Sunday, enjoy the smallest good thing of it

[Rovivrus]

As a survivor one of my quality I had to develop is to enjoy the small things,  as good things aren't many, but there are a few.

I know a cafe, it is expensive for me, but I like it there. I started to plan to spend the Sunday morning there.

Unfortunately, Saturday I sleep in a place that is very difficult for me. It is difficult to get out in a good shape.
I can't explain much more of it at the moment.

But what I want to say is that I tried so much hard with all my might this week. Good plans and strategy, it took me a lot to develop it.
Unfortunately, one of the homeless steals my sport direct bag. (Empty, most of the valuables as already been   stolen, I had the clothes drying on chairs).
I had another one repaired with duct tape and needed the other one also.

I've reason to believe now it make me live those moments when my mom touched all my stuff without ever asking, and moved things in my room always as she wanted, even she knew soon I was developing a trauma where I at some point, I had to have all the things in a specific place. That went better by time but my mom.worked hard to make it worse every day.

Crossing personal boundaries without caring of the person at all, like if it is not a human but a object is a trigger.
A homeless stealing from a homeless also is. Many aggressive ones just will discriminate on the one who are different, less aggressive, or SEEMS doing better.

I believe it is just the traumatized one who are turning slowly into abusers. I am chosing the other journey, even it is hard.

That and the fact nobody woke me up today and I had 20 minutes to get ready while the persons cleaning were already cleaning in front of me (long story, but I had been sleeping on a strategic corner to have 15 minutes before someone was sweeping in front of me and touching my stuff, witch is traumatic for me).

Eventually I managed to get out and as I hoped, I also used the toilet (I generally don't make it in time and there's no restrooms available after I leave the shelter).

Unfortunately though, the things were highly triggering. I also had a bag repaired with duct tape. A sleeping bag witch I couldn't get too much wet and well, a bag that could break. Not much space for the bread I had to buy for lunch. I had arrived late at the cafe and my preferite spot is taken.
It is one of the little joy I wanted to have.

At lunch time I managed to get that spot but one gentlemen ask.me if I want to.order something, I can't afford it, paid an expensive espresso already.

I'm not taking much space but it tells me those sofas, he can fit lot of people and if I can move. I understand and move (and think I had to arrive early as I planned when is quiet).

I had to manage a bad flashback before in front of many people, it wasn't easy.

I cannot go into details but if I'd add more this post would make more sense than what it does now.
For.example, I am not sleeping in a shelter but a specific project with specific rules and limits, and that's the only thing available at the moment (or something worse full of drugs and blood everywhere, or the streets). That doesn't mean I dont nave plans, but thigs are never ad easy ad they seems.

I fear to be judged as if someone doesn't know my situation fully, some things don't make much sense. For example why is a coffee expensive? Because at the moment I have a sick note that states I can't work, I plan to work, I sell the big issue witch is triggering and difficult and that is my only income literally. There are always reasons behind the situation of a survivor, in my opinion (not like their bad action are justified, not like that, but like what they feel make sense).

I wrote this on mobile with limited time, please excuse the quality of the post.

PS: this was an extremely difficult bad day, but I eventually managed, so this is the right section, for today at the least. I hope to start a journal, that's a short term goal, but not yet possible. This is also something to get things off my chest. A small part at the least.

Edit: enjoy the little things, I say because in the cafe I enjoyed half an hour, when I also could manage to read posts here, after I handled the flashback. Basically it was half an hour on an entire morning and also while I was hungry, but still, it was a nice day overall. Anger for how it went after my efforts, and next week I plan to make some things clear and ask to be sure I wake up, so I can be sure nobody leave earlier with my property. Sunday is also very important to me. Last time in this cafe I managed to play Pokemon.

[Rovivrus]

Excuses me but now I'm very angry.
It is like a computer after a while shows a blue screen "Error XYZ Too much pain to handle, unknown specific causes". (Or triggers)
If I can make the situation sounds better I need to eat and I'm off to the lake where I am used to eat sandwiches.

You've to see my muscles, much stronger than when I was "eating" with my parents! (Seriously I have iron in the legs now) And less fat then when some folks decided I was crazy. Basically I'm proud of myself for the strength in providing food now and the freedom in eating like I do now).  Still, I feel bad when I eat on the lake because I eat "cheaply" and bad when I eat on a place full of spiceheads (as they're known) because I eat "fancy" (lol). But, here I am, that's good.
I very much appreciate your support, if you wish, please don't judge me too fast, that's all I ask.

I wasn't sure tbh if deleting this last post/reply or posting it but, well, feedback is appreciated and next time I'll know better if type or not type on some moments.