Fawn's Journal

[Fawn]

18/3/15 ; Food issues below, no ED's, bu issues nonetheless.

I seem to have a knack for looking at this forum when I'm in an emotional state. But it seems to calm me down in it's way, so I wont argue.

Today I spotted this, the journal. This, I think, is more my speed. Companionship and emotional soundboarding with friends? Yes please. I'm not always good with the technicalities that seem to fill the rest of the forum and since I'm doing this alone, refusing to see a therapist (I've seen enough and I'm about 50% petulant child) I don't think I'm steady enough with knowing what's going on with my mental health for that yet. (So far, depression has been identified. I considered AVPD for a little while but now I'm not so sure. Intellectual Giftedness seems to be a given, and then there's CPTSD.)

My timing seemed pretty good. It's not long past midday and I've already broken down. It was nearly twenty hours since I'd eaten and I have issues with blood sugar at the best of times, but right now it's that time of month and I'm that much more likely to faint. I told my mum there was no food and she seemed to blame me. (Well, she doesn't eat so it must be my fault, right?) And I just broke down. On a possible bright side, though, it meant I could finally say the words to my nan. I can't be here.

It's effecting my physical and mental health, I'm missing medication doses... I think she understands now I can't live with my mum right now. No matter how much part of me wants to.

So, even with earlier, I think there's a little bit of hope?

[Trees]

Fawn, yes, it is okay to not deal with "technical issues".  For me, it comes and goes, my ability to deal with the details of the  condition.  Some years I am reading voraciously everything I can get on the subject, and some years I am seeking only the gentlest of comfort.   Trust yourself to set your own pace.

I, too, am often a petulant child!      But knowing that I know this does help remove some of the sting of it.

Also I have a terrible time getting myself to eat regularly and wisely, despite all I know about how important that is.  Learning to love myself by caring properly for myself is just so challenging.       

[Fawn]

25/3/15 ; Family therapy. Ugh.

I keep logging on to write more and then I don't do it. I got glad I hadn't at first, because my nan and I have talked, and I can go back. I should be able to get myself up enough by the time I need to work to college.

I've been reading up again on emotional abuse and I just can't decide if it applies to my mother or not. On the one hand, our therapists are right, there's a crazy amount of love between us, but on the other, today she repeatedly told me I was wrong about something and twisted my words in front of them. Thank God, they called her out on it. But it doesn't make it any less unpleasant and it doesn't stop it happening (or make it easier) when she does it at other times, or in front of other family.

I'm sure I need or want to write more, but there are more words here than I thought I'd get out today so I'll be pleased with that, I suppose.

[Fawn]

26/07/15 Panic? warning. Maybe. God, I suck at warnings. Health issues as always.

Well damn. I'm twenty now. I have been for over a month and I can't process it.

Things have happened. Loads of them, which I guess is why this place just disappeared from my head for so long.

Was college a thing I ever talked about on here? Because as of yet, I'm going back this year. When people ask I tell them its still a maybe, so that if it comes to it, I don't have to face going from a yes to a no.

But I'm still very worried about it. When I went in to apply and for interviews etc. I felt ill. It's not something I've felt for a few years now. I felt almost short of breath, very shaky and kind of sick. Borderline panic, I think. I'm hoping with all the times I've been in there this year, I'll be okay walking onto campus come september. Now I just have to worry about my classmates. We had a taster lesson for the first course I applied for and every second felt wrong to me. I think it was mostly down to being a 20yo surrounded by 15/6yos. Which will still be a problem in the new course, but I'm hoping it's more dedicated. That first one... I think it was a cop-out course. The kind people take to get the numbers and move on, even if I was intensely interested.

I lost a friend recently. Not in any dramatic sense of the word, she's taken an indefinite hiatus from the website we met on. Eventhough she's been inching away from it for months, I feel her absence very, very, very much. We're on opposite sides of the world, so it's hard to be around. I often credit her with tugging me out of my shell, so in some ways it feels like I'm learning to do things without her. Which is a ridiculous thing to type given I just said we're on opposite ends of the earth and haven't spoken regularly in months.

My mum was recently diagnosed with diabetes, and my nan thinks she's brighter since she started the medication. I think I see it too? But then, nan also said my mum has the same patience with our puppy that she had with me when I was little. I wanted to cry at that. I'm not sure I can put why into words. I think it hurt.

I tried to get benefits for my psoriasis, since it's on my feet and hands. I didn't get it. I wouldn't mind but the assessor didn't acknowledge any of my problems. If he thinks I can cook, I'll offer him one sandwich with flakey skin and another with a layer of cream all over it. It made me angry because washing my hair hurts. Dressing hurts. Writing hurts. And my mum was there when I got the letter. So I got a lecture on everything I did wrong and why.

I apologise for the long * post. And the apparent diary format. I guess I take the journal part a bit literally.