose your self-preservation that's what counts.