It happened again.. *tw*

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Elphanigh

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It happened again.. *tw*
« on: February 26, 2019, 02:01:27 AM »
Okay reiterating the trigger warning on this just in case.


*trigger warning*


I am still traveling because of blizzard weather here, I havenít been able to make it home. I should be home tomorrow.  Because of that last night I went out with a person I met here just as friends. He was very kind and I thought well intentioned. I normally read people well and truly thought I was going into something safe.

However he wasnít and I am now trying to deal with the fact it happened again. I spent my entire childhood being sexually abused..and always believed it prepared me to protect myself but it didnít. I tried everything and did everything someone is supposed to in order to be safe.

I am not sure how I will be okay again.. or how I will go back to normal life. It feels impossible to be okay and to feel safe anymore.

I waited to post here until I wasnít in crisis anymore, and took time to travel to somewhere safe etc... but I am still struggling and just need to remember I have people that care and wonít be disappointed in me..

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Dee

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #1 on: February 26, 2019, 02:28:17 AM »

I was told that my radar is there, it was never actually gone, but I need to find it again.  When we are abused as kids it sets us up to be abused in the future.  "It happened again" is a title I could of written, not so long ago.  After that I spent two weeks with a journal logging when things didn't feel right.  When I felt like someone was lying, or wasn't being sincere, or was untrustworthy.  I called it my spidey senses and I journaled so I could be more in touch with them.  So I could be better at keeping myself safe.  Additionally, it is well documented that predators seem to have a sixth sense, to pick out those who have been victimized. 

When it happened to me again I considered myself a therapy failure and a disappointment.  That wasn't true.  I had to go back and look at all the things therapy has helped with.  I made a list, because I needed to remember what I have accomplished.  Unfortunately, it highlighted and area I needed to work on more.  I felt like I was helpless, I wasn't, I just had more work to do.

I sorry it happened to you again.  I hope that both of learn to keep ourselves safe so we can be sure it will never happen again.

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woodsgnome

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #2 on: February 26, 2019, 04:35:08 AM »
I'm very sorry to hear what happened. Like Dee, I hope you don't see this as a failure on your part.

Words aren't all you need right now, but behind what I've just expressed I too have lots of repetitive stuff that happened, that I thought I could chug into the never-again pile. Then something comes along that threatens that notion, and the self-doubt sets in again.

You've exhibited resilience all along this tough journey. My wish for you is that, despite this disappointment, you will still know yourself as the strong person you've shown all of us who've delighted in the uptick of your story, especially lately. That won't stop, but for right now you just need to know we fully support you.

         

 

« Last Edit: February 26, 2019, 04:40:33 AM by woodsgnome »

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the mirliton

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #3 on: February 26, 2019, 04:38:46 AM »
Dear Elphanigh,
You are a shining bright soul and I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you. When you are a caring, loving, respectful person it makes it extremely difficult to "see" someone who is not. My T shared with me, after she listened to me saying how dense I was to keep finding myself in unsafe relationships, that because my abuse began at a very young age by my parents the concept of boundaries was never introduced.
And speaking for myself, it has proven to be a difficult thing for me to learn and use (boundaries) in pretty much all of my relationships.
This (OOTS) is a good place for much needed understanding, support and  :grouphug:
 

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Blueberry

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #4 on: February 26, 2019, 11:06:15 AM »
Dear Elpha,

I'm sorry I'm numbed out but want to let you know I read and am sending healing OOTS energy to you.

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Elphanigh

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #5 on: February 26, 2019, 01:48:12 PM »
Thank you all for the support and reassurance. I don't have the words or energy to respond individually but know that I wish I did, and that I have read all of your kind words  :grouphug: :grouphug:

It means so much right now to know people are still in my corner.

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Kizzie

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #6 on: February 26, 2019, 05:19:00 PM »
We are definitely in your corner Elph, just as you have been for us  :grouphug:   I'm so sorry this happened to you.  FWIW I think It's important to see that it happened to you and not b/c of anything you did/did not do. Even with the best of radar in place, some people are really good at fooling others. The worst of these are predators and very skilled at knowing what to do/not do, say/not say to get people to lower their guard and then they prey on them. 

So please don't take responsibility for what happened, give it right back where it belongs. :hug:
« Last Edit: February 26, 2019, 05:21:32 PM by Kizzie »

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Three Roses

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #7 on: February 26, 2019, 05:23:43 PM »
So sorry this happened to you again! Reaching out in tender support to you, dear Elph.  :hug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2019, 08:59:13 PM »
Thank you both. I appreciate you always being here  :hug:

Kizzie, I am working hard to remember this isnít because of me or anything I did. Trying to remember I havenít failed or messed up.. there is s lot of layers to that and all of them will take time. Your insight and reminder of that was very needed.

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Kizzie

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2019, 10:30:51 PM »
 :thumbup:     :grouphug:

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Elphanigh

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2019, 11:37:04 PM »
I did see my T today, and if I am up for it I will see her again tomorrow. Just supposed to check in tomorrow afternoon and see where I am to decide if processing more will be helpful or harmful. It is going to be tricky to ride the too much sndnnot enough line with everything for now.

Thank you all for allowing me this space. Talking about it helps keep as much shame and self blame as I can away from it. It is still there and something I will continue to process but it could be much stronger than it is, this community really helps that.

I, as we noticed, am still pretty in hypoarousal stage. So still somewhat numb, on auto pilot, but no longer completely frozen. This feels like it will take forever but I know it will improve, as long as I keep trying..

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Kizzie

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #11 on: February 28, 2019, 05:40:55 PM »
Sending you some lovely sunshine to light your way and warm you as you work through this  :sunny:

:grouphug: 

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Elphanigh

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2019, 05:54:40 PM »
Thank you for being here  :hug: I wrote a lot about it in my journal today, professing is starting to happen.

Day four and I am beyond lucky to have all of the warmth and compassion that has come my way. I truly appreciate you being part of that, Kizzie.

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Hope67

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2019, 07:30:07 PM »
Dear Elpha,
I have only just seen this post, and I am so sorry to hear that it happened again, and I can't say much right now, except for extend a supportive hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

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Blueberry

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Re: It happened again.. *tw*
« Reply #14 on: February 28, 2019, 07:30:38 PM »
Elpha, I'm sending you more healing energy from here! :hug: (if too much, then you know it's just a symbol)