A Letter to my Younger Self

[DandelionCrown]

I shouldn't be so nervous to write this to you. After all, you're younger and smaller and have far fewer resources than I do. You can do nothing to hurt me.

At least, nothing more than you've already done.

All of the books I've read and the resources I've been given told me that I need to make peace with you. I need to coddle you and protect you and make you feel safe and loved.

I can feel you revolting even as I type this. You've always hated being coddled. You won't listen to me when I try to say nice things to you, and none of it will soothe you. You keep on kicking and screaming. And you know what? I don't like you, either. I don't think I ever have. I've run away from your juvenile tendencies and have been better off for it. You are a collection of all the things I've left behind and forced into the vault in the back of my brain.

Pete Walker's book suggested that I tell you all the ways that I would step in to defend you if I could go back in time. How I'd throw myself between you and her when she's screaming obscenities and threats at you. How I'd pick you up and carry you away when they'd force you to sit at the table for hours on end, telling you every one of your faults. How I'd steal food from the pantry and keep it somewhere you could eat it so that you wouldn't be starving all day, and then I'd hide the evidence so they wouldn't scream at you. But even as I type those things, I don't think they're true. I wouldn't do those things for you. Why would I? You're a whiny brat. You were cruel to everyone you met, with your expectations astronomically high. You make it ridiculously hard to like you. Why would I put myself in danger for someone who would just turn around and lash out at me?

I began to realize how much I hate you a few days ago, but every day that hate has grown. I've managed to mitigate the worst of your impulses now that I've grown up, but I know you're there, under the surface of everything. You insist on getting my attention every time I hear children playing or laughing, and send me into a flashback. You force me to buckle down in isolation at the slightest of provocations. I hate you. I can't stand you.

I can't stand that you'll grow up and be me.

[Libby183]

I don't really know what to say other than this is a really powerful letter. I related very strongly to absolutely everything you said, especially as I had just read your introductory post.

I wasn't sexually abused, just physically and emotionally abused. I suspect it started from the day of my birth. My hatred of myself is so deep and I am only just beginning to realise this.

I suppose that the question is, where do people go when they reach this point. I am basically alone now so perhaps I will start caring for myself.

All the best on your journey. I think that the bravery in your letter, and the honesty may be a good place to start.

Libby.

[Blueberry]

I don't really know what to say either, but want you to know that I read it.

Your honesty and self-analysis stand out for me. My present therapist always asks me how I feel or what I think is going on. He doesn't want to hear the theories and suppositions I've been fed over the years by other therapists. Your post is like that for me - you've been told you 'need to' make peace but that's not working for you atm. I would presume that you need to do something different before you can make peace.

Though 'need to' sounds to me like 'should', which can be a problematic word. It certainly is for me.

btw Welcome to the forum

[DandelionCrown]

Libby183-
I would challenge you on your use of the word "just." You were physically and emotionally abused-- there's nothing "just" about it. Your trauma is equally as valid as anyone else's, especially mine.

I hope you're able to find some support here and in other areas of your life. I know what it's like to feel alone, and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

All the best to you as well.

-----
Blueberry-

I'm such a practical person that I like the word "should" and "need to"-- I deeply crave a solution to my issues, and it often frustrates me that so much of my recovery requires emotional work, because it feels structureless. I just often tend to turn around and blame myself when the solutions I've been given don't work for me (Thanks, M). Making peace with my inner child is just so hard when I'm trying to cultivate a one-sided relationship and offer unconditional love for someone I don't even like.

Also, thanks for the welcome!

-DandelionCrown