Books about boundaries?

[Sceal]

Hi! I tried to search and I didn't find anything on this page.  So I hope it's okay I just ask it here.
Does anyone have a book they recommend which is about learning to set boundaries? I thought there'd be loads out there, but everytime I search it's the same one that pops up. It's either the one that is written by some christian psychologists and where the reviews say they quote the scripture at every possible time - that's not for me. And the other one is written by someone who's a trained mental health professional - I don't even know what that means... And I would like it written by a psychologist, researcher, or something like that.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Sceal, I just finished reading "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin". I don't know if that's the one you mean but I thought it was excellent. I come from a family with undefined boundaries and I am a complete newcomer to the subject but I found it very straightforward to read and understand.

I hope that helps. The book is at home so I can't check the author right now but I think it might be Anne Katherine.

The reason I'm not sure is the cover is different on mine than the ones I can see online, but probably mine is just a different edition.

[Sceal]

Yeah , that's one of the books that came up. She's the one trained in mental health, but the book  has helped you and you would recommend it?

[SharpAndBlunt]

Yes, I recommend it and it has helped me.

It has lots of examples and some exercises to do but you don't have to do those. I did some and they did help with the ideas.

I just found it very clear and logical and easy to read. It doesn't come across like an academic text.

It explains different types of boundaries (e.g. physical, emotional) and it has lots of examples where it explains where boundaries were violated and then it explains how things could be better.

Sometimes the author asks you to think about the situations before she gives guidance and other times she just goes into explanations.

If you have any questions about it I'm more than happy to try to answer them.

[Sceal]

Does it help you learn how to set boundaries with others. Like when someone is asking something of you, it'll help you find ways to say "no", without having to explain, elaborate, defend, dissapoint or make it escalate into a conflict?  Or ways to teach you how to avoid consuming everyone elses hopes, dreams, expectations, emotions and so on? Does it talk about identifying when your boundaries are being overstepped? I don't always see that in the moment, until later if I analyze something.
I'm not sure if it's these kinds of boundaries that book is about, or if they are more about the "clear cut" things such as "this is my body, not yours" kind of thing.

[SharpAndBlunt]

Yes, it does help me to identify when my boundaries have been over stepped. I too am bad at doing this in real time. Having all the examples clearly set out and explained really does help.

There is a chapter, chapter 7, titled Boundary Violations, devoted to various ways they happen. This is a small paperback book with reasonably large print so this chapter is only 13 pages but still packs a lot in.

This chapter (actually all of the chapters) is broken down in to a series of sub sections, each one dealing with a quite specific way in which a boundary has been over stepped. But, I guess the author has obviously thought a lot about it and has probably covered most bases.

One thing to be aware of is that the author assumes the reader is a female. But, I have found that what is written still applies to me (I am male).

I am assuming this might be a consequence of when it was written (1991) and it was assumed most readers would be women. But this is only apparent a couple of times in the book and it did not affect me or put me off.

The book is written from the perspective of your own boundaries being overstepped. Which is definitely helpful to your third question. But, it  also helps me by giving me a clearer idea of other people's boundaries, which I think could also help you with your second question. That is a big and difficult one for me and I think it has to do also with attachment and enmeshment. I suffer from this sense of consuming others' vitality too - I think this is a very powerful thing you have written - and though it is tough for me this book can help me with that. It's hard to explain but I have come up with the following guide for myself.

"if it is written here that I am over stepping a boundary then, no matter how tough for me it is to admit to myself, its time I have to stop".

So, it does help to identify I think when I might be heading down a path to do that. Just by being aware of these boundaries it can help to prevent over stepping them. I hope that helps??

As an aside, I sometimes over step my own boundaries! By not caring or looking after myself. But that is kind of an aside but to me it is important because it is all interlinked.

For your first question about practical ways of setting and respecting boundaries without escalation I have found the following online module very helpful (it was recommended to me by a professional). It is about assertiveness and it really does address those questions. I recommend you give it a read if you can. I plan on re reading it again and again.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Assertiveness

I have been really concentrating on this book and the assertiveness module the last few weeks. They both have been helpful to me. I think there is a lot of overlap between assertive behaviour and boundaries.

I hear what you're saying about the clear cut violations and the book does deal with that but really it is much more than that and it does deal with the more subtle forms too.

I hope this is not too wordy. I am quite enthusiastic about this subject and am learning too.

[Three Roses]

Hi Sceal, since you asked this I've kept my eyes out for something about boundaries for you and today I ran across this quote. I don't know if the book is Christian or not but the name of it is "Grounded Spirituality" by Jeff Brown.

"Healthy boundaries aren't walls or barbed wire fences. They are gates, portals that we selectively open when it is safe and life-enhancing to do so. Sometimes we do have to wall others off - to heal, to get a taste of what it feels like to be protected after an abundance of suffering - but eventually we come into a sacred balance. Here, we make conscious decisions as to when to open, when to close. I think of it as the art of selective attachment. Rather than responding from a patterned place, that is too open or too closed, we assess each situation in its own merits. We keep the gate closed, when it is unsafe to open it. We unlatch the gate, if there is a healthy basis for connection. Healthy boundaries are situation specific, evolving and clarifying as we grow. We sift connections through an intelligently discerning filter, only opening the gate to those experiences and individuals that enhance our sacred true-path."

I've also found an article online that exceeds the maximum allowed length of 25,000 characters or I'd it copy it for you here, but here's the link to it;  http://www.new-synapse.com/aps/wordpress/?p=1911

It's very good and helped me a lot in understanding boundaries. Hope all this is helpful and not too lengthy.

[Sceal]

I didn't realize that I had forgotten to reply to this thread. I'm sorry about that. Sharpandblunt, thank you so much for your well thought reply. I have read it several times, and thank you for taking the time to answer me so wholly. I think I will look into that book. It can't hurt to read it, it's only then I will find if it's good for me. I haven't checked out the link yet though I will.

Three Roses, first of all thank you for keeping an eye out!
I don't think that was the Christian book that I read about, I don't recognize the authors name.  I'll check out the book. Thank you.
I will also read the article! I just need a less cluttered mind first.

[Three Roses]

Yes I understand about needing an uncluttered mind to be able to read. I would like to encourage you to give it a shot, as it's written in a conversational tone. Hugs to you! 

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Sceal, thank you and no problem.

For me, everything to do with cptsd takes a very long time to absorb. So I'm always wary of overloading myself. I also get it about needing an uncluttered mind! Small amounts when I am able seems to be working for me. 

SaB