Crisis mode - turned into a win

[RiverRabbit]

So I made my wife angry the other day.

I had been talking with a friend who was visiting and the topic of rough family members came up, so, of course, I get the floor with my extreme examples from childhood.  but, my wife is sick of this coming up... she feels the current family (the nice one) is suffering from the past abuses of the bad family every time these things are described.

In telling me she was putting her foot down, and letting me know, this time she is deadly serious... she displayed enough negativity that I started going into shutdown mode.

The worst abusers from my childhood were women (both physically and emotionally)... the men were basically drunk and zoned out of life.  The women were running the show... an doing so quite aggressively.

So, when my wife gets angry (which is rare), I don't take it well.  I tend to shrink inside and kind of hide out.  This is really not good, because I miss the opportunity to really listen to what she is saying, and some time, months later, I do something similar to make her angry again.  But, the next time she is more angry due to the fact that she already talked to me about it... and I don't recall it at all.

But, I turned this one around...

I felt myself shrinking back to my hiding place (mentally).  I told myself, "You are having a flashback... breath... stay present... listen..."

I wasn't saying much... could not think of what to say, but I was listening for a change.  She was convinced she was making no progress and did not back off.  We went to bed, and I could feel her tension... but I just did not have the words, besides, "I'm sorry."

The next day... out of the fog... I was able to tell her I was having a flashback when she was angry with me the night before.  But, I was able to stay present and really hear her.  I was struggling, so I really could not talk, but I felt like I won this internal battle... for once.

I told her I was sorry I had done the same thing again, but when I have these flashbacks I lose memory of important points surrounding the current event.

She seemed to take this in and told me I did seem different this time, and she was trying to figure out what I was thinking, and if I was getting it as she was fussing at me.  She appreciated that I told her what was going on in my head, even if it was the next day.

[Three Roses]

 

Good job, you! Turning things around! Definitely not easy. Well done!

[Kizzie]

Great step forward in relationship building, something most of us struggle with and part of that is due to the fact that we don't always know what's happening to us in situations like the one you had.

Your experience is such a great example of how once we figure out what's going on with us and can articulate that to our partners and others, we can build relationships (with those who take the time & care to hear us),  rather than retreat from them.

Perhaps next you can reach a compromise about when to talk about your trauma and with whom? 

[Not Alone]

  Good for you that you were able to recognize that you were going into a flashback and then stay present enough to hear your wife. That is huge. I'm sure it was helpful for her, when you told her the next day, what was going on with you.

[Ecowarrior888]

That's amazing!!!!!its crazy to hear what you go through because there are times I swear I'm going crazy, the same thing happens to me with my husband. My abuser was my dad. So whenever my husband has a negative emotion I hide, sleep, dont eat or similar to you I have no recollection of the discussion.

Something my husband does is write things down. If its noticeable I'm triggered or having a flashback. He says I act different too. Here for you, I'm happy you had a win! Thank you for sharing

[RiverRabbit]

Thanks, everyone for the encouragement.

The breathing has been helping a lot.  The writing has been helping... I think... it is also exhausting.

Hopefully I will write something again this week.  If I am brave, I will post it, with the others, in this site's poetry section.

[Kizzie]