Discovery Journal

Started by Three Roses, January 24, 2019, 05:37:04 AM

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Perplex

Quote from: Three Roses on November 16, 2019, 06:51:08 PM
What a great time I had! We laughed so hard. I lost out on some sleep and I'm tired but it was a well needed and rejuvenating trip.

I'm seeing how wide spread the cptsd beast really is! It's so prevalent! I see it in so many people who just don't have any awareness of it. Much healing is needed in so many people and families, mine included.
This is wholesome. :) So very glad to hear it!

Sceal

really happy to hear you had such a good time!  :cheer:

Three Roses

And now I'm back in the center of chaos. Deep in an EF. It's 3:40 and I've been awake for almost two hours.

I feel in danger tho I know I'm not. I feel crazy. I feel sick.

I'm tired and thinking about going on the bupropion that Dr E is recommending.

Snowdrop

Sending you hugs and support, Three Roses. You're safe. You're safe. :hug:

Sceal

Sorry to hear you're having such a major EF. They are really difficult to deal with. I hope you'll be able to get some peace from it. And maybe try out that thing that was recommended.

Snookiebookie2

Hey Three Roses,

I'm so sorry to hear that you're experiencing such a deep EF.  Sending you love and peace.  I hope the EF passes soon and that you can get some sleep.

You're in my thoughts  :hug:

Blueberry


Three Roses

Snowdrop - when I read your reply, tears sprang to my eyes! Thank you, thank you. I am safe.

Sceal - thanks for your support! Bupropion is an antidepressant, and I really don't want it but I'm afraid I need it.

Blueberry - your support means a lot!

🥀🥀🥀

I just did a guided meditation by Richard Schwartz taking on Wisdom 2.0 on YouTube. (Here's the link - https://youtu.be/LuJLv98ks-I)

I've been watching Dr Schwartz speaking about the Internal Family System approach. I started with this YouTube - https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M

So I was kind of prepared to hear what he was going to say and where the guided meditation was going to take me. I've known for a while now that I have inner parts, although I don't believe or think I have DID. During the guided meditation, the part that came up was a little girl. I think she is about 5 years old. She was sitting at a round wooden table, low to the ground and a light tan color. She seemed to be drawing a picture.

I asked her what her burden is and she answered that she is always looking for upset people around us. She tries to placate them and make them happy so that we are safe from their anger. I asked her if she was to give up this role, what would she like to do instead? She answered that she would rather play, and color, and do the things other kids do. I asked her how she felt and she answered that she is afraid. I asked her how old she thought I was and she said 90, and that made me laugh. I told her I'm 63 and she didn't seem to see the distinction, but that was okay.

There was more but I'll close here. Wow! This was my first foray into IFS and it was awesome!

Snowdrop

Wow! Well done you! :applause: Reading about the little girl part made me smile.

QuoteThis was my first foray into IFS and it was awesome!

Yes! I find IFS work absolutely fascinating and all kinds of awesome. :cheer:

Three Roses

It really is! I was looking thru some old handwritten journals for an entry I remembered and wanted to add to my journal here, and found an entry in August 2016 listing IFS as one of the therapies I was interested in! I made a call today to my hmo to see if any of their therapists are trained in IFS but the person didn't know (so I'm guessing there's not).

Back in 2016 I was doing exercises in a recovery book. Here's what I wrote -
QuoteI am supposed to "express your emotions honestly..." but I couldn't name one. So I switched to thinking about it differently, asking how someone who'd been through my background would feel. Lots of words came - robbed, embattled, insecure, untrusting, angry, afraid, lost, expendable, etc. Then the final word - desolate. It hit me in the gut. I looked up the word - "desolate: deserted of people, in a state of bleak and dismal emptiness; ruined, vacant, wild." I have this strange feeling right now, like everyone inside me (?) has gone into an inner room and locked the door. "We're not talking about feelings," they say. The room I'm standing in is dreary - one dim, uncovered light bulb hangs on a chain, trying to light the room. The corners of the room are lost in the darkness. There is a bare table and one chair."

Wow! I'm astounded. Back in '16 I was sensing parts!

I'm utterly astounded, excited, hopeful. This could be the therapy I really need.

sanmagic7

so glad for your excitement, 3r.  wish i could say more, but sending love and a hug filled with parts. :hug:

Three Roses

Found this online today. It's awesome.  :yes:

🥀🥀🥀

When it comes to the lasting consequences of complex trauma, having emotions (especially anger), or even having needs at all, can too often feel forbidden. Even after a survivor becomes secure and confident in knowing that their feelings are valid, they're allowed to feel exactly as they do, and don't need to bend or mold themselves to appease another, it can still be terrifying. Breaking those learned relationship patterns, acting differently than your bones and mind are screaming at you to do, and trusting that you can handle whatever the reaction may be -- can be really hard to do.
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So, today we really wanted to encourage you to no longer apologize for your feelings - not for your anger, not for your hurt, your pain, or your happiness.  Your feelings and reactions to others are allowed, warranted and healthy - no matter how uncomfortable or foreign they may feel in your chest. And, if someone hurts you but doesn't respect you enough to notice or apologize for that pain they've caused? The last thing they deserve is an apology from YOU for being hurt.  More anger, disappointment or even disgust would all completely justified.
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So, to the over-apologizers, the people-pleasers, the false responsibility-takers, and those who are so afraid to rock the boat they get off instead: Respecting and honoring YOURSELF is number one. You are allowed to have feelings, even ones that feel bad or ugly, and to make them known. By passively accepting complete someone's lack of remorse, it sends the message that it's okay for them to do it again. And that you'll just do all the apologizing. You don't deserve that. You never did. You have done nothing wrong in feeling hurt. THEY did. No more tolerating those who refuse to take responsibility for their actions or the pain they cause you. No more.
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💜💚💛

Snowdrop

#357
I'm really glad you're getting on so well with it. It does sound like it's a good fit for you, particularly hearing what you said in 2016.

I've seen various IFS guided meditations on YouTube. The latest session Richard Schwartz had with AVAIYA included a link to a freebie on meeting an inner critic. I've not tried it yet, but here's the link: https://courses.selfleadership.org/sq/ifs_innercriticmeditation_email_avaiya-85315.

There's also an audiobook by Richard Schwartz called "Greater than the sum of our parts". According to the reviews, it includes a lot of guided meditations. The prices for it vary a lot. It's on audible, so you might be able to get it as part of a free trial. I picked it up this week with some iTunes vouchers, but I've not had a chance to listen to it yet.

One thing I've found helpful is using IFS to deal with EFs or overwhelming emotions. You can ask the part that's having those emotions to step back and not overwhelm you, you can pay attention to the part without it needing to do this.

:hug:

Three Roses

Thanks for the info!  :hug: I get to buy this book today.

I have mixed feelings about working in it alone. It seems that my hmo does not have a therapist in this area who is trained in IFS. I worked in a book before without a therapist to guide me, uncovered some buried memories, and retraumatized myself. But I'll talk to my protector parts (now I know that they're there) and get their permission to begin. Other parts are happy and even excited to begin.

Snowdrop

#359
 :thumbup:

Just a thought, but is there perhaps an IFS therapist who offers online appointments? I don't know how that idea feels to you.