New, confused, and down - possibly triggering

[B1ackbird]

I am new to learning about C-PTSD. I haven't been formally diagnosed though information I have come across seems to fit, I think. I have a few things I'm trying to figure out and put a label on it. Are labels important? Maybe not. But maybe it gives some relief to give those feelings a name.

Another thing I've recently learned about is derealization. Again, not formally diagnosed. Not even entirely sure it's something I'm actually experiencing. I have had moments where things seem more enhanced around me. Like a dream, but not. I'm functioning, I'm talking, I'm there. But something just seems off. I can't pinpoint if maybe I'm just crazy or tired.

I know I need to see someone and discuss my issues, but I'm afraid. It's hard to talk about. It's hard to accept sometimes. Talking on a phone, let alone making an appointment gives me anxiety.

For the longest time I was unsure if I was actually abused. There was no education for me on that as a child or teenager. I feel like it's only been within the last few years that education and awareness for mental health issues and the things surrounding it are coming about. My best view of abuse was what you see in movies. The angry controlling narcissist trying to assert his power by beating you into submission. I didn't even realize emotional abuse was a thing.

My abuse started around 19 with my first boyfriend, who later became my husband. I endured abuse for 17+ years. It was mostly emotional, though physical abuse had slipped in on a small handful of intense occasions. The recent #metoo movement led me to realize a certain instance back when we were dating was sexual assault. Something else I brushed off as "nothing wrong" with it because he was my boyfriend and consent is a given.

I walk on eggshells. Even when things are on an upswing I brace myself for the other shoe to drop. Other people and events not relating to my husband don't tend to trigger me. At least, I think. The sound of his text tone makes me jump and brace myself. Lately after a recent triggering episode with my husband, I keep remembering past traumatizing moments of physical abuse. It's not flashbacks, just memories floating to the surface.

I deal with a few levels of anxiety. Social anxiety being a very real struggle. Leaves me to even think friends could actually care. I think I bring people down, like I do my husband who happens to be an empath. I deal with depression that has hit extremes like cutting in the past.

I feel like I have a unique situation with my husband. He deals with his own depression and I tend to absorb it as the personal punching bag. I feel like no one else cared enough like I do to have his back. This type of thing was also something that kept me thinking maybe I wasn't abused. He is not narcissistic and is a very caring person in general. I just seem to trigger that anger.

This is a bit of a ramble I realize. I am in a certain phase of trying to help myself. Fix myself. I know I need to speak to a therapist, as I said before. But finding this forum and trying to be a part of it is a step in my mind. I just opened up this morning to my close friend the recent realities of my situation. I have been told I need to leave. I can't heal if I'm still in it, even if it seems things got better. I am told I am loved and cared for so the help is there. But they won't help me stay in this situation and continue to put up with it.

I am torn, confused, hurting, scared. I'm not out for advice or a shoulder to lean on. I guess I'm just trying to to make the reality of my situation more real, by actually writing the words?

[Anjulie]

Welcome B1bird,
I'm also new here and it's already helped me a lot. I'm glad you are here.

[Dee]

Welcome!  I was in an abusive marriage for 20 years, that I failed to see was abusive.  When I grew up I had no modeling of what marriage is suppose to be and I thought it was normal.  I had asked for a separation or divorce many times, but first there were threats, then he refused to go.  For the life of me, I could not figure out how to get out of my marriage.

Finally, I crashed.  Not just from the abusive marriage but also from my childhood.  I ended up in therapy and I got the real support and validation I needed to get out of my marriage.  First, my therapist had to explain to me that it was abusive.  Even then it still took a year for me to realize just how abusive it was.  I believed that the only abuse was physical.  I have said that if he hit me, I would of known.

Telling someone does make the situation more real.  You certainly can start here.  Once you gain awareness it's hard to go back.  I hope you get the support you need to make the move to save you.

[Rainagain]

'I just seem to trigger that anger'.

Gave me a chill to read that, it's what abusive people do, they get you to blame yourself for their actions.

Be careful with accepting thoughts like that as accurate.

Wishing you well.

[SharpAndBlunt]

B1ckbird, I think you have been brave by taking steps to consider your life and situation. Welcome and I am sure you will find the board very welcoming and supportive.

[LilyITV]

B1ckbird,  I'm so glad you came here.  I know for me, I felt like I finally found a place where people truly understood how I feel and think  because they had been going through it too.   One of the characteristics of someone suffering from C-PTSD is feeling like you are different from other people.  Being here and finding out about C-PTSD made me feel "normal" in a way because it helped me to understand that trauma causes certain predictable responses in people.    It's so true that it's not critical that you get the C-PTSD label or formal diagnosis.  I've been going to therapy for months and my therapist hasn't shared with me any kind of diagnosis.   

This is such a big step that you are taking even coming here.  It is so hard to go through life in fear and dealing with it all on your own.  As human beings, we are social creatures and we need each other to be happy.  The cruel thing about C-PTSD is that we've been taught through trauma to fear and reject the very thing we need to be happy and free--relationships with other people. 

When you get ready to seek out therapy, you will see how much a good therapist can help point out your blind spots in your thinking.  For instance, you stated that "I feel like I have a unique situation with my husband."  C-PTSD has a way of making you feel that  you are different from other people and that you and you alone are the only person dealing with the issues that you are dealing with, which in turn might cause you to isolate yourself because you believe that no one else would ever understand what you're dealing with. 

C-PTSD also causes black or white thinking.  Your husband doesn't have to be 100% bad to be abusive.  Even the most cruel and heartless people who have ever walked the earth were not 100% bad.   The abuse I experienced was in childhood and it is still hard for me to call it abuse because I remember so many good things about my parents and know that they loved me and know that they did not mean to cause me harm. I'm realizing that I can still love my parents while still recognizing that what they did to me was abuse. 

Anyway, good luck and so glad to see you posting here. 

[Three Roses]

I'm glad you are here! This hit me right between the eyes:

He is not narcissistic and is a very caring person in general. I just seem to trigger that anger.

You are worth of being treated well by everyone, especially the person you've chosen to walk with thru this life. You needn't accept abuse, or the idea that you're the cause of it. I hope you find encouragement here at the forum.