Very scared/been told some horrible things/FOO/CSA

caroline · February 13, 2019, 11:36:00 PM

I have found out terrible things, part of me thinks nononononono, but part of me thinks it makes more sense than anything i ever could have made up.

my mother and (in a very complicated way) half sister (but an adult at the time) sold me when i was little. My sister has told me that i was on the contraceptive pill from at least 9 years old. I didn't start my period till I was at least13, i remember it!

Can this be possible? How can i not remeber any of it, i am scared because i don't think my sister would make this up.

I know there was a lot of abuse and neglect, all through the family/friends of family, but to here it said like it was like, organised, * *.

C

Three Roses · February 14, 2019, 01:28:19 AM

How distressing to be told this, at this time. My heart goes out to you.

It is possible it happened, and that your mind has blocked it out for your sanity/survival. If you have no memory of it, please let me advise you to not push yourself to remember. That should only be done within a therapeutic environment, and with a trusted, skilled therapist who is familiar with treating trauma.

Something similar also happened to me, only it was a male sibling. I blocked the traumatic memory of it for decades, so I know these things are possible.

Please know, I care about this, and you, and hope you can update us on developments.

Not Alone · February 14, 2019, 05:54:40 PM

What an enormous blow. Definitely possible that the abuse happened and you blocked it out. I agree with Three Roses to work through this with a skilled therapist. Are you currently in therapy? So sorry that you are in this storm. You are not alone.

caroline · February 21, 2019, 12:18:55 AM

thank you both. I have been asleep or dazed since i heard this. I am now off work for a couple of weeks cos i am struggling to just get up. The worst bit seems to be that i remember then forget again. Then remember again.

I am struggling. I am going to call the therapist i was seeing. Can't believe the sessions ended just a couple of weeks before i heard this.

I am meeting my sister next week to have a talk. Don't know how i am gonna cope but i have so many questions.

C x

Blueberry · February 21, 2019, 06:40:19 AM

Quote from: caroline on February 21, 2019, 12:18:55 AM
The worst bit seems to be that i remember then forget again. Then remember again.

Hearing devastating news of the magnitude you heard could well lead to your brain remembering, then forgetting, then remembering again. I imagine that your brain keeps forgetting in order to protect you. ime it was not so much forgetting as pushing away into the unconscious, which is why you then remember again.

I can really understand that you would be struggling here. As I said: devastating news. I hope the T you were seeing can support you.

Is there any kind of support person who can go with you for when you talk to your sister? Even just a really good friend? Or can you think in advance about what arrangement would best help you after the talk? Would you need to be alone in your house? Or with a really good friend? Or....? And then arrange that in advance so that you only have to 'fall into' that after the talk with your sister since that could bring up more devastating details or earth-shattering emotions.

Self-care is crucial. If you need a break when talking to your sister or even need to postpone the rest of the talk, you're perfectly at liberty to choose that. Too much information, too many buried memories resurfacing can retraumatise us.

All the best for your talk. We are here for you.

BeeBeen · February 21, 2019, 02:29:12 PM

I am sorry you have suffered that much.

When we are young, and there is nobody whom we can trust enough or get help from, if a traumatic event occurs that it is too much to bear our mind may black out in order to protect ourselves and keep going with life.

Three Roses · February 21, 2019, 03:28:30 PM

We are in your corner. Please reach out to us after you have spoken to her, and I'm really hoping your therapist is available for your support.

caroline · February 22, 2019, 12:37:00 AM

Thank you all so much. l have phoned and left a message for my old therapist. I have a appointment with the mental health nurse based at my gp surgery for tomorrow. I don't know how to say the words for how I feel/am though. Maybe i will write it down and just hand it to her and run. I have gotten in touch with a friend who is free tomorrow afternoon and she is going to meet me after my appointment tomorrow.

I don't think my sister will talk if someone else is there. I can ask but I don't think she wants anyone else to hear anything.

I i just wrote the word tomorrow about 50 times..again, thank you for the support. I'm a bit usless at this forum stuff (forgetting to reply etc) but you are all so amazing with each other it made me feel i could say this here. Thamk you

Three Roses · February 22, 2019, 05:12:03 AM

You're not useless. Take your time, there is no pressure to post. You're dealing with such heavy issues right now, you are right to focus on yourself. We will support you to the best of our ability!

Blueberry · February 22, 2019, 01:05:31 PM

Quote from: Three Roses on February 22, 2019, 05:12:03 AM
You're not useless. Take your time, there is no pressure to post. You're dealing with such heavy issues right now, you are right to focus on yourself. We will support you to the best of our ability!

Kizzie · February 22, 2019, 06:46:59 PM

Sounds like you are putting in place some good self-care by contacting your old T, the MH nurse and a friend, and posting here Caroline - all good!

and

caroline · February 26, 2019, 10:33:22 PM

so an update of sorts.

I saw the MH nurse, while she was kind, she couldn't really help me. She said to make another appointment with her but could only really offer support by printing out grounding techniques/helplines etc. I have them all already. Plus, i just felt like she didn't really know what to say to me.

My friend was amazing and supportive (she already knew alot of stuff before this) She helped me feel less disgusting and ashamed.

My old therapist is on holiday atm but she has a email to say i called and could she make time for a call when she is back.

I am trying to just keep going. still got some time on my sick leave but dont know what to do with it. I've been sleeping a lot, using my PRN meds to keep me calm too much. Nightmares have gone crazy even though i am still taking the prazosin. Dreams i haven't had for a very long time, so long i forgot about them until it happened again.

I think i know more what they are about now, which is worse that i had imagined when i last had those dreams. I don't know who to tell about it though cos there is so much shame and hurt involved.

I did manage a bike ride the other day and it felt good being out in the sun. I have an adult ed class tomorrow that i HAVE TO GO TO, or I might get kicked out for not showing up enough.

There are so many questions and it makes my head hurt to have them all pinging about.

Thank you all x

Three Roses · February 26, 2019, 11:25:32 PM

So sorry you're going thru this. Things that happened to us as children were not our fault, so the shame and disgust belong to someone else - not you. You were an innocent whose trust was horribly betrayed.

There are many of us here who can relate to how you are feeling. I hope you can keep us updated, if you're comfortable doing that. We - I - care about you and what you've been put through.

Kizzie · February 28, 2019, 05:38:34 PM

QuoteI saw the MH nurse, while she was kind, she couldn't really help me. She said to make another appointment with her but could only really offer support by printing out grounding techniques/helplines etc. I have them all already. Plus, i just felt like she didn't really know what to say to me.

Sorry to hear she did not have much to offer. Sadly some MH/medical professionals don't know much about Complex PTSD yet. If you do go back and want to take some info there are various downloads avail here, and research articles here.

Also, I don't know about your particular instructor but most Adult Educators are humanists and very learner-centred. What that means is if you were to risk sharing that you are having some difficulties right now they may make adjustments/allowances and that would reduce the pressure somewhat.

I do hope your ex-T has time to see you once she's back. In the meantime, posting here can help make sense of some of the memories/feelings that are bubbling to the surface.

caroline · March 06, 2019, 10:43:32 PM

Thank you. The inner critic is very loud just now but at least now i know what it is and that i don't have to beleive everything i think.

The MH nurse seemed more like she was trying to get me to think that there was some mistake, my sister got it wrong, i didn't understand, obvioulsy under a lot of stress etc. like she didn't think it was possible. I have "PTSD-complex trauma" as a diagnosis but not sure she even looked or if i even mentioned it.

I see my old therapist tomorrow, but it's a one off until i get back on the waiting list to have another 'round' of therapy. I already had more sessions than the NHS says i am allowed in one go. I just want her to give me a hug. sounds pretty pathetic to even say it. But somehow i would never even think that if someone else said it to me.

xx