Discovery Journal

Not Alone · May 21, 2020, 12:17:48 AM

Those incidents sound abusive to me too. So sorry you went through that. Would those doctors have said those things to you if someone else was in the room? My guess is NO. Also, this is a vague memory to me, but as a teenager/early 20s, I saw a gynecologist and it was standard procedure that the (female) nurse was in the room the whole time.

Hope67 · June 03, 2020, 06:50:17 PM

Hi Three Roses,
Those incidents definitely sound abusive to me as well - and I am so sorry that you experienced those things. Offering you a safe hug, if that's ok

It upsets me a lot, and some of my parts too, that you were treated this way, and I feel the emotion about it strongly. I think you were brave to write about this, and I find it hard to find the words to express what I want to say, but I really relate to what you wrote.
Hope

Three Roses · June 03, 2020, 10:17:37 PM

And, everyone! Your support makes a difference.

🥀🥀🥀

Why is it so hard for me to talk/write about abuse? I have a feeling once I get the ball rolling with IFS I'll be writing in my journal a lot about all the experiences I've had.

SharpAndBlunt · June 10, 2020, 10:20:26 AM

Hi 3R, I just wanted to share that all of those situations definitely sound abusive to me too, each time there were boundaries that were clearly and unnecessarily broken. I have also felt that sense you spoke of of being a bad person, I get it so bad sometimes, so I just want to send a hug to you and tell you that you are valued, as others have already said

Three Roses · June 10, 2020, 04:58:23 PM

Thanks, SaB

🥀🥀🥀

**TW Anger, violence**

So, yesterday someone said something to me, and I'm still trying to settle it in my mind. I keep telling myself to get over it, realize the person probably just didn't understand, or something.

Here's the situation -

I've been attending an online Zoom meeting for support and recovery from cpa/csa. I was having a rough day yesterday (rough few days, if I'm honest) because today is my sibling's bday and it's just an unwelcome reminder that he exists.

**TW violence TW** (highlight if you want to read)
This sibling molested me, tried to rape me, tried to sexually trade me, and the last time he sexually assaulted me was when I was married and had kids. But recently the event that had been troubling me most is the time he attempted to drown me. He was 17, I was 12. He almost succeeded. I was only saved by a bystander. I have shared all that in this Zoom support group.

So yesterday in my support group, I shared that I was having a rough day because I'm triggered by his birthday. There was a newcomer there that didn't hear my background (but all of us in that group are survivors of abuse, mostly csa). I should also mention that English is a second language for the new person. After I shared my feelings, this person raised her hand and said that if she had ever said anything like that, her mother would say, 'you're just jealous'. And she again said, 'You're jealous.'

My first reaction was to think she was saying something her mother would say to her; a minimizing, abusive remark that her mother would make to her in that circumstance. Then after a little time went by, it felt more like she was saying that directly to me - "You're just jealous it's his birthday."

So I texted one of the leaders of the group, who was supportive but said that this is just the newcomer's damage showing, and there is just something inside her that made her react that way to my statement. And I agree.

But - I know our moderators here at OOTS would not let a minimizing statement like that go unchallenged. Part of me wants to forgive her, recognize it's just her damage,

, but another part of me wants to identify her statement as minimizing and unhelpful. I'm hurt and irritated, yes, but I'm also concerned she could act that way to someone more fragile and cause some real damage.

So idk, maybe I'll just be watchful about her.

If you got all the way thru that, thanks for letting me vent. I feel better.

Snowdrop · June 10, 2020, 05:16:08 PM

I understand how the newcomer's words could be a sign of their damage, but I'd hope that the group would be a safe place for everybody. I read your post, and I completely get how his birthday is triggering. The thought of someone saying that to me makes me feel

.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Tee · June 10, 2020, 06:11:21 PM

yeah it would be hard to take. I think I would be weary of her.

saylor · June 10, 2020, 07:33:47 PM

I know how you feel. And the sting is extra bad when it comes from a fellow trauma survivor (who, based on their own experiences in life, you'd expect to be more sensitive to your suffering). Even worse is when that person is callous towards you for reasons you don't understand, but kind to seemingly everyone else, causing you to feel singled-out. It can make what was once a perceived sanctuary suddenly feel like it's an unsafe place to be vulnerable and seek support.

I'm very sorry about what you suffered at your brother's hands. It's horrifying, and it make sense that his birthday is so triggering for you. I'm hoping you'll feel comfortable continuing to participate in that group

Three Roses · June 10, 2020, 08:18:02 PM

Snowdrop, tee and saylor

You've each hit the nail on the head.

I've convinced myself to get over it , to realize no one "makes" me feel anything - it's just a reaction. I'm turning my reaction into a response. I'm choosing to realize it has everything to do with what's going on inside her and nothing to do with me. Therefore I can totally reject her baseless claim.

Blueberry · June 10, 2020, 10:26:09 PM

I would have been

about something like that said to me. I'm glad that you were able to vent about it here till you felt better about it and that you can now reject the whole comment as a baseless claim.

To me that speaks of huge healing in you!

I'm not that far.

I'm so sorry about what your sibling did to you.

Not Alone · June 10, 2020, 11:19:32 PM

I read what your brother did and it makes me sad and angry.

I'm wondering if you could bring this up at the next zoom meeting. My concern is that since you are not feeling safe with that person, you won't be getting as much benefit from the meeting.

owl25 · June 11, 2020, 12:48:59 AM

If English is her second language, could things have gotten lost in translation? Either way, I think it should have been addressed by the leaders of the group. I'm sorry too for what your brother did to you. It is not surprising the day was difficult for you.

Blueberry · June 11, 2020, 12:05:46 PM

Quote from: notalone on June 10, 2020, 11:19:32 PM
I'm wondering if you could bring this up at the next zoom meeting. My concern is that since you are not feeling safe with that person, you won't be getting as much benefit from the meeting.

Quote from: owl25 on June 11, 2020, 12:48:59 AM
If English is her second language, could things have gotten lost in translation? Either way, I think it should have been addressed by the leaders of the group.

Good point about "things getting lost in translation".

I agree that it should have been addressed by the leaders. For one thing, what's somebody with a history of cpa/csa doing quoting her mother in a group like that?! Quote somebody emotionally healthy like a T maybe, but somebody who was probably emotionally abusive or who was certainly not very emotionally intelligent?? No.

Idk your zoom group rules but I can remember rules in group therapy (maybe even in 12 Step groups, but I can't remember that exactly) where you were to use "I" statements and speak only for yourself.

3R, I'm really really happy for you that you're feeling OK again about that person's remark. If she comes up with something like that again and you don't feel OK, I'll send you a blanket from the Healing Porch called something like This Too Can Be a Learning Moment for the Group Leaders. Because I do feel a little worried that you've convinced yourself. But my worry is undoubtedly based on my own history and you are not me. You have healing in areas I do not.

Three Roses · June 11, 2020, 02:36:09 PM

Blueberry, notalone, owl

good points all.

Nope, didn't get lost in translation. Plus I was crying as I was talking about the sibling, so she could see how upset I was. Tbh I have concerns about her involvement in the group - so far she has not revealed anything about her need for a support group other than having a difficult mother, but I'm wondering if she is some kind of voyeur. That's probably just my distrust of people leaking thru tho. In her defense, while I'm positive I didn't misunderstand her words, it's possible I misunderstood her intentions. She could have been just saying that's what she would hear in a similar situation. Still, it was an odd comment.

As far as having more healing, it's all crumbled again this morning lol and I'm upset again. I'll pull out one of my books and do some reading, like "The Four Agreements" or "Codependent No More". There is another meeting this morning and I want to feel settled before it starts. I'm going to watch to see if the leader brings it up.

What I don't want to do is have an EF and upset the group with my personal issues. Deep breaths, 3R! Not everyone's out to get you. 😉

Blueberry · June 11, 2020, 05:09:21 PM

Very odd comment from someone who claims to have a difficult mother. Especially since you were crying. So very odd comment in very odd situation. In what way would it help somebody who's so upset to then hear somebody else's ICr?? (She may not know the term ICr but probably knows the concept.)

You know I mentioned your healing because I was in awe - I am definitely not that far along! I would be upset too. I'm having difficulty putting what I feel into words. I sent you a PM too.

I guess everybody in that type of support group will have 'personal issues' which may sometimes upset others or just make the others think a bit. I'm sending you that blanket I mentioned up above with the addition: "Learning Moment for Others in the Group". You've maybe had the meeting already or are in the middle of it. I'm sending good thoughts and vibes your way.

full of healing OOTS energy