New here

[Oscen]

Hello there,

Where to begin! I'm feeling optimistic to be here. I've just joined the site and I'm looking forward to hearing/reading stories of those in similar situations to me, and sharing my own.

Let me share my journey in figuring out that I am suffering from childhood emotional trauma, caused by emotional neglect.

I've had several years' worth of therapy spread out over the last six years which helped to a certain extent, though it did not aim to diagnose me or inform me and thus, I feel, was not directed enough to really benefit me. I also spent that time reading, researching, watching youtube videos, and just generally educating myself about what's going on with me. I had always simply thought that I had depression and it ran in the family, and that was that. However, it didn't address a lot of the issues I was having, of an unstable and almost invisible self-image, lack of hope and planning for the future, general distrust of people, and fear of new situations and being seen. I eventually concluded that the depression was just a symptom and not the cause. I stumbled across other possible diagnoses in my research - codependent, BPD, ADD (not ADHD - I'm not hyperactive), even Asperger's, before eventually concluding that my mother probably had NPD, BPD, or most likely was traumatised herself; and so the best diagnosis for me is c-PTSD. It absolutely checks all the boxes and explains so, so much about my self-beliefs, behaviours and sensations, though I still have a very hard time applying this label as my childhood didn't seem that bad. My parents were emotionally neglectful and painfully dismissive, rather than overtly abusive in any way. Of course, the guilt that I feel and the warped thinking and inability to trust my own cognitions is all contributing to me struggling to trust my judgment. But if the shoe fits, wear it. I am now searching for a new therapist, someone who specialises in recovery from childhood trauma, particularly someone who has worked with other people who were covertly abused and emotionally neglected. If anyone knows a good therapist in London, do shout out!

I am looking forward to finally addressing the actual issue, no matter how long it takes, no matter how hard. I am in the process of going no-contact with my mother and figuring out the details and how to deal with the fallout. I'm still nervous about life in general as I am so easily triggered that I don't feel I can completely trust myself and I struggle to connect with the people around me and feel very isolated. But I hope that I can process some of this and learn and grow and change.

Thanks for reading.

[woodsgnome]

  Hi Oscen.

You made some keen observations about realizing your problems flow in and around cptsd. And how its effects can be easily misdiagnosed, while the symptoms sit there and can even snowball into more difficulty. Plus, as you noted, therapy so far tends to be uneven in crunching to the core issues.

So I hope you can settle in here, be able to read the many resources discussed, including accounts from fellow cptsd sufferers, and perhaps add some commentary and/or just wonder what's going on. Rather like the covert abuse you describe, lots of this can be well disguised.

The main thing here is to feel safe. Again -- Welcome.

[Sceal]

Hello!
Just want to drop by and welcome you to the forum! 

[Not Alone]

Welcome to OOTS.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Oscen     

Ongoing neglect/abandonment in childhood is definitely a cause of CPTSD so we have a specific sub-forum for it here - https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=163.0.

I moved your other post there as you're more likely to get responses from those who have also experienced this, plus there's some information there as well. Feel free to post in other sub-forums though, we do understand that CPTSD is caused by different types of childhood trauma but leads to the same place essentially.

   

[Three Roses]

Welcome, oscen!

[Oscen]

Thanks very much for the support and the observations, all. It's good to be able to share my story with people who get it.

Thanks for the info about neglect, Kizzie. I'm checking out those topics now.

Enjoy your Sunday!