The bitterest pill

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Rainagain

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The bitterest pill
« on: January 29, 2019, 10:42:35 PM »
Had an almost unbelievable realisation a few days ago.

Left work a few years ago after 2 years of incredibly harsh times, threats to life, family, isolation, terrible stuff due to the unusual work I did.

Employer were very poor, did some stuff to 'help' which made it worse then said it wasn't their problem, it was mine.

The realisation is that they could have stopped the situation at any time, never really considered it in that way as I was ludicrously dedicated.

But it was an option for them. Instead they did a few things to tackle the stress and had regular psych reports done almost to document my decline.

But they could have just stopped it totally instead.

I'm a bit in shock really, betrayal is too small a word.

Part of me thinks its almost amusing, the work was killing me even if the third parties didn't, but the employer wanted the huge pay day I was bringing them. So on I went like a good cog in their machine until they got the pay day and I got broken.

All the time telling me they were doing more than they really needed to because they were generous......yikes.

I suppose it had to be a hugely damaging betrayal to have the effect on me it has had. So glad I have finally worked out why I felt badly betrayed.

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Kizzie

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Re: The bitterest pill
« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2019, 11:53:52 PM »
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...the work was killing me even if the third parties didn't, but the employer wanted the huge pay day I was bringing them. So on I went like a good cog in their machine until they got the pay day and I got broken. All the time telling me they were doing more than they really needed to because they were generous......yikes.

Yikes is right Rainagain, that really is a  bitter pill to swallow.  :hug:

Just a thought here but maybe letting yourself have this realization is a sign you are able to take these pills and go on. It may even be it will help by keeping you safe from people like this in the future? I hope this turns out to be the case  :yes:

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Rainagain

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Re: The bitterest pill
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2019, 12:05:48 AM »
Thank you kizzie.

It now all fits with some stuff I've seen on utube, Jordan Peterson and others.

I was naive, I thought if I did a really good job for my employers then they would do their duty by me.

But only I was following the rules, naive.

I'm feeling a little stronger now that I understand.

This new understanding is something my lawyers missed, I am fairly sure I have just won my court case against my ex employer, need to talk it through but I'm confident I'm correct in that.

So, my recovery starts with showing my employer I know exactly what they did, and I can prove it.

I've worked out a lot of my symptoms being here, now I understand the cause fully, I understand why I felt betrayed so intensely now.

Its taken Years to get here, years of putting fragments together but I have a narrative that makes total sense, finally.

I might get through this. Its a positive step.


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Kizzie

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Re: The bitterest pill
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2019, 07:41:44 PM »
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Its taken Years to get here, years of putting fragments together but I have a narrative that makes total sense, finally.

I was just reading about dissociative amnesia and how trauma survivors forget to protect ourselves. It makes sense that when we have been betrayed/abused/abandoned we would use a protective behaviour like this. If/when we do recover memories, put the pieces together, and clearly see (and feel) the ways things were I do think we are ready to deal with the trauma which sounds like this is the case for you. 

I do hope you have been able to hold your employer accountable legally, that should also go a long way toward healing.  Bravo for persevering  :applause: