Back in therapy, can’t stop crying.

[Eyessoblue]

I'm back in therapy. My Therapist told me she believed I was holding on to my ptsd as I was scared at letting myself go forwards, after a lot of thought, I think some of this is true and it did shock me. Anyway the session went on and she talked about my potential in life what she thought I was capable of etc all very positive, then said you've got to move on you've got to allow yourself to be free now, you've carried this for too long it's my time to shine etc. I just broke down completely because I know this but won't let myself do it. Anyway 2 days later I still can't stop crying really unusual for me, but I feel like something or someone has died like I'm on a huge grieving process I feel completely lost if not abandoned?? Could this perhaps be an inner child thing or has reality hit me hard and I'm grieving for what Ive lost etc I'm very confused and would really appreciate any advice.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed right now. I think if it were me in that situation, the tears could definitely be coming from grief that I'd not allowed myself to feel before. You can't really feel grief in the middle of the very circumstances that have caused the grief. Maybe now you feel safe enough, and seen enough, and heard enough to know that it's okay to let down your guard? You had been abandoned to abuse and neglect, but now there is hope, someone who has come along side you to help.

Maybe all your energy has been going to surviving day to day, putting one foot down and then the other, just moving thru your grief instead of dealing with the devastation of what you've been through. Tears can be cleansing and this could be the beginning of a breakthrough for you. 

[woodsgnome]

It's natural to grieve, even or especially when it seems like there's possibly good prospects ahead, if we give ourselves that chance. It's all so new and different to look up and see an open horizon when up to now all paths forward seemed blocked and life seemed so hopeless.

It's been a hard slog to get this far, and it's scary to realize that maybe, just maybe, things can now be different. It might not be easy, but it's there, and lots of it is due to your own efforts.

Lots of fatigue can tumble out at that moment, just like a dam bursting open. I've reacted similarly, and it can be unsettling. Dismantling all those old false beliefs that we weren't good enough; that we didn't deserve to get better, can for sure induce tears once it hits how there really might be a new way to follow, at long last.

Whatever happens, part of self-love and compassion is to accept the tears. They don't even need to be understood; sometimes it's really the only, and best, option for releasing all those extreme emotions we held inside for fear of ever letting it go. It's only those who haven't been on this rough road who don't get that, who see grieving as a defeat when in fact it's a vital sign of a living, loving human who's doing the best they can. 

[Libby183]

Hi, again, Eyessoblue.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time atm.

I have never been able to cry, but for the last couple of weeks, that's about all I have done. I think you are probably right on both counts. General grief and grief for the inner child, who has suffered so much and for so long.

I think I know exactly what you (and your therapist) mean about letting go of the PTSD, and about how scary it is. The end of my marriage has put me in a similar position. Part of me knows that, in theory, I could move on now, but do I want to? I don't know because it feels so strange and frightening. I don't have a therapist but people I know are telling me that it's my time etc. All the things that your therapist is telling you.

I don't have answers but I think I am in a very similar frame of mind. I hope that this is an important stage in the process of healing, for both of us, and that things get better.

Love to you, Eyessoblue, and keep going forward.

Libby.

[Eyessoblue]

Oh wow thank you all so much, I needed to hear this and am crying again but tears of 'compassion ' rather then remorse. Just feel like I've woken up, connected and almost accepted that this has happened to 'me' been so dissasosiative I've thought it was me looking at someone else but now the connection has happened and it is 'me' thank you all so much.xx
Libby I've been thinking about you a lot, ive always had a connection with you through the 'emdr' process and I'm sorry about your situation, but I'm with you all the way.
Thank you all so much, you have no idea how much this has helped me.x