new again

[@nonymous]

Hello all and thank you to the maintainers of this space. Throwing this into the ether...

My most striking symptom would have to be a strong feeling that I'm about to be physically attacked from behind when in the presence of unfamiliar people. Beyond a social or public setting, I am generally "paranoid" with respect to the intent of others - I have a knack to see ill intent in a benign remark, I am slow to enter and quick to exit any sort of relationship, I am sensitive to the sound of laughter, etc. These in turn can lead to isolation, self-loathing, and depression.

I'm a man, of middle-agedness, who has been receiving ongoing pharmaceudical treatment for "anxiety" for 20 years. The majority of this time I have been content to experience relief provided by the treatment but am now beginning to wonder if there isn't a more active role for me to play, if not for myself, then for my children.

Growing up, my father was verbally abusive and a daily marijuana user, I was molested at age 6, moved cross-country at age 7 where I was jumped by two kids on the first day of school and teased/excluded thereafter, moved cross-country again at age 10 and welcomed by the other kids with a punch in the head. I learned to bully others and entered a cycle of giving and receiving senseless random pain, developed a dependence on alcohol, and attempted suicide a couple times. This eventually prompted me to quit drinking and begin taking medication.

I assume I won't be able to educate myself out of this and the path to recovery is at once daunting and vague. That said, I have a hunch that it can't be found without at least acknowledging these things because it makes me uncomfortable to do so.

[woodsgnome]

Hi, @nonymous 

Yep. Seems like you've reached a boundary area, which some call the stretch or breaking point, or those uncharted waters beyond what's known as the comfort zone. Words like that are only pointers though -- the best part is your stepping forward, on your own, to come into this forum and look around.

While what drove you here can in no way be called 'good', it's still to your credit that you have reached out, at last. You might feel a little overwhelmed at first, but here's hoping you can find some new inspiration to lead you in the direction of a better vibe as you try to find your bearings again.

Welcome again.

[Not Alone]

"I assume I won't be able to educate myself out of this and the path to recovery is at once daunting and vague. That said, I have a hunch that it can't be found without at least acknowledging these things because it makes me uncomfortable to do so."

Welcome. Glad you took the risk to post. It is uncomfortable and downright scary to talk about this stuff. Being on this site is a step in the process of healing. I picture myself as on a journey where there is mud, rocks, mountains, cliffs, and often thick fog (vague). Sometimes I am stuck in the mud. Other times I see the one next step and take that. I would not be able to do this journey without a therapist, who is skilled in dealing with trauma, helping me. Everyone has there own path, however. Supporting you from afar on your journey.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! 

[Anjulie]

Welcome @nonymous 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS @nonymous    So glad you found your way here and took a risk to post.

Beyond a social or public setting, I am generally "paranoid" with respect to the intent of others - I have a knack to see ill intent in a benign remark, I am slow to enter and quick to exit any sort of relationship, I am sensitive to the sound of laughter, etc. These in turn can lead to isolation, self-loathing, and depression.

It may be difficult to face what brought you to feel this way, but as most of us here have found the pain, fear, anger and under that deep hurt stays with us unless we do something about it other than suppress it or just live with it as best we can.  As you do shine a light on those dark places, hopefully it will free up energy and space to live more fully as you wrote about.  This has been my experience and that of others here.

 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi @nonymous
I hear you and can relate to a lot of what you share ...i found this forum 4 years ago and it has helped and helps me tremendously by getting informed , sharing and hearing others , getting support and finding ways to heal inch by inch.  The resources here i have found really valuable both research papers and books/ websites .
Pete walker is a favorite here as he is a trauma survivor and remarkable therapist . quote
'path to recovery is at once daunting and vague.' Easy does it there is no expectations or rush here . use the site as you feel. for me i just read for a while before i posted further...
I wish u all the best on this phase of your recovery