Glad I've found this place

Started by Anjulie, February 28, 2019, 08:04:10 AM

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Anjulie

Hi,
I've found this forum through the book "From Surviving tho Thriving" by Pete Walker. This book was such a relieve to me and made me see clearly what it is that I have to deal with every day.
I'm 43 years old and have been more or less in crisis since I was 17. There was a lot of therapy, sometimes hospital. My diagnoses varied between mixed personality disorder to ptsd. English is not my native language (I'm from Germany), and I hope I can expess things properly.
Due to my cptsd, I had to quit working and get a low pension. I live with my husband who is also affected by childhood trauma. This is sometimes heavy, but most of the time it helps us understand the other one and support one another to be my/himself.
Until recently I kept a once-a-week-job (cleanig another household), but I had to put so much effort into being capable to go (and there were almost always ef) that I quit two weeks ago. One part in me (inner critic as I know now) keeps telling me to be ashamed, but the other (my heart) tells me this was a true act of love towards myself.
So, at the moment I feel overall not so bad.
What I've read in this forum touched me, because you are so kind and supportive to each other. I'd like to be a part of this :-)

Anjulie

woodsgnome

Hi, Anjulie,  :wave:

Sometimes when all seems lost it's good to know that at least there are others who've experienced long-standing and bothersome traumas. Even some therapists are not as familiar with cptsd as one would hope.

Walker's book was/is a master guide to what it's all about, so it's good to know you've read it and that doing so pointed you in this direction. What's on this site and forum is a lot of info, and it sounds like you've already had a look around. Some post here, others not so much or just read, but whatever the case it can provide a good start on trying to get turned around.

I hope you find the material here informative, and that you feel free to post about things if you feel drawn to do so. By the way, your expression was well put, so don't worry about the language issue. Again, welcome.

Three Roses

Welcome! Your English is great, not too worry.  :yes:
So glad you found this forum - it's been a real lifeline for me at times and I hope you have the same feelings about it. Thanks for joining!
:heythere:

Anjulie

Hi woodsgnome,
thank you for your welcome :). In Germany, there doesn't seem to be any understanding or knowledge about cptsd. All there is, are very few ptsd-therapists which you have to pay yourself...(health service pays only psychoanalysis and behavioral therapy) and some hospitals specialized in trauma-treatment. This is sad. I hope that in the future, there will be more research and "spreading" of cptsd - not of cptsd of course, of the knowledge and treatment of it.
Yes, ist is very good to know that here are others with similar experiences.

hi Three Roses,
just thanks for your kind words  :)

Blueberry

Welcome to the forum, Anjulie :heythere:

I'm glad you found us and that you have Pete Walker's book too. When I finally started reading that, things started falling into place. I hope you find the forum helpful and supportive. It's been that way for me since day one!

Anjulie

Thank you, Blueberry,
its really the same to me with the book and I am so grateful for it.
Again, it is sad because it's not abailable in German, I would very much like to give it to a friend of mine. Ok, enough of complaining  ;)
I can just be happy for myself for the moment.
Anjulie

Anjulie

And thank you Tree Roses and woodsgnome for saying that my English is good. This is really helpful to me because I tend to worry about everything I say a lot, even afterwards it goes on and on inside me. So it's good to know that you understand what I'm saying so I can tell myself to relax a bit.

I know that from my previous experience with a ptsd forum... I worry too much about what I write, what others might write... But this time, I don't want that to keep me from being here.

Blueberry


Blueberry

Quote from: Anjulie on March 01, 2019, 08:28:15 AM
I tend to worry about everything I say a lot, even afterwards it goes on and on inside me. 

I do this too and English is my native language! In my case it has a lot to do with emotional/psychological trauma. It's not just the wording, it's "did I get absolutely everything in there so nobody can refute what I'm saying/prove me wrong?"

I hope you stay here on the forum, your English is plenty fine. When and if there's a little voice telling you it isn't, it could be your Inner Critic.

Not Alone

Anjulie,
Welcome to this site. As others have stated, you are communicating very well. I ordered Walker's book and it should be arriving tomorrow. Looking forward to reading it.

Glad you were able to see that the cleaning job was adding too much stress in your life. Good job making the decision for good self-care and ending the job.

Anjulie

Notalone,
thank you for your words on my job... It means a lot to me that you think it was a good thing to end it.   :)

About the English issue. I've been thinking about that.
1. I realized, as blueberry said, that it's the same over-and-over thinking in German (I know from having been in the German ptsd-forum). It's true, blueberry, I have a very strong inner critic...

2. And English is a hobby of mine, I really love the English language, for example listen to English Audio Books. It's been that way forever, since I learned English at school. I even write songs in English, as they are not easily understood around here  ;) But I never did it in real with real native speaking people. So there was fear to not be enough.

But I heard you all and it's sinking in... Thank you so much.

Anjulie

O dear, now that I reread what I said of my English knowledge... It really gives the impression that I was just fishing for compliments... I'm so sorry. That was not my intention.

Blueberry

I didn't get that impression at all, Anjulie! You're not the first non-native speaker on here to worry about their English. So I for one was telling you your English is fine in the hope that you don't leave the forum in fear that it's not.

Then there's the Inner Critic stuff which is familiar to so many of us on here and/or the fear of not being enough - both fairly common cptsd symptoms. Sounds as if you fit right in ;) Sorry you need us but glad you're here :hug:

Anjulie

Blueberry, at the moment I can hardly find words... I am touched. Your response is so unexpectedly kind... I've had a quite a big ef after my last post and the feelings attached.
Just :hug:

If I really fit in because of that... you could cry and laugh about that, couldn't you (sad but huge relief!). Those are the things that often threw me out of other groups... (or better I threw myself out...)
I really consider myself very lucky to have found you all.

Three Roses

QuoteSounds as if you fit right in ;) Sorry you need us but glad you're here :hug:

Yes, I'm glad you're here.  :hug: