Discovery Journal

Started by Three Roses, January 24, 2019, 05:37:04 AM

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Three Roses

Spent the day yesterday, or most of it, doing normal things like going to a dentist appointment and shopping - evidently that was too much for me as I got very, very depressed after coming home and later woke up screaming in the middle of the night, from a nightmare.

I'm going to spend the day resting. I'm not going to take responsibility for others and their feelings or responses. If I need to rest, I need to rest. I don't need to worry if anyone else sees my need or agrees with me. Sometimes their disapproval is all in my imagination so I'm just giving myself permission to "check out" today.

Tee

Hugs resting sounds nice. Enjoy your day! :hug:

Blueberry

Have a good rest, 3R!  :zzz: :zzz:  :hug:

Not Alone

Glad you are taking care of yourself .

sanmagic7

been thinking of you.    :wave:   with you all the way w/ this - weaning off can be a trial.   :hug:  sending love and understanding.

Three Roses

Such rough, rough days. Really fighting the depression. I'm hoping this is just temporary and there's an upswing soon, then maybe a stable mood in-between because I won't be able to stay off antidepressants if this is what is going to feel like.

sanmagic7

standing right beside you with this, 3r.  i hope it's temporary, too.  love and  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Tee

Hope you can find the light at the of your tunnel soon. And then the sun shines on you for a while. I greatly appreciate you wisdom and support here.  I hope you feel my heartfelt hug. :hug:

SharpAndBlunt

Three Roses I want to send you a hug today  :hug:

I know this feeling of depression and if coming off the medication is too hard please don't feel like you have to soldier on without it.

There are days when now I am seeing an upside to being off medication but it took a long time for the mood to stabilise (though not sure stable is a good word to describe me right now) and it feels fragile. Self care is where its at. There are days when I still feel absolutely awful.

Remembering that healing is a process helps me with that.

:grouphug:

Three Roses

San, Tee, S&B - your responses lifted my spirits. Thanks so much!  :grouphug:

woodsgnome

If I may, I'd like to reiterate a couple of points made by SharpAndBlunt, specifically noticing that, first, stability isn't necessarily always a good thing; it just feels better at certain times, sometimes radically so. We're sure we're on our way out of the muck our life threatens to get mired in.When we come out of the pit, we assume we've landed okay, but that's only the start, the next stepping stone on a treacherous trail; perhaps there's even a swinging bridge effect for a while. Scary stuff.

So perhaps even feelings aren't meant to be right/wrong, black/white progressive traits. They could be, though, and for those traveling the cptsd emotional wilderness they  can be terribly problematic.

The 'to do' options seem to waver, especially in the transition zone between meds and other attempts to soothe the instability, and as SharpAIf ndBlunt also observes: "healing is a process." I guess if it weren't -- even the up and down parts -- there wouldn't be much healing. Healing isn't automatic, apparently; and the work it takes to stay on track likewise has options -- relief or mucking along. But if we don't muck along we might miss the next step in healing.

Keep on keeping on, Three Roses.  :hug:

I hope it was okay to butt into your journal like this.

Jdog

3Roses-

I can't speak from the perspective of being on or off medications or the transitions therein, but I will just add that I admire your courage and conviction in this difficult time.  Healing is circular, not linear, it seems.  I like what Woodsgnome says about not assuming that feelings are a real guidepost to where we are along the path.  And, they do change. 

Hang in there, buddy.  We are here listening and encouraging you. :hug:

MoonBeam

Wanted to say I'm thinking of you Three Roses.  There's no wrong way to walk your path of recovery. Keep taking care of you and I hope relief comes soon. Sometimes it starts like a tiny ripple, one little thing that feels just a little different, maybe a little better. Some shift that lets me know that things are in fact changing, that each time I experience deep depression (which has been often), but now on my way to healing, it's a little different than the last. Perhaps it's new tools I'm learning, feeling supported, some small act of self-kindness, adjusting meds, going on or off meds, I'm beginning to understand I'm not stuck, though sometimes its difficult to measure.

As others have said, healing is not a linear journey. And sometimes the path is really steep and rocky. Thanks for walking your path with us.  :hug:

Three Roses

#103
💚💚💚 Woodsgnome - thank you so much - I would never think of your comments as "butting in" and your insights are always helpful.

Jdog, MoonBeam - your comments of support are so important to me, thank you. Thanks to you all, every one of you, for supporting me.

Today is better. I'm not wishing I were dead. I reminded myself yesterday that my low points are really just that - mere points on my up-and-down, back-and-forth journey thru this. It's like a winding path you might hike through the woods - the trail will switch back on itself but as long as you're moving, progress is made. H was helpful, taking the dog out and cooking dinner, etc., so I could curl into a fetal position yesterday and sleep which was nice.

When I get down like that, I am a different person. Today I'm feeling like the pro-social version of me is back in the driver's seat. 👍

I know there will probably be rough days ahead. But i know from past experience that things will eventually even out - and my mood swings will go from the dramatic extremes of feeling like I'm in the pit of * VS feeling on top of Mt Everest, to the "normal" feeling of being in a stable boat on the undulating waves of the ocean. When the Prozac is out of my system and my moods stabilize I can take a look at how I feel, and decide if a different antidepressant is necessary or if I can manage without one. I think it's probably best at some point to ask my pcp for a referral to a psychiatrist which I've never done before.

Tee

#104
I'm glad your day is better today.  The ups and downs are hard.  When you feel like you take one step forward and two steps back. It's frustrating and hard but we will make it through I'm so glad that we have this place. To be here for each other.  Have a great day tomorrow too. :hug: