Discovery Journal

[Three Roses]

Thank you, notalone. 

It helps to know I'm not alone. I do feel better today, although I wore my hoodie inside out all day long and never noticed until this evening.

[Blueberry]

Yay for feeling better 

I wrote my hoodie inside out all day long and never noticed until this evening.

I've done that before too, outside the house Though I was quite a bit younger, a student in fact and dealt with it  using self-deprecating humour once I'd turned my turtleneck the right way out again. It didn't have a label in it, so just had rather interesting appliqué work in various places (seams).  But here too it's good to know I'm not alone.

[sanmagic7]

glad you're feeling better, 3r.  as a side note, back in the 60's, we used to wear our sweatshirts inside out on purpose. (probably back then it's cuz we got them dirty and were making do till we'd take clothes home to have our moms wash them - lol!    at any rate, i still sometimes do that on purpose, even to the store, which drives my d wild!  it's a laugh!   

sometimes i think a little lightness goes a long way.    love and hugs!

[Three Roses]

Very bad, dark place recently. I'm so sick of this crap.

[Not Alone]

I wish there was a candle emoji because even a little illumination brings light to the darkness. Dark places are awful. I wish I could pull you out, but I know that I can't. Instead, I send lots of care and hugs. You are precious. You are not alone. 

[Hope67]

I agree with Notalone that dark places are awful, and I also want to illuminate and shine some light as well - I would also like to extend caring and hugs your way 
Hope 

[Blueberry]

  to you 3R! May OOTS be a little light shining in your darkness. You reached out to us

[Three Roses]

Idk why you guys are so nice to me. Today I feel like I'm not a very nice or good person.

[Snookiebookie2]

ThreeRoses

I think you are a very nice person. You've been a support to me.  I like the things you say in posts.

Try not to listen to what the negative voice in you says.

We're here for you, to hold your hand when it's dark, and to try and chase the shadows away x

[Not Alone]

Idk why you guys are so nice to me. Today I feel like I'm not a very nice or good person.

You are still worthy of care and tenderness.

[Blueberry]

 

Though I admit I have trouble believing I'm worthy of care when I'm in a dark place too. That could be your and my ICr telling us that? I know it's hard to believe but ... this dark phase will end as well. 

[sanmagic7]

nevertheless, you are one of the best people i've never met.  lots of care, comfort and support coming your way! much love and a hug filled with a hot air balloon to lift your spirits

[woodsgnome]

3R, we're always here to lift you up. These sorts of doubts about our worthiness go with the territory, and then ... they go to the rear, eventually blending into the background.

Meanwhile the light shines strong again; maybe even stronger having endured the dark spells again.

I value greatly your presence here, and hope you continue sharing that bright light with everyone here. Thank you for always being you. 

[Three Roses]

Thanks, everyone, for your support and encouragement! 

🥀🥀🥀

**TRIGGER WARNING** abuse, Sexually, medical situations

Today I realized or remembered another couple of people who were abusive or acted inappropriately toward me (it's not clear to me which, maybe someone else has a better view).

My first gynecologist would say things to me of a sexual nature. I was 15 or 16 and seeing him for birth control and the usual female complaints. He would tell me stories about his other, adult patients. (I went alone to these appointments.)

When I was in my early 20s, I would get strep throat about twice a year. Each time I would see my dr for this, he would talk to me about oral sex. He would say that he needed to ask questions regarding oral sex because there was the chance it wasn't strep but was an std. He was the only dr who did this, though. And the questions he asked were more detailed than he needed. Wouldn't a doctor just do all the tests he thought necessary, without talking to a young female about it? Of course those were very different times than now.

Looking back on these today, I see them in a different light than I have in the past, and think they were abusive or at least inappropriate acts.

This is in addition to the event(s) with my pediatrician when I was 8 or 9 or so, who performed a painful procedure on me without anesthesia. He was also verbally abusive. My mother just sat there doing nothing each time.

Those are the things I remembered today.

[Blueberry]

I'm so sorry all these incidents happened to you! It must be a really hard day for you today remembering all of it. Safe  if helpful.

I think all of those situations are abusive. Sexual abuse includes things like inappropriate conversation or showing inappropriate material at all or too early. Your first gynaecologist had you stuck in his office, you couldn't just leave. I think he was abusing his power over you, in a sexual way.

The strep throat dr -  Another abuse of power. He had you there, you needed to see him, he presumably pretended you might have been doing something you hadn't so he could talk sex to you. Especially since he didn't do it just once, he did it repeatedly. May I do some  for you? I notice I'm getting really angry at those men while I write this. I'm also reminded of a college professor who abused his power over me in a similar way, which I've written about on here before.

Presumably the pediatrician could have done the procedure with anesthetic? If so, I'd call not doing so physical abuse. Then verbal abuse on top of that and your M just sat there and didn't protect you   I've had the latter done too. I'm sending you much support and good vibes from OOTS.