Performance anx., abandonment fears with life hardnesses and my presence on OOTS

[Rovivrus]

As a homeless it is difficult to have privacy.
Where I'm settling, somewhere in the UK, I have access to PCs through the library.
Semi OT: The computers are highly locked down and with outdated Internet explorer, I think they're literally only meant for some Microsoft Office work and very simple web browsing (very often, the web browsing part is not that good due to the outdated Microsoft Internet Explorer and the resources used to keep the PC clean/locked down).

There is a computer witch is on the corner and faces the wall, it's the best thing I have. There is another computer next to it and if there is someone using it is not very easy... plus depending on how much the library is busy and on who is using it, there can be highly triggering situations.

Yes, I find it very difficult to participate to OOTS due to this (reason A).

Now, regarding reason B, witch has been affecting me for long time. I have some kind of "performance anxiety" combined with "abandonment fear". In practice, I feel like I have to write a post very well in order to be accepted in OOTS (or any forum in general). (this is also further complicated due to reason A). I feel like the smallest of the mistakes could make my messages be misunderstood, and make me excluded from any community. I've been kind of bullied and isolated from when I was 10 years old IIRC, so those feelings don't surprise me that much.

But this is insanely stressful and drain my energy so much, as it highly compromise my ability to participate to a great place like OOTS, and also to provide and gain support from it. I'd imagine that as we know well what C-PTSD is, to be excluded would never be a thing, still I feel those fears. I know a writer that once wrote that in any sort of group there will always be the black sheep, like some kind of human nature rule (psst, it was the only book I enjoyed reading as a teenager and I read it very fast. Initially, it didn't make sense, then I realized it could have been related to C-PTSD).

[Blueberry]

Hi Rovivrus,

I'm sorry you have to use a computer in a public space. I had to do that for a few days on holiday and found that stressful enough. For you it's all the time, so my compassion on that.

Your performance anxiety sounds to me as if your Inner Critic (ICr) is on the rampage. You can read about ICr here: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=56.0 Most of us with cptsd have a big ICr at the beginning of healing.

To be accepted here you only need to follow the Member Guidelines: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=1616.0

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Rovivrus.  It can be unsettling when you first start posting here -- many of us have a fear of being rejected -- so take your time until you feel comfortable.  I think you will find members are friendly and supportive and that will become less of a concern. 

[Not Alone]

Brave of you to write while struggling with a fear of rejection. I can relate to that fear, as I would imagine most on this site would. Glad you took the risk.

[Rovivrus]

It wasn't that easy to write indeed but yesterday I had probably one of the strongest episode of self-compassion.

At the same time, I think I managed to understand the origin of a flashback for the first time.

Also, as Blueberry said, my critic is very strong. I don't know if it'll help enough, but yesterday I discovered by chance chapter 9 of Pete Walker's book and I didn't think such a thing before (using anger to shrink the critic). 

Moments when I can read/understand that book feels like rare somehow and that chapter 9 came at the right moment when I could understand it well, like very very well.

Eventually I could write two posts here witch was sure a huge achievement for me.

Since yesterday, I want to have even more motivation and strength into this journey, and I know already they're will be moments when I'll feel the other way around, it is not my/our fault, though. That's the greatest thing about it.


PS: I have read the rules already, they're triggering and I have the fear of authorities (have I even be a criminal? No...). It is my intention to respect myself, others, and the rules of this forum as they're meant to keep this valid for anyone, I'd say.

I hope it'll go well by time but there will be sure many hard moments.

I'm happy to have received these replies, thank you.