Husband has told me heís jealous of me

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Eyessoblue

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Husband has told me heís jealous of me
« on: February 14, 2019, 10:12:59 AM »
Not sure Iím posting in right place, but anyway, been going through lots of relationship issues and it all came to a head at the weekend when my husband admitted to me he was very jealous of me, my personality, the way I connect with people, my success in life, the relationship with our children etc.... the list goes on. My anxiety is through the roof as I just donít know where to go from here, how can I stay married to someone that is so resentful of me? I caught him telling a lot of lies about me to a friend and when I confronted him he said he canít help it just feels thatís what he has to do! Iím at a loss here, completely confused, angry not sure what to say or do next really. This has been going on for about 20 years but he finally admitted it after all this time. Any advice gratefully received.

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SharpAndBlunt

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Re: Husband has told me heís jealous of me
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2019, 01:09:19 PM »
Hi Eyessoblue,

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this.

My first thought was that jealousy is not nice but may be understandable to an extent and I guess it is quite a human emotion.

My reaction to the telling lies about you was completely different however. If someone does this to me I find it almost impossible to forgive them. I would have to be very sure of their motives for doing so and it depends what the lies are.

My advice would be to start with the jealousy and ask him if he feels this jealousy is rational. It might be that he hates his own jealousy and you might be able to work through that.

But the lying, you might have to ask directly why he feels he has to do that and it may be hard to remain calm in that conversation. I shouldn't hazard a guess why he might be doing that or what he is saying so I don't want to say any more. But it must be very difficult.

Maybe by talking you can get some insight in to why he is doing this. I hope you can. All the best.

SaB

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Three Roses

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Re: Husband has told me heís jealous of me
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2019, 01:53:18 PM »
It just makes me wonder, is he a narcissist? The lying, the jealousy, not feeling like he has enough of the spotlight, and the fact he says he feels justified in his feelings about you and that he seems to feel it's okay for him to put you in a difficult situation by lying...that all adds up to narcissism in my book. Do you think that's a fair assessment? Any input/advice/insight would change if he is or is not a narc....  :Idunno:

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Blueberry

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Re: Husband has told me heís jealous of me
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2019, 02:39:57 PM »
Oh no! I'm sorry you're going through this Eyessoblue. I'm sure you've got quite enough on your plate without this.

My first thoughts were: 'well at least he's being honest about the jealousy' and otherwise similar to SaB:
My advice would be to start with the jealousy and ask him if he feels this jealousy is rational. It might be that he hates his own jealousy and you might be able to work through that.

But the lying, you might have to ask directly why he feels he has to do that and it may be hard to remain calm in that conversation. ...it must be very difficult.

but the more I think about it, the more it seems strange to me and the more I wonder about narc :Idunno: So then I agree with 3Roses on input/advice/insight would change depending on whether he's a narc or not.

Narc Woman, who I posted about in January, "couldn't help" her actions towards me either. There was always some excuse. I can't imagine how your H "couldn't help" lying about you. I can't remember if you have a T atm? Probably not. If you do, it could be an idea to discuss there. Or how do you think H would react if you suggested couple's counselling? Would he start gaslighting you?

You could also read over at OutOfTheFog e.g. here https://outofthefog.website/traits/ and see if any of it sounds familiar to you.

We're here for you! :hug:

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Eyessoblue

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Re: Husband has told me heís jealous of me
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2019, 08:14:16 PM »
Oh wow thank you all, yes youíre all correct. I too believe heís a Narcissist, I have often thought this, and my Therapist had a talk with me a little while ago telling me thatís what I was married to. Maybe Iíve tried not to accept this but it all points to it loud and clear that he is.
Iím feeling really trapped now as today heís carrying on as if nothing has happened and I feel like heís playing mind games with me. Today Iíve just had to increase my anxiety medication as Iím struggling to make sense of it all. I want to sit down and have some kind of conversation about it but feel too anxious to do so at the moment. Thank you all for your input.

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Rainagain

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Re: Husband has told me heís jealous of me
« Reply #5 on: February 14, 2019, 08:51:16 PM »
For what it's worth it sounds like vanishingly low self esteem.

Hence the jealousy.

I know people like this, not sure if its Narc behaviour, I find the terms confusing.

See if anything below seems familiar.

Symptoms I've seen are self aggrandisement, neediness, over working in a social sense (trying too hard), becoming hurt when others don't reciprocate (like there was an unwritten agreement which has been broken somehow). And putting dark motives to things which may not be appropriate.

I know someone like this very well, they seem friendly but there is an undercurrent of resentment or jealousy or something, like they are comparing themselves to others all the time and are upset by their findings.

Another thing is casually hurtful put downs, like they are so fixed on their own lack that the feelings of others slip off the radar.

I wonder sometimes if the reason I'm acceptable is that I'm clearly broken so not a threat to their confidence somehow.

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Blueberry

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Re: Husband has told me heís jealous of me
« Reply #6 on: February 14, 2019, 10:11:59 PM »
Would writing a Recovery Letter on here to your H be helpful? That way you could write everything you want to and get some of your feelings out and heard and validated, even if just by us. That often helps me clear my own mind a bit and progress in my own feelings. Even if the other person doesn't progress much, which my FOO members certainly don't.

Standing with you  :hug: