Overload

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Snookiebookie

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Overload
« on: February 21, 2019, 06:22:47 PM »
Just need to say this somewhere.

It's been a challenging week.  I've had a couple of meetings, which mean I've had to squash in the same amount of work in the less hours. And actually I've seemed to have slightly more work than usual this week.

I've done extra hours to try and avoid my work mounting up, as that would trigger me. But I think I've actually triggered myself by doing too much. Also I've felt frustrated that I still don't seem to have kept on top of my work despite all of the extra effort. So my perfectionism had run riot. And for the first time in ages the self criticism had gotten out of hand. It never goes away, but currently the inner critic is relentless and cruel.

I've felt threatened by a work colleague. I was employed to take on a certain task from him, so he can focus on his 'proper' job, but he clearly doesn't want to completely let go. He keeps trying to stay involved.  He's spoken to his boss about the both of us drafting a document with information of how we do my job. So he 'doesn't forget' how to do it.

Then a few of us were trained by an external person.  So my social anxiety was triggered, but I held my own at the time. Another colleague mentioned that she wanted to learn my job (and has said this before). So now I feel threatened by two people.  Although I know that this may come to nothing.

Then I was talking to a colleague about children. I explained how this school holiday was the first that we hadn't had upheaval at home. This lead me to explain, slowly, about the issues between my mum, me and my daughter.

My mum left my domestically violent father when I was 16. And whilst we still had a relationship up until her death (when I was 45), she clearly put herself first.

She never made time for me. She never sought me out. If I didn't visit her, she wouldn't visit me. She could be very critical of me, especially of my appearance and clothes. She seemed more interested in what others thought, in getting approval. If I did something different, or something that she didn't approval she would be scathing.

When my daughter was born, I was surprised how often I saw her.  Eventually, and slowly I was convinced to allow my daughter to spend more and more time with her and her partner. My husband wasn't very supportive, so at first I saw it as a chance to have a rest. This continued until she was staying with them from Friday tea time till Sunday tea. If I objected I got shouted at.... And that's when I became the scapegoat.

After a while I was cast a nasty tempered mother. She'd openly criticise me in front of anyone. I got to the point where I daren't speak.

My mother would do anything to ensure my daughter loved her more than me.

When I was speaking to my colleague, she was shocked at the brief information I gave and impressed at how well I've done.  But it's brought it all back.  I have processed it all in therapy, but I'm struggling with understand why she would be like that with me.

In the two years since my mum has gone I've worked very hard to unpick what she did. I've slowly had to change my family's opinions of me.

Today has reminded me how dysfunctional my life has been, and how dysfunctional or "unnormal" I am. I avoid and keep people at a distance. Partly due to fear of being hurt again, partly because I just don't know how to function "normally".

And this brings me to final trigger. I'm coming to the end of therapy. My therapist has had to support me less and less. Mostly I'm moaning about "day to day life problems".  She's said that I'm using her as a comfort blanket.

I'm clearly feeling dysregulated at the moment. I'm waiting for this to pass.

Thanks for reading.

SB x

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Kizzie

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Re: Overload
« Reply #1 on: February 21, 2019, 06:57:48 PM »
So sorry to hear you're having a tough time right now Snookie. Glad you are posting about it as it can help to give your feelings some 'sunshine therapy' and let others support you.   :grouphug:

Such a betrayal by your M, it is something I understand all too well as my M had NPD albeit more covert than yours from the sounds of it.  One thing that has helped me enormously is to think of her betrayal as a symptom of her NPD.  Lack of empathy, smear campaigns, gas lighting are all part of the behaviour that results from having NPD, not because you or I or any child who has a parent with NPD deserved to be treated as we were.

Perhaps those old feelings of "it must be me, something I did/did not do" are coming to the surface because you have had some threats from co-workers and your T. That's when mine seems to bubble up.  At least now I know that's the case, before I would have anxiety or an EF and not understand why.

Perhaps it would be an idea to also talk with your T about all this, including how you feel about ending therapy?  It may be that a comfort blanket IS what you need  :Idunno:

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Snookiebookie

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Re: Overload
« Reply #2 on: February 21, 2019, 07:32:27 PM »
Thank you Kizzie.

Your words mean so much.

I've struggled to label my mum as NPD.  When I read the symptoms/characteristics I never see anything that matches my mum. But your comments have helped.  It may help me reframe my thoughts about "why" this has happened.

I think my therapy is pretty much at an end. But I will discuss this week with her.  Being triggered like this is the only thing that I would need her for.   I have been doing well as I'm only seeing her once a month and was looking to see her once every two months as I tail off.

Thank you once again.

SB x

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Kizzie

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Re: Overload
« Reply #3 on: February 21, 2019, 07:39:56 PM »
 :hug: