It's been a hard week

[ChronosBane]

Hi; first time posting here. Let's see: I'm 25, male, diagnosed with PTSD last year, found C-PTSD diagnosis shortly after that.

I am just overwhelmed. I have no control over my emotions this week: Monday I disconnected and skipped school and work, yesterday I was just angry all day, and today I'm feeling...wired - shaky, perhaps,. I used to have a better handle on things, back when I wasn't a full time student and maintenance technician, and when I didn't live with a partner. There isn't any specific trigger this week except usual things - made some mistakes with money, no time to focus on myself, denying myself comfort meals for the sake of health - and there isn't really a solution right now. All I can do is grit my teeth and get through another endless week of rolling the boulder up the hill.

I guess I just wanted to talk to a new outlet and hear somebody remind me that I'm normal and the world isn't about to collapse upon me.

[woodsgnome]

"Rolling the boulder up the hill" is an apt description of what so much of this feels like. It seems endless and one begins to doubt it's even worth still trying.

It's more than tiring, it's heartbreaking. Prospects seem as bleak as they've ever been. I guess the only way I've ever gotten past this is to be angry, grieving, sad, whatever the feeling is. And somehow realize within (if it's too hard to show your inner emotions at places like work or school) that maybe I'll surprise myself. No idea how this might happen but holding that thin strand of possibility open helps, at least for me it has.

Anger and feeling wired are often entirely normal. Except when it's turned on one's self. Even though it may sound like a cliche, I think that's essential whatever the cptsd circumstances may be that fuels anger and so much of the rest.

I hope you'll feel free to reach out here. And ... welcome ...

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I was so happy when I found this community - for the first time in my life I found a group of people who could really relate to things I'd always felt no one else would understand. I'm glad you're here and I hope you have the same experience. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Chronosbane     Unfortunately many of us know the boulder thing all too well    Dealing with trauma just takes an enormous amount of energy and layer on top of the demands of daily life and we are just a tired out group of people.

I've found that carving out time to rest/relax/recharge is an absolute must for me. It sounds like you are really busy but could you make an appointment with yourself once a day for something that is just for you, whatever that may be? In my case I had to work at doing this at first because I was so used to doing, doing, doing and I felt I was being selfish or weak, but it's habit now and it really has helped me to shrink the boulder.

[Not Alone]

Understand all those feelings, especially feeling shaky. (My therapist tells me that is very common for people dealing with similar issues as me.) Glad you took the risk and posted. When I am feeling overwhelmed and I text a few trusted friends, their care for me keeps me from the edge of the cliff. You are not alone.

[Rovivrus]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Chronosbane     Unfortunately many of us know the boulder thing all too well    Dealing with trauma just takes an enormous amount of energy and layer on top of the demands of daily life and we are just a tired out group of people.

I've found that carving out time to rest/relax/recharge is an absolute must for me. It sounds like you are really busy but could you make an appointment with yourself once a day for something that is just for you, whatever that may be? In my case I had to work at doing this at first because I was so used to doing, doing, doing and I felt I was being selfish or weak, but it's habit now and it really has helped me to shrink the boulder.

Very good point. If I can add something useful to it is to be careful regarding the fun: it have to doesn't become about doing & doing, as that can happen as well.
I'd suggest never beat yourself up if you can't have fun enough, and get the appointment and enjoy the time, if it goes well or not, that doesn't have to be the focus. Soothe oriented rather than productivity oriented (easier said that done, but you know, practice).

There isn't any specific trigger

Triggers aren't easy to see, even looks can do that (I've read about that recently on Walker's book, chapter 8 under the 13 steps).

I guess I just wanted to talk to a new outlet and hear somebody remind me that I'm normal and the world isn't about to collapse upon me.

The only thing that isn't normal is what we have lived, and it is very good if we get angry about it. There will be hard times but you know, if you look what you've already lived, you are here, that's a lot already. 


Welcome aboard.  I hope you have a good time here and I wish you'll find this place cozy and welcoming whenever you need. 

[ChronosBane]

I've found that carving out time to rest/relax/recharge is an absolute must for me. It sounds like you are really busy but could you make an appointment with yourself once a day for something that is just for you, whatever that may be?

Monday through Friday I have about an hour per day, but that hour includes dinner, showering, making sure I'm ready for the next day, and engaging with my partner whom I love very much, but have little emotional energy to give these days. I thankfully have weekends, but I find that they just aren't enough for the amount of care I need daily after 2 years of this and that I still can't leave them totally open and relaxed without feeling anxiety.

I've started up weekly therapy again with the inhouse and very talented therapist here at work, but his visits can sometime make me feel even more out of control as he challenges me to face my own actions and perceptions to get through the last four months of my school. My partner herself is very (heroically, selflessly, incredibly) understanding an helpful, but the strain on my own emotions: the flattening, the anxiety, the dissociation, creates ever evolving challenges for my relationship of 3 years.

I'm doing better this week - in control, but really distant and introspective. Oddly, I'm having this extremely visceral fantasy about disappearing to the pacific northwest to live humbly among the trees and rocks today, and it almost takes my breath away every time I think of it. I'm toying with the idea of a "gap year" job to work in the wilderness for a few months for the summer. That was an interesting conversation with my partner.

[Kizzie]

Oddly, I'm having this extremely visceral fantasy about disappearing to the pacific northwest to live humbly among the trees and rocks today, and it almost takes my breath away every time I think of it. I'm toying with the idea of a "gap year" job to work in the wilderness for a few months for the summer.

Given how it feels when you think about this Chronos, maybe it's something to actually consider?   

[Rovivrus]

Given how it feels when you think about this Chronos, maybe it's something to actually consider? 

Would that be possible in the first place without skills in any field that involves the wilderness?
Have you got them or have you thought if there is anything witch would make you appealing to that kind of job market Chronos?

Traveling can help, in my opinion.

Edit: feelings are complex, and in the case of C-PTSD, this is even more true.
I want to say that in my experience, sometimes I feel in a specific way, but that is not exactly correlated to a specific action or scenario. If it is a wish, sometimes is more like several sets of specific things we wish to obtain, in my experience; it has not much to do with the specific action or scenario we could imagine.
I was often told I could be a philosopher and also a monk by persons of the past and some also related to FOO. I dreamed about the monk thing sometimes, but I obtained what I wanted of that while never becoming a monk or even trying,
Taking it step by step brought me further, regarding that.

That doesn't mean I'd not enjoy a spiritual retreat or something, but rather that it is not my focus at all. I didn't have better words to explain all this, but I wish my message to be useful if it could apply to someone else here.