Hi I am New here...

[beingme]

Hi I am only new here, I have pretty much spent a life time ( I am 53) of being gaslighted by a covert narc sister and only realised this last year. I really just had no idea as I have another sister who was more overt narc and I thought most of my issues stemmed from her physical and emotional abuse as a child.. 

My eldest sister (no.1) bullied me, physically and emotionally, doing so many cruel and horrible things that literally have me on the floor in a ball crying still at the thought of many of those things. My dad did shift work and my mum lay in bed or was absent so she was able to do plenty as we lacked supervision. My mother I think, looking back likely suffered post natal depression and my father was an angry physically abusive man with his own issues and me and my 2 older siblings had to survive that situation as we could.

Just a couple of things sister no.1 did, when I was about 10, she stripped me naked and put me on our large front verandah that was on the upper level of the house, while it was pouring rain and left me out there for hours. She would constantly say to me that I was ugly and that no one would ever love me. This went on till she left home at 16 and on and off till about 8 years ago when I cut contact. She lives pretty far away so it wasn't hard to break contact.

So 18 months ago, sister no.2 accidentally revealed herself as a covert narc and then of course played the victim and said she was not going to talk to me until I apologised for bullying her. Slowly I have been trying to make sense of the argument on how I was the bully in our relationship,  have since learned about different types of narcissism and how people become them.


I thought my other sister, no.2 (I am daughter no.3 and we are all 1 year apart) was on my side but looking back she part take quietly in these episodes, tried to make me contact my other sister and dismissed her actons growing up, she rarely showed emotions good or bad and as we grew older I made to believe that because she was not emotional that she was the smart one, the one with it all together etc but then of course she would always point out my flaws, like being emotional and over reactive, she even had a name for it "chucking a lisa".  Funny how I only ever chucked that when I was around family.

When I was 20 I had an accident and become an partial paraplegic through spinal injury, it was actually while I was helping Narc 2. It took me 2 years to walk unaided. She has never acknowledged my disability and made out that it was actually my imagination and that if I really tried I could over come it. I had a 1 year old daughter at the time and so as a disabled single mum I lived under the poverty line for years and life was a struggle, even when I worked.

We all lived far away from each other all moving away from our original home city but I would visit often to sister no.2 My daughter went overseas as an exchange student for 12 months and then went to live with sister no.2 in the country and continue to school away from bad influences.  I would visit most weekends in those 3 years. Looking back I remember always feeling like crap after visiting.

If we were walking, she would never slow down for me to keep up and once said walking slow hurts her and I was being selfish to ask.
Never did she congratulate me.
Never did she acknowledge anything I achieved
She said if she was disabled that she would already be in the disabled olympics.
Always dismissed anything I said or idea as stupid, even if it was in my field of expertise or experience that she did not have
Anything I did in front of her, apparently I did badly and she would say so how bad I was at it, you know, being constructive and all because she cared..

are just some of thing various themes she had going.

Oh every once in a while she would "help" or "save" me. If it cost her nothing or little.

of course over the years anytime she had an injury or was sick, well well no one can imagine the pain etc she is in, how bad it is to not be able to do the things she usually does and has to get her husband to do it all. But would never let me talk about my own physical difficulties.

Just prior to our big argument which become NC I asked her why she never gave me positive encouragement or congratulate me she said that likely I would stop trying if she did so. I didn't ask why she used that principle with her own kids or friends. I didn't say much but I think she could see me think on this, we were on a big road trip so had a few hours in the car after that and that conversation halted there. but I think she realised I was starting to be on to her ways. I had been slowly healing over the years so I was on the edge of this revelation.

It was later back at her house, she lives about 5 hours drive from me, she started accusing me of bullying her etc because I was talking about gardening and suggested pruning a few plants and overed to help with other immediate things needing doing. Anyway I lost my *, I packed up my car and left and haven't spoken to her since.

Early on I tried to figure out what I said that could be considered bullying, I desperately wanted
to apologise but no matter how it went on in my head I couldn't see what she was saying. That led me to finding out about narcissists, gaslighting etc.

Even though I can see all the above etc, my understanding of how this all came about, I still struggle to come to terms with the fact that these people who I should have been able to trust did this to me.

I was doing NLP for a time but used up my savings before I really made any headway, I would continue it if I could afford it as it helped me enormously but for now I will see my doctor next week to organise government funding mental health care. I live in Australia and I can get 8 free visits a year with a Psychologist. I am going to be fixed.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, beingme 

Thanks for sharing your story and good luck as you start unsorting what you can via the psychologist visits if you can qualify.

Having gone through my own lifelong and repetitive series of overt and covert narcissistic abusers within family, church schools, and employment scenarios, I've learned a lot from this book I've just now finished (literally minutes before seeing your post!):

HEALING FROM HIDDEN ABUSE: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery From Psychological Abuse, by Shannon Thomas ... MAST publishing 2016.

I found it to be a particularly insightful and very practical guide to not just understanding more of the ins/outs of narcissistic behaviours, but it also wonderfully explains the steps helpful in finding a path towards meaningful recovery.   

Good to see you've reached out here for help.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, beingme! I'm sorry to hear about all you've been through, but you'll find there are people here who understand the pain and damage narcissists cause. Glad you're here.

[beingme]

Thanks everyone for your kind words, I am looking up that book now woodsgnome.

I saw a  psychologist today via my work who funds 3 visits a year for their employees and hoping I can see her via the mental health program as well. It helped to speak to someone who validated my efforts to understand what has happened to me and that I am not imagining it.

In every problem I have, in every thing I do, work, hobbies etc, I am an information junkie and a student and learner at hear.  I seek to understand everything about what ever it is I do. 

This issue is no different.

The more I understand at this point of what and why have gone through this in particular, the more traumatised I feel abit because I at times feel a little silly for falling for it and distressed that family are the perpetrators and should have been there to love me not hurt me.  I am sure there are so many stages of understanding etc that we go through in the healing process so I am handling it so to speak.

Onwards and upwards !!!!!

[woodsgnome]

Beingme said: "The more I understand at this point of what and why I have gone through this in particular, the more traumatised I feel..."

It seems pretty common to feel that way. I know I've gone through that phase several times as well. But no matter how tempting it was to go the self-guilt route, I always return realizing that many awful, harmful things did happen that were extremely damaging to me. No matter how icky it felt, in the end it just didn't make any sense, was wrong, and I deserved to regain self-respect if nothing else (still a work in progress).

Which brings up the stage you find yourself at, where you've had enough and want to live your life in a pro-active way instead of resigning yourself to uncomfortable outcomes.Even if there's further pain involved, you've shown a willingness to be the friend you deserve to have now. So congratulations on doing so, and I hope you stay on track. Here's to finding a safe, peaceful way to the next recovery steps.     

[beingme]

Thanks woodsgnome, and I started reading that book, thankfully I have a day off work, it made me cry heaps, in grieve, in recognition. No way I could work today, I feel exhausted but in a positive way