Discovery Journal

[SharpAndBlunt]

Three Roses, this IFS sounds very inspiring. Excited for you 

[Three Roses]

SharpAndBlunt - Thanks!

Snowdrop - interesting - I can look but my hmo co-pay for therapy sessions is very low so idk if I can find one that is as affordable. 

Book will be here tomorrow. 

[Snowdrop]

 

[sanmagic7]

3r, i think this is a perfect example of why it's important for us not to give up.  i read that excerpt, and i know that many of us here have said basically the same thing at one time or another.  the idea that this time, in this way, from this source is the one that broke thru your previous defenses, thoughts, perspectives, and perceptions of what we are allowed and what we deserve is so powerful to my mind . . . we really don't know what's around the next corner, don't know how or why or when something will click in for us.  i know, that even tho i've espoused those very same ideas, reading them here cemented them into my brain in a different way.

thank you so much for sharing this.  it was exactly what i needed to hear today.   

much love to you.  i also think it's wonderful that you can now ask your protector parts to help you get thru this.  we are also here to support you if the going gets rough at times.  you courageous thing, you. sending hugs filled w/ strength and determination

[Blueberry]

so glad for your excitement, 3r. 

   

[Three Roses]

Thanks, you guys! 

[Three Roses]

Although I'm excited about this book coming today, I've just made a call to my hmo requesting the new med (Welbutrin/buproprion) that was recommended by Dr E - I'm tired of struggling.

Now that I've hung up I'm having huge second thoughts!

But I'm so tired of struggling to stay happy and well....

So many mixed feelings. Sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

[sanmagic7]

your courage is showing, as well as concern for your own well-being.  just a thought - is it possible that you haven't had a lot of practice yet with deciding what's best for you, with looking after your own best interests, so such a move would feel very uncomfortable?  or something like that?   i don't know - it just popped  into my head.

i've had similar experiences when i've done or said something i'm not used to, that i can feel in my gut is a good thing for me, but begin doubting my decision as soon as i've made it.  in the end, they've turned out pos., but concern, regret, doubt, fear all have come into play before i reach the point where i'm ultimately glad i did/said what i did.

if, in fact, this is not a good move for you, you're still free to not take the meds.  i support you whichever way you go, always.  love and a hug filled w/ what's best for you.

[Snowdrop]

I have a couple of thoughts, which you can ignore if they're not helpful. Is it that one part wants the new med because it's tired of struggling, but another part is critical of that? Is the sinking feeling in your stomach related to one of these parts?

[Three Roses]

San - it is possible I don't have a lot of experience. I used to think I did, back before I left h for a year. I'd worked for years on my recovery from codependency but ultimately I gave up on h, seeing him as very sick & manipulative, and left my marriage in a very dysfunctional way. I was retraumatized before, during, and after. My depression has been difficult, my shame has felt crippling. I would like more therapy. But perhaps in a different style. Maybe I was kidding myself back when we were raising our kids, thinking I was on top of my issues. I used my h's troubles and our relationship difficulties as a mask for confronting all the chaos and violence done to me. I'm worried I'll have another reaction to this medication, the way I did with Prozac and serotonin-syndrome. But I can stay vigilant. I know what to look for now. I'll probably begin taking it, it's sitting at the pharmacy.  Thanks for your insights! 

Snowdrop - it feels like a protector part that's telling me I don't need a pill, but I'm not sure. It def could be an exile. My book arrived just now while I was typing so hopefully I'll find out soon. Thanks, your question was insightful!

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, i get it.  been there, done that.  as much as i've worked on all this over the years, i still ran into the mr. and thought i could deal w/ him and his issues.  i gave it a mighty try, for sure, but, yeah.  i've kidded myself, masked things, just kept working thru stuff evenly when thoroughly confused, not even realizing that was part of my problem.   and, i've also had bad experiences w/ anti-deps, so i get that, too.

sending love and a hug full of hope that this helps

[Three Roses]

 

So, I've had my first visceral reaction to reading this book. The author, Richard Schwartz, is talking about parts living in the past and frozen in their roles, "just as many acting-out children are trapped in their roles." I've known for a while now that one of my parts is a young girl who placates others, to keep them from becoming upset and, in her view, ultimately out of control and violent. In her view, this is inevitable, unavoidable. If anyone is upset, they will gather steam, ramping themselves up to the point of lashing out violently, physically and verbally. When I thought of this part as I was reading this passage in RS's book, I could feel her in my gut, centered in what felt like the very center of my abdomen just behind my navel. I let the sensation spread without attempting to stifle it, and without tensing. It spread in a warm, comforting way, like immersing oneself in a warm ocean, pleasant and enjoyable. Quite the opposite of how I would think it would feel! It was completely unnecessary to tense and/or stifle it.

[Snowdrop]

Wow! That's excellent awareness. I'm really excited for you reading this book.

If I may make a suggestion, it's worth watching the session Richard Schwartz recently did on anxiety and depression while it's still available. There's a link here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=12850.msg94860#msg94860

[Three Roses]

Thanks, I'll try.

[sanmagic7]

quite the sensation, especially since it was far from what you expected.  well done, you!

if i may suggest, let yourself be with this realization and feeling for a day or two before going back to reading.  it's just a thought, that it might be pos. to give your brain a little time to adjust and process, give your amygdala time to rearrange itself according to this new information, and give your mind time to enjoy the fact that everything isn't the way it used to be.  don't know if that makes sense, and if it doesn't, just ignore it.

i'm so very happy for you, 3r, i can feel a wave of relief roll thru my gut.    sending love and a hug filled w/ more healing.