Grandma In The Hospital, I'm No Contact

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plantsandworms

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Grandma In The Hospital, I'm No Contact
« on: February 14, 2019, 03:11:55 PM »
Found out through a random FB message that my grandma is in intensive care. She had a stroke but it looks so far that she will be able to recover. I find myself feeling so grateful that she's still alive, but also in pieces because she might as well have died because these are the inevitabilities of my no-contact choices and there's nothing left in the future for us. I will never get to talk to her again or care for her or visit her at home or in the hospital or ask her questions or hear that she loves me. All that's left for us is for her to die and for me to hurt from it. Being No Contact, every family emergency that makes its way to me through the grapevine is another dagger in my chest and another choice I have to make to stay away. I'm on the other side of a barrier that only lets the pain pass through.

A year and a half ago, I lost my grandma on my dad's side. I got one phone call that she was sick and then a text that she was dead and that was it. She had no obituary, no funeral, no memorial post on social media, nothing. And here on the other side of the barrier it's almost like it never happened. How is a phone call and a text supposed to feel real? And now with my other grandma's failing health, I have to wonder - what closure is available to me? How am I ever supposed to find peace with these things, here by myself with barely any information and nobody to process with who knew and loved my grandmas too? I'm really really struggling to cope.

I'm also very fearful that if my grandma who is in the hospital dies, this will trigger my mom to make aggressive contacts with me as she has in the past after significant events. I can't handle being stalked and harrassed again right now, I feel so fragile.
« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 03:56:57 PM by plantsandworms »

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notalone

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Re: Grandma In The Hospital, I'm No Contact
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2019, 05:45:54 PM »
So much pain. Sending you a safe hug.

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Grandma In The Hospital, I'm No Contact
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2019, 08:51:09 PM »
Hi plants and worms
I hear you i really do ...its one of my dreads my grandma passing and me feeling alone with it and any fall out for my m...
Its painful there is no doubt about it , how could it not be ...
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'Another choice I have to make to stay away'
Yes the biggest act of self care we will ever make in our lives. For me it always comes down to recognising, acknowledging the feelings that come with it. Its easy to interpret those feelings as 'I'm the bad evil.one, the black sheep' and then i need to really pull it out the bag and remember why i do what i do, how i am getting healthy and recovering and how far I've come. Im my own best friend ..

'what closure is available to me
How am I ever supposed to find peace with these things, here by myself'..

These times of major event in families is when healthy loving families pull together tighter and support each other. We don't have that...
The things that come to mind that could be helpful worms are as follows:
Self care activity each day
Daily meditation
Writing in a journal of all the ways you have grown and taken care of yourself over time
Seek support from others around you even if it's a group of some sort
Be really kind and gentle with yourself and be your own best friend . find some self compassionate tools to use
Do some ceremony that honours the good times you had with grandma

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Three Roses

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Re: Grandma In The Hospital, I'm No Contact
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2019, 02:30:29 PM »
Quote
Seek support from others around you even if it's a group of some sort
Be really kind and gentle with yourself and be your own best friend . find some self compassionate tools to use
Do some ceremony that honours the good times you had with grandma

Sending you empathy and support.. And a safe hug if it's alright. Wish it could be tangible support but please know that it's real.  :hug:

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Kizzie

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Re: Grandma In The Hospital, I'm No Contact
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2019, 05:58:33 PM »
Very sorry to hear about your Grandmother P&W, this kind of situation is difficult at the best of times, but much more for those of us who have gone NC with family. It's trauma dilemma with no good solution unfortunately. 

I hope having some support & understanding from members here will help if even just a little.

 :grouphug: