DID symptoms

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Cookido

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DID symptoms
« on: February 17, 2019, 01:46:19 PM »
TL:DR I feel as if I might experience symptoms of DID, but I am not sure if I'm just going crazy or being hypochondriacal. Second oppinion appriciated.

Writing this post is making me super anxious because I feel as if I'm being crazy mentioning this or discussing this. It felt like a reasonable thing to do a moment ago but now I feel as if I'm making myself too exposed to this forum.

I've noticed lately that I relate to some symptoms of DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, or multiple personalities. I know that some people on this forum have discussed DID, but I havn't fully understood it until now. I'm not sure what made me realise it, but somehow now it feels more obvious that I have several different personalities within me. I've always struggeled with identity, not knowing who I am, what I like to do, how I like to dress or present myself to others, etc.

Now I realise DID is a very complex diagnosis and changing how you dress from time to time doesn't really say anything.

This is really hard writing about because I am very confused by it as well. The main reason I suspect DID is because I can  differentiate between two main dominant personalities, which are very different from eachother. One is "emotionless", lacks empathy, prefers being alone, very rational and almost to the verge of being autistic when it comes to social interactions, negative emotinal state such as depressed, or realistic, having several leader characteristics. Sometimes "I" get annoyed by this personality because it's being so unsympathetic, sometimes I don't even agree with what it is saying, but still continue discussing as if "I" can't control it. This personality is an expert at destroying relationships, or rather protects from being hurt.

The other dominant personality is basically the opposite. Energetic, social, emphatic, lovable, experience more positive feelings and also have goals for the future. This personality has become a lot more dominant after starting the anti-depressants, but it has also helped distinguish the other parts, because even though I am on the medicin, I completely shift in character at times. Sometimes the shifts are longer and other times it can shift from minute to minute.

Maybe it's a normal thing that people feel this way? Maybe everyone has it?
I've seen other people who speaks about DID having different names for their parts. That's not something I've experienced, however I know that I feel as if I'm a different gender or age from time to time. For example, the first dominant personality is fully acceptant of being gender neutral, while the other dominant personality identifies with being a woman. I also have a part of me who is a lot younger, and is in need of comfort and humant contact, even being playful or speaks more childlike (which I find especially disturbing because it's so unlike me, however it keeps happening). This younger part only appears together with my partner, I think that's due to feeling completely comfortable with him. My partner hasn't openly spoken about it but I'm aware he notices it because when I "become my younger self", he usually mimics the way I act or speak, not in a mocking way, but more as if he is interracting with a child. Sometimes I feel as if he understands more about me than I am. I can also add that the first dominant part views the relationship with my partner as a friendship and wouldn't take initiative to ever hug him.

Even though it rarely happens I have had moments where I can't remember big chunks of time. Two years ago several weeks was lost from my memory, I still don't know what I did or what happened during that time. I also have very few memories from my childhood and teen-age years. The expression that my memory is an ocean filled with islands fits very well, because I lack a timeline for when my memories are from.

One silly thing I noticed that I do, which I havn't thought about before, is that I sometimes thank myself for doing certain things. I was walking home in the evening and thinking about how I have to do the dishes and clean when getting home, but when I got home I saw that they were already done. Not thinking too much about it I thanked myself for doing the dishes and cleaning up for me, so I didn't have to (confusing?). I didn't have any memory of doing them during the morning or making the appartment look neat, but obviously I did.

There are more things I could mention but I feel as if this is enough to kinda give a picture of what I am experiencing. It would be nice to get a second oppinion that isn't my own.

If anyone can relate or have an explanation that isn't DID, feel free to express it. Sometimes I feel as if I just want to find an answer to why I am like I am, and I'm afraid that looking for these answers might lead me into believing things that are completely wrong or ridiculus. I honestly feel as if I'm going crazy sometimes. What am I experiencing? Is it even real?

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LearnToLoveTheRide

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Re: DID symptoms
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2019, 03:10:05 PM »
Hi Cookido

The two main criteria for DID are: 1.) multiple, unique personalities which present themselves, and; 2.) Periods of amnesia. At least it was the last time I read through the literature.

We can't really diagnose you on the forum - for obvious reasons - but there is a forum that I've found very useful over that last 10 years: https://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/

Be well. LTLTR

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Cookido

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Re: DID symptoms
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2019, 03:35:05 PM »
Thank you LTLTR, I will check it out.

I just need to vent out some more things I just realised. DID could explain why I have such bad facial and name recognition. It has happened at several occasions that a stranger has asked me if we havn't met before when I'm greeting them for (what I think) the first time, and ofcourse I say no because I honestly don't remember them. I just thought I had a common face but maybe I have met these people before!? This is freaking me out a bit.

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Tee

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Re: DID symptoms
« Reply #3 on: June 01, 2019, 12:33:25 PM »
I have a fractured personality.  Instead of completely different persons living inside of me more come with DID.  I'm more like two sides of a coin.

Similar to you I had a cold unfeeling tell it like it is side. Which was my protector. And then I had what I now call my Pollyanna side.  The world was shine and roses and everything was always ok. 

I'm the dominate person that created Pollyanna when I was 6 to survive.  I left her to live my life and don't remember from 6 to 15 when she got into such a not ok situation I had to come back to protect and survive.

But there were not different names till I was in counseling and she gave me a nickname to help keep her notes straights.  It's still considered DID but it's not as extreme I guess and easier to reintegrate.

Hope my story helps.