Discovery Journal

[Three Roses]

Tee - you didn't write too much  all the detail let's me know you know exactly how I feel and that I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm sorry you don't get to see your family very often.

Blueberry - ah ha! If I had a fireplace I could prop up a card from her there... Except she doesn't send cards either and lately the phone calls have dropped off to only when she needs something.

S&B - hmmm maybe I should write something, handwritten that is, and see if it's something to consider sending.

Thanks all. 

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses,
I want to also join you in that hug - 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

i've had similar situations w/ friends over the years - whether it be visiting, letter writing, or emails, it's all pretty much the same.  i was the one extending myself w/ very little 'taking the first step' on their part during the relationship.  well, all those relationships are now gone.   don't know if that's a goal for you, but just want to say i can relate and it kinda sucks. 

i'm sure you'll get resolution that works for you one way or another.  reciprocation in relationships is important, i think.  it's what helps each other get fueled up, replace the energy.  we need that, too.  sending love and a hug filled w/ reciprocation.  you deserve it!   

[Three Roses]

Hope  and San

[Tee]

  it is hard

[Three Roses]

It's been a busy few days and can't spend as much time on here as I'd like. Right now I am reading and posting instead of getting up and getting ready for what looks to be another busy day. Will catch up with all you lovely people when things calm down. 

[Tee]

 

[Sceal]

Hope that it is a kind of good business.
Remember to take breaks and care for yourself.

[Three Roses]

The busy-ness refers to some "paying it forward" type activities. I have some subtle alarm bells going off internally, not sure what that's about.

Very tired, feeling kinda...idk, fragile? Idk. More later.

I'm pushing myself to be more involved in day to day life. Trying to see if it makes me more willing to sort of re-enter normal social activities. Jury is still out.

[Tee]

  you can do it.

[SharpAndBlunt]

  take care and listen to your instincts

[Three Roses]

My gut feelings were right, there was a difficult situation coming up - it's happened and been dealt with but I was left feeling raw, triggered, and wounded. I'm coming out of it now.

As an adult, my primary 4F response has been "fawn" which I interpret as codependency. This situation really lit that up! Went back to my book for this, "Codependent No More", and my handwritten journal.

Spent the day yesterday just puttzing (is that a word?  ) around and doing nothing. H was hard at work and I felt guilty for not being busy with housework. Honestly, he doesn't and can't understand how debilitated I feel on days/weeks like I've recently had.

Found some old journals yesterday and spent some time reading them. Wrote some new stuff in my new handwritten journal. Realized how hard, fast and long I've been running from this pain. Is there help for me now at this late stage, 62 years old? I hope so.

Have an appointment coming up with a psychiatrist, this will be the first time I've seen one. Only therapists and psychologists before. The appointment is to ask about going back on an anti depressant, I've been off of them about 3 months now and idk if I can do this without them. Would have to be a new one, bcuz I had symptoms of seratonin syndrome and that worried me. So, I want to get info from someone other than my pcp, who suggested I go on Welbutrin instead of Prozac.

My depression without meds is too uncomfortable. For the first time ever, I found myself thinking that everyone would be better off without me. I realize intellectually what that is, and that it's not true. It would be nice to have some type of therapy that didn't include meds, something like TMS, EMDR, biofeedback, etc. But I'm not sure if my HMO offers anything like that.

While journaling, I had some insights that weren't really new, but went deeper than my previous understanding about certain situations. How much violence I lived through. Witnessing my F be violent to others, as well as inflicting it on me. Being abused by the sibling, and how M and F allowed that. How sick my FOO was. Only my sibling left and I am completely NC with him.

I am in contact with some cousins, three of them out of eleven on my F's side. I do not know even the names of my 4 cousins on my M's side. I'd like to find them and any other family I may have out there somewhere as I miss being part of an extended family. But, I don't really know how to be connected so I'm not sure if that would even be possible.

I'm feeling discomfort in my abdomen, about 8 on the 1-10 scale. Tears stinging, feel a headache coming on so guess I'll close for now. Man, this crapola is rough. 

[Snowdrop]

Sitting with you, if that feels OK, and sending you lots of gentle hugs.   

[Not Alone]

  Wish I had more to offer right now. Know you are heard.

[SharpAndBlunt]

  You are heard here, too, Three Roses