Hi all, thanks very much for your replies and for checking in with me. I am still plodding along, trying to fight through isolation and depression to make forward motion in my life. The warmer weather has been helping, because it means I'm spending more time outside planting in my garden. But other than those small cyclical changes, things feel very much the same.
I've been thinking about the origin of this isolating behavior and realized I have always done it for as long as I can remember. I was truant all the time from school beginning in early grade school (2nd grade or so), staying home under the covers all day because I "felt sick" (really just nausea from anxiety and an inability to get out of bed from depression). In college, I ended up going to class less and less until I dropped out. I've leaned heavily on sick/vacation time policies of every place I've worked - I never really get to take a vacation because I use up all my leave time on days I can't get out of bed. When I think about how long this has been going on, I feel shocked that I've made it this far and afraid that things will never be different for me. I realize that I don't have a very strong attachment to my life and always feel like I'm "just passing through" whatever my current circumstances might be. Each day feels like a thing to be endured so I can survive til tomorrow.
I think EFs are definitely playing a role, but I'm having trouble specifically identifying the source. I keep my therapist updated on how I'm feeling, and she usually recommends things that feel too tall an order for my perpetual state of exhaustion, like joining a weekly group therapy. I did finally get up the energy to try out one group, but it turned out to be a bad fit and definitely left me feeling more depleted.
I also notice that I don't have a vision of myself in the future and I wonder if somehow cultivating one could help me feel more connection to my present. And definitely part of this is that I have such a hard time being present in my body - maybe I am experiencing a low level disassociation at all times? Maybe if I valued myself and my life, being present in my body could be more possible? These all feel like very big questions and big problems...