Discovery Journal

[Three Roses]

My third attempt at Journaling.

***

I'm so hard on myself. I think one thing that's kept me from writing about my experiences is my perfectionism; punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc., which I try to pay mind to; but I always seem to let errors squeak thru.

So this journal will not be subject to those rules. I'm going to use slang, bad (corny) humor; going to let my attitude show; my sentence construction will not be held up to scrutiny. I may misspell words. I am rewriting my self-imposed rules and throwing off the burden of others' opinions of me, which I take waaaay too seriously!

***

I took the ACE test and scored a 5 - but some of my childhood experiences were not listed as a choice, or I had to choose "no" because of the way the question was worded.

POSSIBLE TRIGGERS HERE....

For instance, question three asks if an adult or person at least 5 years older than you ever touched, fondled, etc., and I had to choose "no" because my sibling was 4-1/2 years older. (Although my 9th grade gym teacher touched me once inappropriately, I felt threatened but I don't know if I can call it sexual.) And while the survey asked if I ever felt physically in danger, there was no question asking if anyone had actually tried to kill me, which they had.

There was no question asking if either parent had ever told me I could no longer live with them, which happened to me and it really affected me very much. Especially when my M asked F how he thought I was supposed to make a living out there, my F answered, "She can sell her * on the street for alI I care."

Did I ever witness my F physically abuse my M? No, but I did witness him being physically, pyroclastically violent with anyone and everyone at the drop of hat. Road rage with his wife and kids in the car. Fist fights at family gatherings ("Merry Christmas!" *pow*). Verbal altercations with strangers, again, wife and kids present. Fights with neighbors.

Before he retired my husband was a plumber, and there's a joke that goes around that everything you need to know to be a plumber is gas goes up, poop goes down, and payday is Friday. Well, the poop really did roll downhill in our family, and everyone's expressions of anger landed on me. There was SO MUCH anger in our family, and each expressed it differently.

I'm going to stop here for now, and hope I can continue this journal.

[Wattlebird]

Hi 3r,
I'm glad you have decided not to worry about grammar spelling etc it's one of my concerns as well, as I have difficulty, struggled with it throughout school and in higher education, but I'm no longer worried here. Good for you 
I also encountered similar ace score problems with no references to things people would surely call abuse.
Why they chose 5 years is beyond me, someone 4 yrs older certainly renders you just as powerless as 5 but 
I'm sorry you had to suffer such horrible circumstances, I've multiple plumbers in my direct family and smiled at that saying, I haven't heard it before.

[woodsgnome]

That was perfectly expressed, especially for someone worried about perfectionism blocking you in the past. Only your inner critic wouldn't feel comfortable, which is too bad, eh?  Stepping beyond those self-imposed restraints and rules must have felt good, too.

So here's a big vote for just letting go.     I hope it feels good, in spite of the hard parts. You deserve the best, most honest voice you can find to fully express what you need to say. 

[Three Roses]

Thanks for saying you noticed that too about the ACE, Wattlebird. (My husband had added a fourth rule - "Never lick your fingers at work." )

Thanks, Woodsgnome, for saying I deserve to let go and feel good about it.

You're both awesome. 

[Deep Blue]

Hey 3Roses,
I think this new journal is a huge step forward.  I think letting go of some of that perfectionism is key in allowing ourselves to grow.

I agree with you about the ACE test as well.  I also wondered about what I could hear happening behind closed doors. Plus that anger at the drop of a hat is volatile.  It really is.  Thanks for sharing so bravely. 

[Three Roses]

Thanks for validating my opinion on the ACE, DB. I think it's an important diagnostic tool, don't get me wrong. My score may be "just a five" but I feel my "real" score is much higher.

[Three Roses]

Thanks, BeHea1thy! What you said felt very validating to me. 

🥀🥀🥀

POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING, ROAD RAGE, ANGER ISSUES

I've been reliving a night in my mind, over and over the last few days. My family had been at my aunt's house - we often gathered with my F's two brothers' and sister's families on weekends. I don't remember anything happening out of the ordinary that night. But in the car on the way home, we encountered a drunk driver heading straight toward us driving on the wrong side of the street. I'm upset, mom's upset, don't remember what B was doing. Thankfully the drunk driver is moving very slowly. Somehow he passes us and continues on his way. (I recall us having to come to a complete stop and wait for the other driver to realize he had to go around us, but that's foggy in my memory.)

Suddenly my F angrily throws the car into reverse, and turns to look behind us. I can see my dad's face in the dim light inside the car. He is looking over the back of the driver's seat, arm over the back of the bench seat, as turned around as a person can be and still drive. He has an angry look on his face and he steps on the gas, moving us backward toward the other car, my mom is yelling, I think I'm crying, we are going to crash into that other car. Ram him from behind.

Somehow my mom gets thru to dad, and he stops the car. They argue for a few minutes. We continue on our way home.

His anger would erupt at times, and other times you could see a slow boil building. Sometimes there was no way to prepare for an angry outburst, but when I saw it coming, I usually tried to get him to laugh, or distract him. My "fawn" response was born.

Enough for now.

[Deep Blue]

Oh sweetie,
That is a terrible thing to have happened.  I see you recognizing your fawn response here as excellent self analysis.

That must have been awful.  That anger... it still haunts me from my abusers.  The fear I felt, the heavy feeling in my chest.  I'm sitting with you in this sweetie.  I freeze but fawning isn't too far off.   

[Blueberry]

That was perfectly expressed, especially for someone worried about perfectionism blocking you in the past. Only your inner critic wouldn't feel comfortable, which is too bad, eh?  Stepping beyond those self-imposed restraints and rules must have felt good, too.

So here's a big vote for just letting go.     I hope it feels good, in spite of the hard parts. You deserve the best, most honest voice you can find to fully express what you need to say. 

Way to go, 3R! 

I agree with you on the ACE test  - a useful tool but in your case, there are so many questions missing. I disagree with the 5 year age difference stipulation too. B1 is only 1 1/2 years older than me and his emotional and physical abuse has had a profound affect on me, but it used to be dismissed by Ts, even trauma-informed ones.

[Sceal]

That roadrage incident sounds truly scary, first to be scared of being hit by a drunk driver, then what the roadrage of what your father might do. It must have been so frigthening to go through, and so exhausting to keep having those memories replay in your mind over and over. I hope they will dissipate soon and that you get some peace from them.

[Three Roses]

Thank you, DB, Blueberry and Sceal.

🥀🥀🥀

I'm not sure why just talking about anger is so difficult. Is it because our society labels anger a "negative" emotion, and we are pushed to be positive?

I've been trying to come back to this for days now. Trying to think how I want to proceed here. I'm more interested at this point in my life in discoveries, and not so much on recovery, because - well, what does recovery mean for someone who's never known anything but maladjustments? Was I able to lose something I never had?

So for now the focus is on discovery and uncovering what I've buried for so long.

My F was a very angry man. He was the kind of guy who was admired for his artistic talent by the people who knew him. If only they could have seen the side of him that his family or the people who worked with him saw! His temper was bad enough that he lost job after job because of it, slipping down rungs on the ladder of success with each job change. His trade was relatively small, and there weren't many places to work that used his trade in their business. The number of people who were willing to work with him dwindled.

He told me stories about some of the things he had done in the war. These were things you probably shouldn't tell anyone but a therapist or another soldier, but he saw fit to talk about them in detail with his young daughter. It only strengthened my view that he wasn't to be trusted to keep his cool under pressure, and that he was likely to do any of the things he threatened me with.

[Hope67]

So for now the focus is on discovery and uncovering what I've buried for so long.

to you Three Roses, and wishing you the best for your focus on discovering and uncovering things that have been buried for so long - I know you pace yourself sensibly - and I wanted to say I'm alongside you - if that is helpful    I feel like I am also trying to do that same thing - uncover things that are buried - and seeing what I dissociated from. 



Hope 

[Three Roses]

Yes, it is good to have you alongside me, Hope. I feel your caring in your posts. Thank you. 

It is always good to feel the support of others here. This is the only Group of people that I feel "gets" me. 

[Three Roses]

Today was my mom's birthday. She would have been 95. I loved - love - her dearly and would love to sit and talk with her just once more.

Happy birthday, mom. Save a spot for me. 💜🌹

[Three Roses]

I'm having a very stressful time lately! I can't go into details but one of my kids is having a very rough time in his life. I'm trying to handle it but...not doing a very good job. Argh.