Existence... pulled under

[RiverRabbit]

Everything is conspiring to keep me from writing about this…

…

Lately, I have wondered what I would be like if I could stop existing so much in the past.  I am always divided… two people.  I am moving through the world as my present self, but under constant attack by an inner child, so enraged and powerless, it overwhelms the sense of the world around me.

A large part of that child was left at the bottom of a lake… his urgent burning need for air… the terror of having to take that breath, and only pungent, silty water to answer the call.  Nothing else can exist in that moment.  A moment that will not pass… a moment from which I will not be released.  I am down there with him now, as I write this.  His inward facing rage pulls him under again, and again… and again...

I think of what I could accomplish, if I could just stay "in the now" without the effort of becoming present being so exhausting.  What must it be like to be normal?… always present?  Who would I be?

The chain of the anchor lead echoes a dull rattle-thud against the astro-turf-like carpet on the deck of the boat as the anchor plunges down… then… as the lead ends… silence.  There is a splash… bigger than an anchor… the child turns to look, but only bubbles.

Back to the present… the surface.  Why do I keep going back there… do I think I can save him this time?

… why do I keep coming back?

[Not Alone]

My heart goes out to "both" of you. To the adult, "What must it be like to be normal?... always present?  Who would I be?" I have asked those questions and felt like tantruming, "It's not fair!" I wish I could give the child clear fresh air and a feeling of safety. The child has every right to be enraged, afraid, and sad. The child deserves comfort and caring.

[Deep Blue]

River Rabbit this poem really resonates with me.  I fight the memories too.  I hate the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts.  It can make it feel like a losing battle.  Thanks for posting this and for putting words to this struggle for me. I'm jealous of the people that don't know this feeling 

[RiverRabbit]

Thanks for the responses... it was a bit truncated, I know... but I was having a hard time just sitting down to type it out.

It is one of many memories I keep getting dragged back in to... this one from when I was 5.

I was playing with an anchor on my uncle's new boat.  The anchor had not been tied in yet (only a lead chain... attached to nothing).  I was curious what the anchor would look like in the water and dropped it over the side.

My uncle must have seen this, and immediately dove in after it.  All I saw were bubbles in the water.  He did not come back up.  I thought he was joking around like he always did... so I laughed.

My other uncle and father dove in after him once they realized he was not coming back up... they had a very hard time finding him.

Ultimately, they blamed me for killing him... the whole family did... I blamed me.

The family was already unhealthy and abusive before this... I just gave them an attractive target to focus on.

[Not Alone]

Nothing wrong with a five-year-old being curious. What happened was not your fault. At all. Not your fault.

[Deep Blue]

Aw honey! It's not your fault! How can you blame a 5 year old?!?! They were wrong to blame you! Please try to shed the blame too

[Anjulie]

How can they put the blame on you!? at them

[Kizzie]

Beautifully written River Rabbit, your words really resonated with me.  In my case allowing younger me to express herself - the anger, sadness and grief was a big part of resurfacing.  The other part was inviting her to have fun, to express joy and curiosity and creativity to balance the pain. I don't know what would give those positive feelings to younger you, but it may be something to think about trying.