[Regret]

The forum handle says it all, my current state of mind - regret.

Became fully aware of my life, what it or I was for close to 70 years, when convergent life events, which made me realize I first had PTSD and then discovered its precursor C-PTSD. Those realizations started an interesting period of dreaming backward, with very lucid dreams, over several months with the very last dream resulting in my personal apocalypse, the unknown was revealed, the cause of my life's problems became clear and my life began anew that day with all of the social skills and real life experiences of a 2 year old.

So, regret, actually regrets and there are a lot of them, has me in a state of mind that there is nothing that happens at any moment of every new day that does not bring back something from my past life that I now regret having done because the life I was living at that time was not my own thanks to C-PTSD given during my first 4 to 6 years of my life.

I fully understand what happened to me, and my sister, and blame no one but am looking for a way to get out from under the constant regret I have for not having been able to live my own life for over 6 decades, for all the hurt I caused others and the stupid things I had done.

I don't know if this site will help me, I hope it does, but it's a first step, a new step, and I'm not sure if anyone else has ever had a spontaneous reveal of all, woke up with a totally clear mind, the parental tapes erased and being able to for the first time live in the moment. I was given the chance to start with a clean slate. The PTSD is gone but the complex remains.

I am out of the storm, in a way, but being battered with a lifetime of regrets and knowing the cause. Mine is a long story, this is just an abstract, so I will leave the introduction here and hope I can find or learn things to help me get over my life filled with regret and that which is deep inside not letting me resolve their causes.

[Hope67]

Hi Regret,
Welcome to the forum, and I'm glad you have posted here.  I can relate to things you've said here, but for me, my experience has been partial 'realisations' and bits of clarity amongst the more fragmented and less clear memories etc.  But I am finding that I am gradually finding my way through.  I hope very much that you will find this place supportive - I know I have found it invaluable to my own understanding and the people here really understand, I think.
Welcome.
Hope 

[Three Roses]

Welcome to the forum, Regret!

I can relate to much of what you've said, having piles of my own regrets. But, we do what we do out of ignorance sometimes, and when we know better, we do better.

This site has helped me with much information, but more than that, with a community of people who understand the challenges of having to deal with trauma and its aftermath. They - we - understand and respond with grace, compassion and insight whenever someone needs it. I hope you have the same experience here. Thanks for joining!

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome welcome to OOTS Regrets     It can be difficult to deal with having a clear understanding of how much we have lost to Complex PTSD.  I still find myself angry and sad from time to time because it's a bitter pill to swallow. I will say however, that I am becoming more forgiving of myself for the things I did or did not do now that I know what is the root cause.  What felt stupid or regrettable has become more of a normal reaction to an abnormal situation (ongoing trauma).  As we're fond of saying around here, "It's not us, it's what happened to us."

I hope you will find some peace and space to forgive yourself by being here at OOTS.

[notalone]

You are carrying such a heavy burden. I am glad you found this site and that you posted.

[Regret]

Thank you all for the warm welcome.

I will begin posting in the proper board once I figure out the best place in my life to start, now, way back then or somewhere in between. Reading the other posts on OOTS, my continuous search for information on the internet and the changes in feelings that I experience daily, many times hourly, makes this burden a fluid situation for me and I want to take the time decide where to start. Each day I wake up to new feelings, be they good, bad or somewhere between the two, it's always different. With what I've learned recently, the trauma is forever and dealing with it takes time, most mornings become an adjustment period to get going. So, will post soon in another board.

Thanks again for the warm welcome, nice to know I am not alone in this horrendous disorder, but sad to know there are so many of us.

[Kizzie]

 

[Regret]

This site is filled with so much helpful information, both posts and links to resources, that I have been spending much of my time reading. Every time I tried to post something, I felt I was saying something already said, that I read and in reading it, validated my feelings of a part of my life.

I'm a big believer in the one door closes, another opens up life philosophy. I had 3 major "normal" life events knows for being stressful to anyone over the past 3 or 4 months. I think I came close to or actually had a bit of a breakdown. Searching this site for issues currently facing me greatly helped and confirmed that I am not alone in this horrendous disorder.

I looked for local counselors about a year or so ago and found that my area does not have any "professionals" with cPTSD knowledge. After reading a lot of posts similar to my current feelings, I got a new desire to search for help again but after a few hours realized that would not happen. It was then I got a link to Pete Walker and found his 4Fs (fight, flight, freeze and fawn) and found validation in thoughts I have had for decades, how I lived for decades, how my life was stolen from me when very young by emotional abuse/neglect.

I lived my entire life as a Fawn with a strong dose of Freeze, a hybrid typology. My sister, 4 years younger than me and in worse emotional condition that I am right now I think is a hybrid Freeze/Fawn, just the opposite, based on recent conversations I've had with her.

A Fawn, big time. I lived the life of those in my life - work, social or family. What a waste of a life. Never allowed to learn to be myself. And the tapes I carried in my head for 6 decades that keep parenting me, my mind was abusing me.

A year ago I learned the cause of my life's problems, all of them, I discovered cPTSD. Today, those thoughts I've had during my life of something being wrong, thoughts which I remember well since they were of some very bad times, were validated by Pete Walker's 4Fs paper which I found here, an absolute eye opener for me:

     http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

I have a lot of thinking to do, evaluating and will post some day in another topic the story of my stolen life and the events of the past year which helped me begin to get out from under my life long cloud. I have a story to tell, just don't know how to tell it at this point.

[Three Roses]

I'd like to encourage you to continue with a post, even if you think it's been said before. So very often we forget what we read, and seeing it again refreshes our memory or maybe even helps us see and apply it in a deeper way.

Also, writing it for yourself is a good way to keep track of your own progress, and can help process info and work things out in your mind. I don't want to overload you, but here's yet another link, about the difference between writing something vs typing it... https://www.pens.com/blog/the-benefits-of-handwriting-vs-typing/. I journal using both methods.
 

[Kizzie]

I'd like to encourage you to continue with a post, even if you think it's been said before.

   For the reasons TR noted - it helps both you and us. 

[Oscen]

Hi Regret,

Thank you for sharing your story. I agree with others who encourage you to post, even if you see similar posts. Your story is your story and is unique, even if there are recognisable patterns. Using your voice helps process the trauma.

I can completely relate to what you're saying about regrets. I am struggling with this almost daily at the moment. It's not memories of abuse that hurt, but memories of me not being the person I'd like to believe I am. I think the key to getting through it is self-compassion, but it's hard.

[Regret]

Thank you all.

I have started to post and have done so in this topic link below if you are interested. I have a lot of things to write about but I think the big one for me is love so started to write here:

https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=11683.msg85119#msg85119

[Invisibledaughter]

Hi Regret,
                You wrote “the life I was living at that time was not my own”, that is exactly how I feel when looking back on most of my life. I feel like I’m trying to figure out who I am before my coping mechanisms kicked in.
               Thank you for sharing, and please know that you are not alone. 💜