Tired, but want to do so much

[Horse78]

Hello all, this is my first post other than the introductory.

It's the weekend, and I'm a co parent. My kid goes to her mother's on Friday, and I'm exhausted from parenting, a job I don't like, and just general low mood, no motivation. I do well as a parent, but haven't been able to manage to properly decorate and organise my apartment  - it's ok, clean, has everything we need, and my kid's bedroom is nice, but every weekend I have to myself, I just feel depleted, and miss my child. I really want to convert my living room into an atelier and start making moves into a career as a painter- I don't lack confidence in my ability, but doing anything just seems pointless. And I'm constantly ill, despite training, eating well, ( I smoke about 4 cigs aday). I've written a list of what I need to do, but generally feel a bit hopeless and despairing right now.

I separated from the mother of my child 4 years back, and while I've processed that and don't seem to have a problem attracting a partner, I just feel kind of pointless. I moved to another country just before our child was born, and now I'm stuck here. I don't like it, even though I have made a life for myself here. It's in Scandinavia, it's dark and cold most of the time, and has a culture I don't really care for. I'm from an international background and miss meeting similar people. The music scene is pretty limited ( and music is oxygen to me, I play) and I have cut off my FOO, and that stings every xmas, wish I had the community that lots of others have. I have people who care about me, but I'm not really part of anything, so really want to get a new career underway as that will mean more travel, more money, more opportunity to meet my type of people, but most importantly - JOY.

It's like I'm building something from scratch, again, for the millionth time. One way of looking at it is that finally, I have a sense of entitlement to making a career out of my talent, at age 40, but I also yearn to part of  family again, as I'm a very good father and potential partner (even my ex says that - she has her own issues to deal with) - I just can't get it together when I'm this tired from my week of work and parenting - but really do need to lay the foundations for the next phase. I'm ready now, have dealt with my past, but always so constantly tired and joyless in my heart.

Just sad and giving up doing anything today. Tmmr a new day.

Best

H

[Three Roses]

I don't have any words of wisdom, no insights, but I want to let you know you've been heard. A kind of chronic exhaustion seems to be one of our most-mentioned shared symptoms here. I'm sorry you're having to struggle through this, but just know we'll be here to listen.

(Don't think I'd be able to live there, it's too dark.)

[Horse78]

Thanks Three Roses,

I've actually just cleaned the house and am a bit more constructive today. Just when the fatigue and ennui overwhelms, it just: overwhelms. Today is indeed a new day,

Best

Horse

[Not Alone]

You said you've written a list of what you need to do, and it seems that you have a lot on your "to-do" list. When I am feeling exhausted or overwhelmed, I break my goals down into very small parts; for example, "wash the kitchen sink." When I've done the task I cross it off my list. On really tough days the list might say, "take shower, get dressed. . ."  You have a lot going on. Be kind to yourself.

[Oscen]

Hi Horse, I'm hearing you. As 3R says, tiredness and fatigue unfortunately is all too common.

If it helps, it sounds like you're going through something that is quite natural to relocating to another country and culture.
The trauma on top will of course unfortunately make it tougher, but remember - you got this.

It sounds like the lack of belonging is what's eating at you most - can you use your music or another interest to connect with a community in some way?
I understand it's not completely simple, as local meet ups etc may be limited, you might just not click with the culture, etc, but it might help?
I hope I'm not being insensitive by making a suggestion - please ignore if not valid.

And it's true; you don't have to do anything right now, and you don't have to fix it all in one go. Step by step will get you there.
Even noting how you're feeling and sitting with it can bring healing and change.
Wishing you luck and energy!

[Horse78]

Thanks Notalone, thanks Oscen

Oscen - really good pointers, constructive and grounded - appreciated. I've made some progress so am going to post on a relevant topic thread, or here.