Ups and downs.

[Libby183]

I would say that this has been the most awful month of my life. But then I remind myself that I have had many awful months so it probably just feels like that.

I have had to accept that my husband hasn't loved or cared for me for a long time. The root of this is clearly my cptsd, but his own issues must have played a part. I am trying not to take all of the blame, especially as all the things that stressed me, and pushed me over the edge, like having children and moving home, were things we did together. Is that reasonable, I wonder.

Actually, I am beginning to see how his disgust at me has been making me worse for a long time. I have to accept, as well, that there is no relationship to be saved between me and my autistic son. I have to tell myself that he just doesn't have it in him, and even though it isn't his fault, I cannot cope with the rejection.

On the other hand, I have found that I do  have some people who care and support me. They have stepped up, so to speak, because I have allowed myself to be vulnerable to them. I have been hugged more in the last few weeks, than in my entire childhood. Not difficult, as I was never hugged as a child.

To round everything off, I have broken my wrist and feel so vulnerable because every tiny thing is so difficult. Trying to tell myself that if I get through this, I can get through anything. Sometimes I believe it, mostly I don't. Perhaps the balance will shift.  It doesn't help that, atm, I just can't picture a future.

Anyway, just thought I would get this out of my system.

Thanks for listening.

Libby.

[Blueberry]

I don't think there's anything I can write that will make things better for you. I'm sending good thoughts and    I'm glad you've been getting real hugs, not just virtual ones.

[Libby183]

Thanks Blueberry.

It's the struggle with the shame, guilt and self-loathing that I am finding so difficult. I am taking all of the blame and torturing myself with how I should have been. The problem is that I was brought up to be this way. I feel so confused.

Thank you so much for responding.

Libby.

[LilyITV]

You are dealing with so much, and then to break your wrist... I'm so sorry.      It's good to see you have people who are supporting you in this difficult time. 

Nothing good or bad lasts forever...

[Libby183]

Thanks, Lily. I shall try to remind myself that bad things don't last forever. Am feeling a bit better atm.

[Hope67]

Hi Libby,
Glad you're feeling a bit better atm - sending you a hug and I hope your wrist mends very soon.
Hope 

[Libby183]

Thanks Hope. This is going to be one of the most major challenges of my life. Starting it with a broken wrist was not a great idea!

Hoping things are going well for you.

Libby

[SharpAndBlunt]

Hi Libby, here is a virtual hug  and thinking of you at this challenging time and wishing you all the best for ahead.

[Libby183]

Thanks for the virtual hug, SharpAndBlunt.  Very much appreciated.

I am making a bit of progress, in that, I am staying with my daughter and I have been spending my days killing time in the
city where she lives. I would not have done this in the past as I would have been too anxious and would have thought I should have been doing something useful at home. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

Sadly, I will have to go home at the weekend. I'll be thrilled to see my dog but terrified to see husband and sons. The shame is so deep. For me, the inner critic is the worst part of CPTSD.

Take care.

Libby.

[Three Roses]

 

[Blueberry]

 

[Jdog]

Libby183-

I certainly can relate to feelings of shame, and I know that in the past I have acted out of that place and been someone I barely recognize now.  You seem to be allowing yourself to feel some new things, like allowing yourself to have a leisurely time while visiting your daughter.  I think shame teaches us that we are undeserving of good feelings.  Sometimes, for me, it is difficult to notice the good feelings that try to come into my heart.

Here's hoping that you can feel the good feelings that may be waiting to be let into your heart.   

[Not Alone]

Libby,

My heart hurts for you that you are in so much pain. I encourage you to take one moment at a time and keep getting those real and virtual hugs.  You are worthy.