This site is filled with so much helpful information, both posts and links to resources, that I have been spending much of my time reading. Every time I tried to post something, I felt I was saying something already said, that I read and in reading it, validated my feelings of a part of my life.
I'm a big believer in the one door closes, another opens up life philosophy. I had 3 major "normal" life events knows for being stressful to anyone over the past 3 or 4 months. I think I came close to or actually had a bit of a breakdown. Searching this site for issues currently facing me greatly helped and confirmed that I am not alone in this horrendous disorder.
I looked for local counselors about a year or so ago and found that my area does not have any "professionals" with cPTSD knowledge. After reading a lot of posts similar to my current feelings, I got a new desire to search for help again but after a few hours realized that would not happen. It was then I got a link to Pete Walker and found his 4Fs (fight, flight, freeze and fawn) and found validation in thoughts I have had for decades, how I lived for decades, how my life was stolen from me when very young by emotional abuse/neglect.
I lived my entire life as a Fawn with a strong dose of Freeze, a hybrid typology. My sister, 4 years younger than me and in worse emotional condition that I am right now I think is a hybrid Freeze/Fawn, just the opposite, based on recent conversations I've had with her.
A Fawn, big time. I lived the life of those in my life - work, social or family. What a waste of a life. Never allowed to learn to be myself. And the tapes I carried in my head for 6 decades that keep parenting me, my mind was abusing me.
A year ago I learned the cause of my life's problems, all of them, I discovered cPTSD. Today, those thoughts I've had during my life of something being wrong, thoughts which I remember well since they were of some very bad times, were validated by Pete Walker's 4Fs paper which I found here, an absolute eye opener for me:
http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htmI have a lot of thinking to do, evaluating and will post some day in another topic the story of my stolen life and the events of the past year which helped me begin to get out from under my life long cloud. I have a story to tell, just don't know how to tell it at this point.