New member-All alone and resisting the urge to go into the fog (Trigger Warning)

[Black Sheep]

Hello to all,
I've never tried to do anything like this before, but I hope it will help me avoid drowning in the PTSD fog again.

I've recently learned about CPTSD.  After 63 years, it's nice to finally know what's wrong with me. Most of my childhood memories are suppressed, a void of nothingness.  My mother was narcissistic.  I was the family scapegoat.  I was always treated as a stupid, inferior human, and everything that went wrong was my fault.  I was mentally/emotionally abused.  My mother passed away in 2018, and I am finally free!

I think what triggers my extreme symptoms is loss.

First event: 8 years old.  My father had abandoned the family.  I come home from school and find my things have been given away, the house sold, and I'm leaving my mother (and ill but perfect sister) to live with an aunt/uncle.  I have my first meltdown.

Second event; I'm 12 years old.  My beloved grandmother has died.  She was my only escape from ongoing abuse.  I would go into her room and help her quilt, and while I was there she would not let others hurt me.  Without her, I lost my sanctuary.  I became suicidal.

I'm leaving out a lot.

Recent event, 2012.  My beloved cat disappears.  I think my mother poisoned her and/or shot her.  I sink into a PTSD fog that lasts until 2018.  This event was worst than the others, lasted longer, hit harder, was harder to get out of.  It was frightening.  Although I am no longer suicidal, I am apathetic toward life.  It is as if all love stopped.  All reason to live stopped.

Now: My neighbor, with no warning or reason, shot and killed my replacement cat.  I got her in 2013, trying to get out of the fog above.  This new, senseless act has me teetering again. 

I find I'm very frightened that I will forget my beloved fur-babies.  I don't want to forget them!  It's as if I let go of reliving them in the present they will disappear in my memory too.

Many think this is stupid--grieving over a cat.  But losing them to these heinous acts is more than I can handle.  I feel guilty that I didn't somehow prevent what happened or somehow save them.  Nobody understands what I'm going through.  I feel very alone.

[Three Roses]

First of all, welcome to the forum, Amy. I don't think grieving a beloved pet is silly or stupid at all. It hurts my heart to hear what's been done to them.

And it hurts to hear what you've been through. I hope you find solace here among us - understanding and compassion. We've been abused and told it was our fault. It wasn't. It was the fault of the very people who were supposed to be looking after us. They failed their roles miserably. That is on them, not us!

We've been told we are stupid, made to feel inferior, we've been scapegoats. For many years I believed in the core of my being that I was sub-human. These are natural reactions to the horrendous abuse we went through. But we have survived.

I hope to hear more from you. Thanks for joining us.
for you if it's OK with you.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Amy    I moved your post here because it lets members  welcome you and hear what brought you here. I also added a trigger warning because of what happened to your cat, it just helps members be aware there is something in the post that they may find triggering and violence can be. 

I second what Three Rose wrote, grief and anger are in no way stupid - they are normal human feelings in the face of loss. Unfortunately loss is something those of us with CPTSD have had to face a lot of and it just adds up.

By coming here you're not quite so alone with all this any more.  Talking about things with others who understand can help so I hope you will keep posting. 

[Not Alone]

Amy, welcome to OOTS. I am so sorry about your cats. Everything that you are feeling about that is okay, nothing wrong with your feelings.

[beingme]

Amy, Welcome to OOTS

Every feeling you have is legitimate. The love you feel for your feline friends is real and valid. The grief you feel is valid and real. Our furry friends are sometimes our only true friends and family.

I also had a life time of narcissist abuse (covert) from a family member (sisters)  it took me till I was 52 years old to be free and have NC with them

Without my ponies I would be a complete mess, they are the reason I get up every day.

Go to a rescue place and volunteer some time with the animals is my suggestion.

Take care and be strong.

[woodsgnome]

I've also had a long relationship with the healing presence of cats, and what you describe is devastating in and of itself. But add on the other snippets of the FOO you started with and all those heartbreaks together make for a lot to have survived.

While you've survived, I think it's even more notable that you're now reaching out for help. You mentioned how you've never tried anything like this forum, so I'll share what helps me. What that is, is to picture this forum and those on it as if we're a group seated by a campfire or fireplace, and that all here are all the sorts of friends who only think the best of you; who won't judge you for having had difficulties. We've been there, too, will listen and if apropos, perhaps add words of encouragement too.

Welcome to the OOTS forum.