Was it sexual abuse? Tw!!

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LittleBirdy

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Was it sexual abuse? Tw!!
« on: February 14, 2019, 05:34:58 AM »
*****Tw!! Iím going to go into detail about sexual/emotional abuse in this post!!****


With my ex, he never did anything explicit like pinning me down and forcing me to do anything. He would pressure me in a sense, by rewarding me with love and attention if I did what he wanted, and being cold and insulting if I didnít. So he claimed to be great with constent and taking no for an answer but he really wasnít. He made me believe there was something physically wrong with me because sex always hurt, but now I know I just never truly wanted to because with my new partner I have no problems.

I just donít like to think I was ever sexually abused but my mind keeps coming back to it. Iím having trouble finding anything about it online, they all say stuff about incest or rape which is not what this is. Because technically I did consent even though I truly didnít want to. Like, in the end of our relationship, the only time he was nice to me and made me feel valued was when he was between me legs. He would also constantly belittle me for not wanting to do oral  but I would try to make him happy but he would only insult me the whole time so it made it even worst.

Now with my new partner I donít want to do it at all and heís ok with that. Doesnít even bring it up at all, just says if I ever change my mind we can try it but if not thatís perfectly fine. Just the thought of it repulses me now, I just get flashbacks to my ex pressuring me. Also, anything that we just for my pleasure and that he got nothing out of he treated as boring and annoying. Was that sexual abuse, or emotional abuse that carried over into the bedroom, or both??  :stars:
« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 04:46:20 PM by Blueberry »

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BeHea1thy

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Re: Was it sexual abuse? Tw!!
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2019, 02:26:03 PM »
Hi LittleBirdy,

IMO the best understanding of labels is identifying exactly how much meaning they have on a personal level. Will anyone else's answer or opinion of your situation or life experiences give you new insight or feel differently? Maybe, maybe not. From what you describe there are clear differences between your past and present partners, the way they've treated you and the way you feel about it.

It may be more valuable to consider thinking about relationship dynamics as a whole constellation of behaviors, with intimacy being one part. Then to look at what you value most. Often we don't "get" a relationship until we're out of it or have some distance from it. The fact that you're thinking about it, asking questions and trying to process it means that you're ready to learn and want to keep yourself safe.

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Blueberry

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Re: Was it sexual abuse? Tw!!
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2019, 05:12:44 PM »
I know for Childhood SA (CSA), sexual abuse does not even have to involve touching. It can be a look, it can be inappropriate words directed to the child, or inappropriate material shown to the child.

I imagine for Adult SA there are types of behaviour during sexual relations that are abusive. Since they're taking place during sexual relations, I would call that a type of sexual abuse. Maybe sexual-emotional abuse. I've been told before that if CSA takes place, emotional abuse is automatically part of it. This is probably the case in Adult SA too.

It sounds as if you feel you were coerced into agreeing to things you didn't want to.

You don't have to label your experiences as anything particular until you feel ready to do so. When I have realisations about my past, which often is like giving a label (e.g. that really was emotional abuse my F was doing in that situation), that often bowls me over, sets me back, sends me spinning into an EF. So I'd say that you not wanting to see yourself as having been sexually abused may be a clever internal protective measure. It's good to allow yourself this protective measure as long as you need it. When you no longer need it, things may come clearer one way or the other.