I am sorry you have struggled so much with eating disorder. It's sounds really painful.
I have a therapist/psychiatrist that understand trauma very well, but I weight 183lbs while I should weight 172lbs (according to my GP), I am very ashamed of that. I feel disgustingly obese, like no one else in the World (I don't find people with obesity disgusting, just myself). I don't want to be thin (actually, I would like to be more musculate), just fat free.
I relate a lot to:
"Outwardly: dumbly, I shamble about, a thing that could never have been known as human, a
thing whose shape is so alien a travesty that humanity becomes more obscene for the vague resemblance."
I have no mouth and I must scream -Harlan Ellison-