An Introduction

[DandelionCrown]

Hello! I've been quietly stalking these forums for about a week now, and I think I'm ready to actually introduce myself.

I was diagnosed with cPTSD after two years in therapy. I grew up with a pedophilic, misogynist father and a mother with her own severe case of cPTSD and Stolkholm Syndrome. I didn't really get a childhood. My mother tells me that the abuse started when I was two and a half and she was pregnant with my little brother, because that was the first time my father had come home from deployment. I was isolated and not allowed to bother my parents for any reason at all. My parents had strict regulations on food, and I was not allowed to have friends. I was to be a good housewife-in-training, as well as the smartest and prettiest girl in my class. I accomplished these things with moderate success, but any wavering from this perfection had terrible consequences.

At twelve years old, my father sexually abused me and I seriously contemplated rash, permanent action. The friendships I had managed to make and hide from my parents fell apart as I discovered my sexuality. I managed to patch myself together by the time I went to high school at 14, but I had had my first real bout of depression and I would never be the same.

My parents divorced a month before I turned 16, and a few months later, my father was arrested publicly. His face was plastered across local newspapers and I was barricaded in my house for a week. He'd gone from local hero to the fallen angel, and my family was crucified for it. I lost my leadership positions in the school marching band. My teachers looked on me with disgust. I was alone, save for the little brother who I had to cook for every night and ensure he got his homework done. My mother stopped coming home, save for a few hours each night to sleep. She was home after we went to bed, and she was gone before I got up in the morning. When I did see her, we would fight like cats and dogs, and she'd say horrible, nasty things to me.

Up until I moved out, I kept our house clean and my little brother on track. I graduated high school with a 4.4 GPA, but didn't apply for any colleges. Instead, I moved in with extended family and started going to a community college and going to therapy. I'm just starting to realize the extent of what happened, and how much it's impacted my life. I struggle to forgive myself for my own contribution to the toxic environment, and how it impacted my brother, who is most certainly the only good thing to come out of that household. I have multiple flashbacks every day and 3 out of 5 days of the week, it feels impossible to get out of bed. I can't go out in public without teetering on the edge of a panic attack, and I have court in a few days where I'm going to have to sit not five feet from my father and beg a judge to make him stay away from me, because he keeps sending me letters.

I have dreams and aspirations. There's so much I want to do and accomplish and achieve, but I feel like I got pushed off the docks with rocks in my shoes, mafia-style. I'm struggling to make my brain work the way it's supposed to work, before I have to actually be an adult and take on the full weight of that responsibility.

[Three Roses]

Hello! I'm a bit foggy headed or I'd say more but just wanted to make sure you got a welcome. Thanks for joining!

[Libby183]

Welcome to OOTS,DandelionCrown.

What a very sad and traumatic time you have had. You have done so well to survive, care for your brother and still feel you have aspirations.

I really related to your mention of being a good housewife in training. That's all that was ever expected of me too. We can be so much more than that, if we can find our way through.

This is a caring and helpful site and I feel sure that you will find support here as you go forward with your recovery.

Libby

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS DandelionCrown   

So sorry to hear all you have endured and the symptoms you are experiencing because of that.  It's a terrible legacy our families 'gift' us with.  I'm glad you have a therapist and now have found your way here to OOTS.  Getting the trauma out into the light of day is difficult to say the least but it is the way out of the storm so to speak so I hope you will continue talking to both your T and here.   

I have court in a few days where I'm going to have to sit not five feet from my father and beg a judge to make him stay away from me, because he keeps sending me letters.

Sending you as much support as is possible via the Internet. I know this will be incredible difficult but you are taking care of yourself and that is really important in recovery      

[DandelionCrown]

Dear BeHea1thy,

I have extended family who I'm going with to court, but I'm nervous even for that because they often make me feel boxed in. I tend to try to withdraw from people when I feel triggered, so I'm hoping they'll just take me home and let me sleep afterwords, and won't try to talk over my head. I'm torn between wanting people to love and help and support me, and just wanting everyone to go away so I can have some space.

Thank you for responding. I appreciate you taking the time to read my story.
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Thank you to everyone who read my post. It's good to know that I'm not suffering in silence or secret anymore.

-DandelionCrown

[beingme]

Welcome DandelionCrown


I too have only joined and told my story and found real support and hope from the people here and their stories.

I understand how you can want and not want help and support at the same time, I don't even know how to accept help and when some one does something kind for me without reward I cry as I do not know how to respond to the kindness.

Stay strong.

[DandelionCrown]

Thank you, Beingme.

I understand how you can want and not want help and support at the same time, I don't even know how to accept help and when some one does something kind for me without reward I cry as I do not know how to respond to the kindness.

I resonate with this so immensely it hurts. It's like waking up in a whole new world without a map, except this world is so much better than the last. I'm usually left mumbling and blushing at genuine compliments (when I can discern them and my Inner Critic stays quiet), and I get overwhelmed and disconnect when someone does something powerfully kind for me. I don't even always recognize it because I'm so caught up in responding the "right" way. It's so hard to adapt when it feels so powerful, but through loved ones, a little exposure therapy to acts of kindness might teach me how to respond both genuinely and appropriately.

I wish you all the best, and more acts of kindness to come. I'm in that same boat with you.

-DandelionCrown

[beingme]

Yes, what is the appropriate response?  I am still learning.

[maricelt]

Hey there.
I'm new too.