I stopped waiting for an apology

[CrashPhenomena]

I've waited two years for my father to tell me he's sorry for really messing me up. I'm turning 18 in a couple months and I don't know if I care anymore or not, but I feel like it's been programmed into my brain that I am suppose to love my parents. Cutting that tie has been impossible, so I guess I'm just in for a long ride.

[Blueberry]

I think it is programmed into our brains to love our closest family members. Going back thousands and thousands of years it has been necessary for food, for warmth, for shelter.

Cutting that tie is often very very difficult and can take years, decades even. For those who manage faster, well, that's great. You're starting out fairly young, unlike people who don't find out about cptsd till they're in their 60's, so there's a great deal of hope for you, I'd say!

[bluepalm]

Yes, I agree with Blueberry's  comment: "You're starting out fairly young, unlike people who don't find out about cptsd till they're in their 60's, so there's a great deal of hope for you, I'd say!"

I was in my mid thirties when, crouching on the far end of the analyst's couch, I told my psychoanalyst that I did not love my parents. It felt to me as if it was the most shameful thing I could say. This despite the fact that, as I can see clearly now, my parents had treated me with unrelenting hostility from the day I was born and left me with a lifetime of struggling every day to manage the consequences of trauma. I do believe, from this experience, that the urge to love one's parents is so very deep and necessary to our survival that it takes a massive amount to upend it. My mother lived to 96 and until the day she died I still, despite all evidence to the contrary, hoped that she would turn to me and smile with kindness and we would connect. In fact, the last time I saw her she refused to look at me or to even acknowledge I was in the room, despite my brother's trying to get her to do so. But somehow I'm glad that inside me I kept the wish, and the potential, to love my parents. It feels it was the right thing for my soul.

So, CrashPhenomena, I am impressed, and I think its hopeful for your future, that you already have the insight to understand the conflict you feel. 

[Three Roses]

So, CrashPhenomena, I am impressed, and I think its hopeful for your future, that you already have the insight to understand the conflict you feel.

[johnram]

I am very proud of you, for realising this now.  I wasted a lot of time on this. 

at 36, i am glad i now understand, those that caused the issues, will never understand what they have done, and also do not want to hear they have failed. 

its bloody hard, but its a good thing to move on, and you are just by recognising this

i wish you well

[johnram]

Sorry, to add - dont feel guilty about the loving parents part , its biological, it is innate

i do not love my parents, but deep down, in that younger child part of me, i am still bonded to them, and that part still relates to my parents as loving care givers (even though they werent - but a 2 year old doesnt know that)