Discovery Journal

[Wattlebird]

I really want to send a hug and say I (and I'm sure everyone else here) still think you a wonderful caring person- if you didn't care you wouldn't feel ashamed of acting out.
Hugs to you today   

[Three Roses]

Thank you for your comments, they are deeply appreciated. Feeling better today.

[Hope67]

Hi Three Roses,
Glad to hear you're feeling better today.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Thanks, Hope, you're always so supportive ❤️

I am feeling a bit stuck tho, can't seem to find the words to express what I want to say. Feeling very introverted. 

[sanmagic7]

hey,

no pressure.  they'll come eventually if they need to.  you've had a heaping helping on your plate lately.  things can get very muddled in my mind when i go thru something like that.   

keep taking care of you as best you can, ok?  we're all pulling for you.  you're great!   

[Three Roses]

Thanks, San ❤️

🥀🥀🥀

The more I think about this stuff, the more the issue of my anger comes up. But it was confusing, because I haven't really known who I was angry with, or why. I mean, I could see why I could be angry at abusers from my past, but that didn't ring true. I think today I've had a breakthrough - I am angry with myself. For not knowing how to avoid the dysfunctional patterns of my childhood, for choosing to marry a man who is very similar to my abusive F, for not knowing how to be a better parent, for playing a role in perpetuating the patterns of dysfunction; I'm angry at my H, even though he was also badly abused as a kid. I'm angry I didn't leave when I knew deep down I was in an abusive relationship.

Now that I'm chipping away at the huge block I've had in front of me I can start to be honest with myself about my anger.

[sanmagic7]

o, my dear 3r,

how many times do we get angry with ourselves cuz it's less frightening to do that than to put our anger where it truly belongs?  i'm not trying to diminish what you're saying or feeling, only that being angry at yourself for not knowing - can that be?  have you ever gotten angry with anyone here for making the choices they've made?

i haven't seen that from you.  i've seen you be compassionate and understanding.  we've all, all of us here, made unhealthy choices, stayed too long in unhealthy relationships, not recognized unhealthy situations when we've been in the middle of them.  should we all be angry at ourselves for that?

i don't mean to overstep any boundaries here, nor deny you in any way.  i've just been overcome with sadness that you are directing your anger at yourself for choices that you'd been groomed to make.  we choose unhealthy partners because that's what feels most comfortable for us - we've dealt with that for so long, we know how to deal with it in the present.  we stay in unhealthy situations and relationships because we've been raised to tolerate and accept whatever is thrown at us, be with it, stay with it. 

as kids we had no way out.  as adults, we didn't know we had a way out.  we didn't know what healthy anything looked like.  how could we have chosen 'healthy' as a viable life choice?  i have never seen you blame anyone here for the choices they've made - i hope you are able to do the same for yourself.

i'm saying this stuff with love and caring, so please forgive me if i'm out of line.  i used to blame myself as well, so i get it.  it's difficult not to.  'if i'd only . . ' figured it out, known, done something different, seen the signs, looked more closely, recognized, left, stayed . . .  the list goes on and on, and i'm sure i've used every single one of those.  i just hope you can find some care and compassion for yourself, sweetie.  you deserve it from you.

sending love and hugs filled with caring and kindness. 

[Three Roses]

But I think that this is the core of what's been blocking me. I was looking in the wrong places for the source of my anger.

Intellectually, I know that everything you're saying is true. I was (and am, at least partly) a product of a very toxic system and I need to show myself grace and understanding for not knowing what I couldn't know. But I've also heard it said that you can't change a thing until you acknowledge that thing's existence.

I think it's healthy to look at the true target of my anger; I think unless I do I can't work on it.

[sanmagic7]

of course, sweetie.  you are the only one who truly knows what's best for you, and i am sorry if i put you on the defensive or anything.  as always, whatever helps us move forward with our healing is what's important for us to do.   

you are very dear to me, and i never want to see you in pain.  i kinda jumped on a 'i've gotta protect her' bandwagon, i think.  that's not my place, and i am sorry for that.  i totally support you on your journey.  sometimes i get in my own way.   

keep taking care of you.  sending love and 

[Three Roses]

Oh San!  Nope, you didn't step on my toes or put me on the defensive or anything. I'm glad for your comments! They helped me look at my statement and feelings more closely. I actually found your post validating, and I also loved it when you said you felt protective of me. I don't hear that much, so it felt very, very nice.

[sanmagic7]

wow - thank you.  i just read what you wrote in my journal, and responded to it.  i'm glad you took what i said the way you did.  i really don't want to see you in distress over stuff, but i'm so crashed now i felt like i wanted to take over so that you wouldn't be hurting.  that's my default mode.  fix it, make it ok.

when i thought about your response, i felt very guilty about what i wrote, that it really wasn't very supportive, but almost argumentative, like i just wanted you to see it from my perspective, which wasn't very respectful of your own, or where you're at with everything you're going thru. 

unfortunately, doing this kind of thing ends up stressful for me cuz of how i feel about it afterwards.  not about you, not at all, but i don't want to try to force feed anything down anyone's throat, and that's what it felt like i was doing.  i just need some time to recuperate - trying to 'fix' things is my default mode.  when i'm in a good place, it's easier for me to respond differently.

thank you again.  you are a dear friend.   

[Hope67]

But I think that this is the core of what's been blocking me. I was looking in the wrong places for the source of my anger.

Intellectually, I know that everything you're saying is true. I was (and am, at least partly) a product of a very toxic system and I need to show myself grace and understanding for not knowing what I couldn't know. But I've also heard it said that you can't change a thing until you acknowledge that thing's existence.

I think it's healthy to look at the true target of my anger; I think unless I do I can't work on it.

Hi Three Roses - I really found this very helpful - that you wrote this - I am also thinking about my Anger at the moment, and when you said about 'looking in the wrong places for the source of your anger' - it resonated with me.  I just wanted to say that, and also send you a supportive hug - if that's ok.   
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Hugs are always A-OK with me!  Thanks for saying what I wrote was helpful. 

[Three Roses]

I'm staying in bed today, with a raging headache. Had the mother of all EFs yesterday. Just gonna take it easy until my head stops pounding. This feels like the way I've felt in the past when I'm repressing stuff - emotions, memories blah blah blah.

[Blueberry]

Taking it easy sounds a really good thing in that situation. I hope your head stops pounding soon!