Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse

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Patticake

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Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« on: March 10, 2019, 02:31:43 AM »
My older sister & I are only surviving members of FOO. I developed CPTSD in my early 20ís as did another sister who is now deceased. I am now 64 yrs. old. This sister & I have a long history of off & on communication.

She is like my narc F, but defenies or minimizes his abusive behavior of SA of me & my deceased sister. She states he didnít abuse her.  She is now very ill & we have re-engaged after no contact for several years.

I get very anxious during & after our conversations as she is so much like FOO in negativity & drama. I basically donít like her at all. Contact with her drains me & I sink into depression & darkness. I am considering going NC permanently, but because she is so ill, I donít know if that would be too cruel.

I am currently very ill from CPTSD. I am weak, fragile & lonely. I am widowed & barely able to endure any social interaction. I cannot get close to anyone in an authentic way.

Iím new here. Any suggestions would be helpful. Thank you for listening. :)
« Last Edit: March 10, 2019, 02:39:40 AM by Patticake »

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Boatsetsailrose

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Re: Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2019, 08:57:12 PM »
Hi patticake
Thank you for sharing ...glad you are here . i hear you ..
For me I'm.learning to keep firm boundaries with family ..limit contact, time i spend with them and have low no expectations . this is all balanced with keeping myself safe, trying to keep not getting ready traumatised is important.
Yep the negativity and drama is really draining ...
Are there ways that you can reduce contact even further eg 10min phone call ?
So important to put self care high and as you are unwell and struggling that has to come 1st.

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saylor

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Re: Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« Reply #2 on: March 10, 2019, 09:26:04 PM »
Hi Patticake, and welcome to this wonderful community of caring and understanding folks.
That's a tough dilemma, and I feel for you. I think there is a lot to consider. Whether it is cruel is, of course, one thing. But you should also consider the weakened state you feel you're in right now, and whether it's healthy for you to keep exposing yourself to a denier. Personally, I tend to get very triggered by someone invalidating what happened to me or my resultant (often debilitating) symptoms. People like that are people I have decided I *have* to cut out of my life, or I'll go insane. Long ago, I elected to go no-contact with my very abusive father, because he could never acknowledge what he did to me, and it made me so sick and angry. He ended up dying about a decade into our estrangement, without my knowing until after the fact. I am not regretful that things worked out that way (and haven't ever been, in the nearly 2 decades that have passed since his death). But that's just me...
Along those lines, how would you feel if she died during estrangement? If you think that might bother you, then it might be worth gritting your teeth and continuing to "be there for her" until she's gone. Certainly not a requirement, but something you might want to consider doing, depending upon whether you think you might end up being haunted by not having done so, once it's too late to change course.
I'm so sorry about your suffering and loneliness. CPTSD can really make life a nightmare. We're here to help support you

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notalone

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Re: Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« Reply #3 on: March 10, 2019, 11:21:34 PM »
Glad you reached out. Above all, do what is best for you. I hear the turmoil you are feeling about contact with your sister. Have clear boundaries to take care of yourself. Since you are so divided, maybe hold off on totally cutting off communication. It is always something you can decide to do in the future. Trust yourself and know it is okay to care for yourself.

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Dee

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Re: Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2019, 02:07:15 AM »

Unfortunately, I have had to deal with this with both my sister and my mother.  I am NC with my sister.  Being around her was like punishing myself, yet I felt obligated.  I was suffering from her manipulation and negativity and honestly just, plain nastiness.  She made comments that she knew were hurtful.  My therapist put it into perspective when she asked why I would want to be around the mean person?  She's right, just because she is my sister doesn't mean I have to be around the mean person.  We can't choose our family, if we chose our family like friends, I wouldn't have chosen her.  I would never have a friend who would treat me that way.

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Three Roses

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Re: Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« Reply #5 on: March 11, 2019, 02:43:54 AM »
Nothing to add to all the above, just a hearty "welcome" & glad you're here.
 :heythere:

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zeekoctane

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Re: Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« Reply #6 on: March 11, 2019, 05:20:16 PM »
It get complicated with family. Each child has their own perspective of events growing up. Each child remembers their own version. My siblings and I were all treated very differently and that creates a bigger variance in memories. I have not been here very long but every one this forum seem to be very caring. I wish you the best.

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Kizzie

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Re: Sister disagrees about our FOO neglect & abuse
« Reply #7 on: March 11, 2019, 06:44:02 PM »
That's a really tough position to be in Patticake and an even tougher decision to make.  Survivors are often put in the position of a rock and a hard place, it's the nature of the beast that is trauma sadly.

It came down to choosing for me several years ago after my F passed and I opened the door to my M and B more because of that. Without overstating things it ended up I had to go NC/LC because I was so fragile and sinking deeper into the darkness.  It wasn't a choice really, basically it was them or me. 

You have to be able to live with your decision though so I'm not suggesting you do go N/C. I just wanted to share my experience with you about it coming down to me surviving or sinking further b/c of exposure to them.  We need to consider our own health and in the end what will affect it positively or negatively.   

Lots of support here for you whatever you decide  :grouphug: