General Information

[Kizzie]

I recently (JAn 2020) changed the name of this forum from "Building Resiliency" to "Building Protective Factors" because oftentimes when people talk or write about resiliency it comes across (to me at least) as though trauma survivors haven't been trying hard enough and need to do better, be stronger, more positive, make lemonade out of the lemons we were handed, and so on.

Inadvertently or perhaps knowingly  this sends a message that the onus and responsibility for our well-being lies solely with us.  If anything we are already the epitome of resilience having survived ongoing abuse/neglect on our own with no-one in our corner.  What we actually need are kind,  compassionate and trauma informed others to help us navigate out of the storm - professionals, peers, family, friends... 

Resilience is more about building in protective factors and learning more positive, life affirming ways of being: having more compassion and kindness for ourselves; letting go of self-blame and shame; feeling emotions, being present and remembering; all the things that we could not be or did not learn as children but need to live authentically in the present and future. We can't do this on our own. Resiliency is born of connection, with our selves, others and our world.

Some resources about resiliency:

Rethinking Resiliency  - a brilliant animation that explains resiliency through a trauma informed lens - well worth a watch (about 3 mins). 

Panda's Island of Regulation - A video that depicts how children in healthy households learn to regulate their emotions in the face of stress (which in turn underscores why so many of us have difficulty with this). 

What would you do if you could play hooky for a day? - a helpful "take a break" reminder with a very short quiz

[woodsgnome]

Wow, Kizzie ... thanks so very much for posting this little gem. Sometimes it's these creative pieces that get to the core beyond even some of the more grandiose research pieces. 

[Kizzie]

I know, isn't it great?!     

[johnram]

thank you for the video, loved it

[Three Roses]

"relation-ship" Cute video!

[Kizzie]

I know right? Too funny.

[Blueberry]

"relation-ship" Cute video!

yeah.  I watched it a while ago.

I was taken aback at the conclusion too like thinking negatively about the traumatised ship.

[Kizzie]

Another article I found this morning by Sonia Connolly of Sundown Healing Arts - Consider Additional Truths.  It's about consideration for self and others.

Ideally, as we grow up we learn to balance consideration for others with consideration for ourselves. We see the adults around us treating others and themselves with care. We experience being treated with care.

Not what the vast majority of us here had sadly and so it is something we need to be aware of, learn and practice as adults. I learned to be considerate of everyone else but myself, so recovery has meant understanding that my needs/wants are important and that I will continue to erase myself if I don't attend to them.  Last week it was letting my H know when he was ill that I needed him to stop being so difficult b/c it was taking a lot out of me at a time when I needed to care for him.  He stopped and things went so much better for both of us.  Win-win  

This week it has been about putting our foot down in a real estate transaction where the buyer was asking for more than was reasonable.  We had to remind them that the transaction (sale of our house) is a two way street (i.e., they needed to be equally as considerate of us and not take advantage as they were starting to do). Felt good I must say. 

[Three Roses]

👍

[Blueberry]

   Super steps forward, Kizzie!

[Tee]

  that's awesome Kizzie!

[Kizzie]

Well the deal fell through after keeping us & our house sale tied up for two weeks - grrrrrrrr! 

[Kizzie]

Getting back on track, My trafficker is a survivor of child sexual abuse is a short article which helps to think about feeling a mix of compassion/understanding for our abusers when we learn they suffered trauma too, but still feeling angry and being unable to forgive.

[Hope67]

Sorry to hear that news about your deal falling through, Kizzie.  Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Kizzie]

Love hugs Hope (didn't always, even cyber ones), tks