Anger and Related Thoughts

[Hope67]

I have just started to read some of the posts in this part of the forum, relating to Anger - and I wanted to write about the fact that whilst I read what people have written, I notice that I get a very large lump in my throat, and feel quite distressed and upset. 

I came to this area because prior to thinking about 'Anger' I was considering that I have been feeling some anger - which is quite rare for me.  But it's the first time I've come here to this area to read anything about anger, and so I think maybe I avoid it normally.

I read in one thread that LilyITV mentioned that Pete Walker's book stated that "Anger is repressed sadness and sadness is repressed anger" and this resonated with me.  I think that reading about anger makes me feel very sad and upset.  That causes a lump in my throat physically.

When I was considering my feelings internally - just before I came here - I pictured a volcano within the middle of my body - and as if there was pressure there - but I didn't know what might come out of that, and that felt scary.

Someone else wrote "Responds to the experience of powerlessness by dissociating from the experience" (I think that was in an article about Emotional Dysregulation - I am going from memory and thinking about what was written and where - didn't want to lose details, but forgot the source.

I feel as if I'd like to do some painting or drawing to try to encapsulate my feelings and express them - but I am scared of doing that - so I don't do it.   But I feel as if I want to - at the same time.

I also want to write a 'letter to - not to send' to express my anger to my FOO - but I am also scared to do that - at the moment.

I was looking at some photos of my FOO (parents) yesterday - and found that my reaction to seeing them had changed from my usual feeling 'scared and avoidant' - to actually feeling something that I think was 'anger' - and I could also see that in photos where I was also present, that there appeared to be strain in my face, and I looked uncomfortable and had a forced kind of smile on my face, and I looked unhappy in my eyes.  I can see it now, whereas I didn't notice it so much at the time. 

I can feel it more as well - wheareas I think I numb myself and dissociate from it normally.

Hope 

[Hope67]

I need to write something more - because having written what I just wrote - it was like my throat ended up constricting and it literally felt like there was a hand trying to strangle me - I felt intense emotion - like a whoosh of upset, of pain, of being distraught - and the hand on my throat (TW - violent kind of image)

I went into the 'letters not to send' part of the forum, and read a couple of letters there - and my throat felt even tighter - and as I try to work this out - and think why I feel such intensity - I don't know why.  But I wonder if trying to face my anger brings repressed sadness, and that considering the sadness is my repressed anger - I don't know.

Right now, as I write this, the hand has released its grip on my neck.


But I do remember that as a small child I had such a lot of tension in my neck area - and I used to really grit my teeth and grind them - and feel intense tension in my jaw area - so maybe it's connected to that - holding so many things in.  I've had more flashbacks of memories relating to the tension and stuff going on between my FOO (parents) - hearing them shout at each other, hearing the distress in my M's voice - hearing my F shout - and me not understanding why they argued and were so tense.  I was so small.


My chest feels tight now - as I think of that. 

But I think I feel better for having written about this here.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

If it's alright I think I will stand alongside you in this, Hope. I need help to feel and express my anger, too.

[Kizzie]

I was looking at some photos of my FOO (parents) yesterday - and found that my reaction to seeing them had changed from my usual feeling 'scared and avoidant' - to actually feeling something that I think was 'anger'

Sounds like it's time and you're ready (or more ready) to let yourself feel your anger Hope. Whatever the case, we're here to listen and support you 

[Blueberry]

I was looking at some photos of my FOO (parents) yesterday - and found that my reaction to seeing them had changed from my usual feeling 'scared and avoidant' - to actually feeling something that I think was 'anger'

Sounds like it's time and you're ready (or more ready) to let yourself feel your anger Hope. Whatever the case, we're here to listen and support you 

Sounds like real progress to me Hope! Standing with you 

[LilyITV]

Wow.  Thanks so much for sharing.   I love your writing and the detail you go into in describing your emotional processes.  You really do sound like you're making huge strides. 

"scared and avoidant".  Yup that's me in a nutshell.  I will be following with interest your work in this area. 

[Hope67]

I still find it very emotional and creates a physical grip on my neck area and throat to come back in here - and re-read what I wrote, but seeing all the replies from you - it is so validating and humbling.  I feel emotional about that too, and thank you all.

Three Roses - Yes, having you standing with me on this, it feels empowering - really it does, so thank you - and sending you a hug 
Kizzie - Thank you for saying that you think that it sounds like it's time, and that I'm 'ready' to let myself feel some anger - I think you could be right about that - as it is definitely surfacing and I am 'feeling' it more.  Thanks so much for the group hug 
Blueberry - Thank you, I think Anger is an area that I've avoided - or just not felt able to process - and it's early days, but I'm getting there I think.
LilyITV - It was what you said in your post about Anger that helped me - and makes me want to re-read Pete Walker's words about it - because they sound spot on, and somehow I didn't or couldn't process that previously - i.e. when I first read his book.  Thank you for replying here and saying that you think I'm making huge strides - I feel like I'm making some progress - probably more like tentative steps than strides, but I feel some change.

Hope 

[Kizzie]

    and   

[Hope67]

 

[Kizzie]

It's been a while since you started this thread Hope, how are you doing with respect to feeling your anger?

[Hope67]

Hi Kizzie,
Thank you for reminding me of this thread, because it has helped me to re-read it today, and to think about where I am currently in relation to feeling my anger.   I think it's still a challenge, as I vascillate between feeling very sad, and as if there is intense grief, and then I feel some anger about that.  I think what happens is that I switch between considering the needs of my FOO - i.e. what caused them to be as they were, and I feel as if I feel sympathy and understanding about that - and wish that their family circumstances could have been different, and then I feel some anger that they treated myself and my sister in the way that they treated us - I think they met their needs through us, rather than caring for us in the way they should have done.   I feel like I've been a caretaker to my parents for so many decades of my life, and being free from them now, it is still some kind of jail sentence, as somehow I can't actually 'get free' of their influence.  That makes me feel angry. 

Yes, Kizzie, I think I am definitely more in touch with my anger than I have ever been in the past, as I realise I've been able to write something here that describes part of it, and I actually feel ok about having just written that - or at least, I don't perceive any whooshes of emotion just now - but maybe I am dissociated - I don't know.  I feel calm as I write this.

What I do feel angry about is the fact that my FOO lied to me so consistently throughout my childhood, and kept up a pretence.  I don't know how they could do that so consistently for so long.  I am angry about that.

Kizzie, thank you for asking this question, as you focused me again on this, and I hope to return to it, and to consider it. 

Hope 

[Kizzie]

I vascillate between feeling very sad, and as if there is intense grief, and then I feel some anger about that.  I think what happens is that I switch between considering the needs of my FOO - i.e. what caused them to be as they were, and I feel as if I feel sympathy and understanding about that - and wish that their family circumstances could have been different, and then I feel some anger that they treated myself and my sister in the way that they treated us

I hear you Hope, this is still a bit of a struggle for me also b/c it's a big old bag of mixed emotions - understanding & some compassion for my parents who went thru a lot of trauma themselves (and developed NPD and alcoholism so they were numb/protected from their trauma for the most part), and anger and grief that it caused me so much pain for so long. 

I don't know that we can entirely reconcile this kind of thing but like you at least it doesn't overwhelm me like it used to and maybe that's the best we can hope for   

[Hope67]

  to you Kizzie, I only just saw your reply here, and thank you.
Hope 

[Hope67]

24th October 2020
I am thankful to Bach for writing about Anger, as I was able to re-read what I'd written here in 2019.  Interesting to see how I wrote about it then.
Hope