Discovery Journal

[Jdog]

That's a great story!  People CAN change!

[Three Roses]

**STRONG Trigger warning, violence**

Been gone a few days for some much needed down time and self care. Things are better in some ways and rougher in other ways. By now my antidepressant is probably 99% out of my system; I think I might be able to stay off of them.

When we get our bills paid down a little more I think I'll make an appointment with a psychiatrist as I've never seen one before. The therapy I've had has been talk therapy for the beliefs I held about myself and the way I interact with others. I've never been brave enough to dig deeper into the causes and always quit therapy when I couldn't avoid looking deeper anymore.

STRONG TRIGGER WARNING remainder of post -

The things I've been through include cpa ages 5 to 19, csa ages 9 to ?, attempted r by sibling at age 14, sexual attempts from sibling when I was ages 19 and 33, abused by 5 female teachers, attempted sororicide by drowning age 12, attempted filicide by strangulation age 16, verbal abuse by m, multiple Rs, abusive marriage age 25 to 2013-ish.

That's the short list. A couple therapists made no attempt to hide that they did not believe me. And I hadn't even presented them with a full list. One counselor told me my marital probs were because I wasn't submissive enough. Add to that all the times I've felt silenced and ostracized and it's no wonder I am where I am, emotionally.

[sanmagic7]

my dear 3r,

how dare someone tell you you're lying!     that's just wrong!

i've also had a t blame me for my hub's 'proclivities'.  wrong, again!

what you've been thru is enough, more than enough, for anyone to deal w/ in a lifetime.       having people disbelieve you or blame you for what happened only piles more of the crapola onto your shoulders.       i wish i could just sweep you into a warm, gentle hug and brush all of it off you.   you were never to blame for someone else's thoughts, feelings, or actions.  never!   

so much courage you've shown, 3r.  you are a walking miracle.     and, now, getting off your meds will hopefully clear the way for a thorough cleansing of what was, causes and all.  standing with you all the way with this, sweetie.   you are one of the warmest, most caring people i've never met.   you only quit as a survival mechanism in the past.  these things are so very difficult and can feel like they threaten our very sanity.  take your time and keep caring for yourself first and foremost - you totally deserve it.  sending much love always, and gentle hugs..

[Tee]

I don't think I could say it any better than San but I 110% agree with everything San said. You do not deserve any of the harm that has happened to you none of us do!  You are so encouraging and supportive to me and others here take time to feel the love and support from others too.  You are not alone! .

I hope you find a good psychologist that will help and not cause more harm.  Standing with you and believing every word.  The warmest hug hope it helps.

[Not Alone]

I wish I had better words right now. I echo what San and Tee said. Feeling anger toward those who didn't believe you and toward those who blamed you and a ton of tender care for you. 

[Blueberry]

  Echoing san, Tee and notalone. 

[Deep Blue]

Oh sweetie,
I know some of that abuse but am confident that I wouldn't be still standing if I went through what you did.
You are stronger than what you give yourself credit for.  I truly believe that.

We are here if you need us 

[Three Roses]

You beautiful people! I feel warm, and seen, and loved by what each of you wrote. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Dear Three Roses,

I think it took tremendous courage to tell people what you've been through, and the responses you've had (not the ones from here) - 

  and  to you, if that is OK

[MoonBeam]

3Roses. Gah-So mad at those who would doubt and try to put their own issues on you--to not believe. submissive? I'm fuming!

You are so brave to list your perpetrators--even the short list. I've been trying and can't yet. You are so strong. You are here, you are recovering.

I want you to know I'm standing with you too. We're not alone in this and here you are valid and valued. I hope you find a good psychiatrist when the time is right, who can guide you to those deeper feelings as you are ready to look at them. And what amazing work you are doing, being able to let go of antidepressants is a big step. Be kind and gentle with yourself. 

[Hope67]

Dear 3Roses - I read what you wrote on 3rd July - you were so brave to list all the perpetrators and I was shocked to see what you have been through - so much, and it is just not fair that you had to endure any of that.  I believe you and I am shocked that anyone would not believe you.  Sending you a hug  if that's ok.  I stand beside you, and I want you to know that I care a lot about you.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

SaB, MoonBeam, Hope  thank you so much for your support. It means a lot.

Every single one of us here has been thru horrors that no one should have to endure. But, We have come out of our abuse with an appreciation of beauty and a depth of insight that others who have not endured what we have endured cannot possess. Our compassion sets us apart. I'm reminded of the art form kintsugi, in which broken pottery is mended with gold dust, emphasizing the brokenness instead of hiding it. The pottery's appearance is forever altered but the piece is beautiful. Here is a link if you want to read more : https://mymodernmet.com/kintsugi-kintsukuroi/ This is how I see myself and all of us here who refused to hide to protect the reputation of our abusers, who stand with head and chest high instead of slumped. We say, "Yes, I know you can't understand me," but it is no longer an apology - it is a recognition of their unexpanded understanding.

[Tee]

I like that 3R. You are so strong. Keep your head up! Thanks for the encouragement!

[Jdog]

3R, you are just a terrific person.  I am so glad to get to know you here on this forum.  The idea of mending ourselves and therefore being stronger and more beautiful - it's powerful.  Thanks!

[Three Roses]