The last death blows

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Rovivrus

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The last death blows
« on: February 11, 2019, 12:55:38 PM »
I wanted to write this, but I had to write it fast
Yesterday morning I managed all the hardness I had to go through, but the evening was so far more I could ever have imagined. It happens in the shelter where I slept. I do not have any sort of permanent or proper temporary accommodation and cannot have it at the moment (witch doesn't mean I don't have plans).

Two main things happen, one person asks me "wouldn't a backpacker hostel be more appropriate?" (with potentially a look I didn't like), and I say "yes but how can I pay?" (today, I so much wished I had say "why would it be more appropriate?", and be ready to go hard on any kind of discriminations or prejudice like a homeless doesn't look like I do or crap like that). He then asked me if I was getting benefits and I replied no, as I cannot at the moment.
One person tells me "you'd have to stay X years" before you can be offered accommodation (I've been aware of that for such a long time and neither I care, as being allowed to live and enjoy live is far more important no matter the help available or the hardness one has to go through). I don't remember all the conversations but that night it was stressful.
I talk with one man that was helpful, but the man who asked me of the backpacking hostel what kind of paranoid regarding anything I did (and it continued like that on the morning, resulting in me trying to avoid him as much as possible).
The woman that told me "you'd have to stay X years" tells me sorry in the morning.

That evening another person, in the kitchen, rely at me in such a rude manner. Us homeless here gets basically dessert every evening. That night there wasn't any, but there are usually some biscuits that someone put on the table at some point. I ask "is there any dessert or biscuits?", and when I get a weird reply and bad look, I jokingly said "you spoiled us that's I ask", and she says "yes but is greedy". I was just asking, if they didn't have any it would not have been a problem by any means, but that reply, I didn't like it at all.


They remember me of last time my parents weren't together anymore, each one would say why don't you go stay with X, and I'd feel abandoned. Since I was a childhood my dad informed me I was born by mistake. He also believe to be a "god" and that what he said had to be listened like it was bible, he used to say.
My mother would always invade my privacy and the last days, she used to kick the door of my room to open it, if I was trying to escape her. At the same time, I was informed I could go elsewhere quite often from when I was a teenager at the very least.

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Today is a new day, but it's not that good either. In the library I often have to manage flashbacks (from stuff accumulated in the previous days or in the current day). I generally try to stay in the toilet, tactic that it does work great but also not so well.
The library is generally quiet and I go in a toilet that is not much used. However, I feel I need new flashbacks management tactics and strategies and as a homeless without any kind of private space, it will not be easy by any means, but very very hard.
The people who were using the nearby toilets where making me flashing back to when my privacy was invaded constantly in my FOO (even if no one tried to open or knocked at the door, basically it was very likely the nearby toilet were always available and it hasn't been too busy).

I managed somehow but I feel I need/want to find new methods to help with this.

I didn't have much time to write this, but I wanted to try to post it.
I hope to be able to post some ideas I've in my mind and to be able to support here as well, especially in this section.
I feel like I'm not good enough here or something, though it's not easy, that's it.


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Rainagain

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Re: The last death blows
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2019, 11:19:24 PM »
I'm so sad to hear that you are in this position Ro.

It would be great if there was some organisation that could help you to be safe.

I don't know where you are or what might be best to seek out, but I wouldn't cope as well as you are, you are strong.

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Rovivrus

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Re: The last death blows
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2019, 12:43:23 PM »
I don't have the strength to read that again, but I remember more or less what it was about.
Rainagain, your post invites me to write more.

Yesterday even it went worse. There is one organization I don't like, the Salvation Army, but I still get a small service once in a long while.
Yesterday I passed by and stopped for a quick coffee, many homeless eating and so on (they do this in the evening).

So I met one man I used to know and he says with a tone like he's complaining: "Where have you been?!"
I says, here.
"It is been one month I've not seen you"
(I'd have wanted to reply, if I'm here it doesn't mean I've to come to see you) - we aren't friends
I says, "I'm sleeping in X Y Z"
"Oh, but it'll shut on X Z"
(I'd have wanted to say that he if wanted to help me, he had to help unconditionally, and that what I lived was enough already to make me survive any difficulties if required).
I'm surprised and start an argue on the service that would be available. I think and still think he exaggerated.
There is actually a situation of danger, but still providing problems without solution is not a good way, and not with that tone.
Then he told me I had to look for a job like if he assumed in the meantime I wasted time.
Unfortunately, I was not able to stand up.

Rainagain, there isn't much available in my situation.
I firmly believe anyone MUST be free to live free from abusive FOO regardless what their government can offer or decide.
The crap they'll have to go through, it is always a secondary problem compared to FOO, and safety is the priority, always.

I'm very glad to see your reply. Thank you for what you said and the support you provide.  :)

Also, I don't know you yet, but I somehow believe you have copied well if you are here.  :hug:
And I wouldn't blame anyone if they think they haven't , also, if not their FOO  :pissed:.

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Rainagain

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Re: The last death blows
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2019, 12:35:15 AM »
The person you mention might only have been trying to be helpful I guess.

I know I will say stupid stuff just because I'm sort of thinking aloud sometimes.

I used to deflect stuff like that with humour, cant manage that like I used to.

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Rovivrus

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Re: The last death blows
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2019, 11:28:09 AM »
The person you mention might only have been trying to be helpful I guess.

I know I will say stupid stuff just because I'm sort of thinking aloud sometimes.

I used to deflect stuff like that with humour, cant manage that like I used to.
I'm writing in a situation of distress, but I'll state these things I find important no matter how In going to write them.


I don't accept any help unless the person wish to help me unconditionally.
That means they like me for whatever I am, regardless of what I do.

It means that after all the trauma I lived, if someone is willing to help in real life they're welcome, but I don't make any exception or compromise regarding my life, at all.

Also, I decide what is best for my life and people are welcome to give advice, IF they're asked.

Let's say someone is hungry and I want to give him some bread. In scenario A I'll give him some bread because I want to see him eating. In scenario B I'll give him bread but only if such a person is willing to do X-Y or act like U-Z.

The time I'm allowing to be influenced by things I don't like to see happening to me, I decided them to be over. I'll always do my best to protect the I.C. and defend me from any scenario B.


If such a person dare to suppose something (anything) or considering me not doing well just because I've not been around his organization, than he's not that great.

I think Pete's toolbox on human rights can make what I'm expressing more strong.
Being a homeless doesn't mean I'm going to make my quality of life poor, just because I  seems desperate (on the stereotypical homeless theories).

Unfortunately, being invalidated with C-PTSD is a thing and excuse me if my blood boils, but it needs to.

I hope everyone can understand the right to protect ourselves here, and being accepted on a board doesn't mean I'm going to say yes to what I don't like.

C-PTSD is absolute, it doesn't come with any exceptions.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 11:44:21 AM by Rovivrus »

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Rovivrus

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Re: The last death blows
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2019, 11:38:20 AM »
The fact I feel sorry writing this shows how much C-PTSD is dangerous.