N Mom

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Kizzie

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N Mom
« on: March 15, 2019, 04:47:55 PM »
My M has NPD and I am LC with her.  I had an email recently that reminded me so much of why I am here ended up here.  My B's adopted daughter (19) recently had a second baby and like the first child his father is not in the picture.  I made the mistake of asking my M how he was and she told me he was born with a deformed ear and was having tests to see what they can do about it.  She went on to 'reasssure' me that although life has been tough for a couple of years for her (I guess b/c her GD has challenges), she was OK and would be fine.  What the heck? How did this become about her?  Oh wait, I know this - she's a n N and everything is about her. 

I wrote back and said something like Oh my goodness, poor little guy, I hope they can help him.  I imagine his M must be very upset."  She probably won't get switching attention and concern to where it should be and didn't give her the "poor you" response she was fishing for but meh, I feel a little better having done my bit to avoid feeding the N need. Gah though, it brought back a lot of memories of how my successes and challenges were all about her and why I felt I was starving in what looked like a sea of plenty.
« Last Edit: March 15, 2019, 04:49:37 PM by Kizzie »

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Hope67

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #1 on: March 15, 2019, 04:52:39 PM »
I feel a little better having done my bit to avoid feeding the N need.

 :cheer: for responding as you did, Kizzie.     :hug:
Hope  :)

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notalone

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #2 on: March 15, 2019, 07:59:02 PM »
 :cheer: :grouphug:

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Three Roses

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #3 on: March 16, 2019, 12:54:55 AM »
 :hug: :applause:

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Blueberry

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #4 on: March 16, 2019, 12:59:17 AM »
 :applause: :applause: :applause: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

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Kizzie

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2019, 05:55:30 PM »
Tks everyone  ;D   The other good news I have re not letting N's take up too much real estate in my head and heart is that after the EMDR I did a few months back I do seem to have gotten unstuck from the Trump triggering. That said I do feel anger, sadness, revulsion at the things the man and his cronies do/do not do.  I cannot imagine being a US citizen and living with all the very real ramifications of his presidency.   :pissed:

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Anjulie

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2019, 06:06:20 PM »
That's great you got unstuck from the Trump triggering.
(By the way, I got triggert to see his youngest son when he became president - he seemed to suffer so much)
And I found your response to your M very inspiring.  :thumbup:

Re: N Mom
« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2019, 05:07:20 AM »
I also have LC with my NPD Mom. Iím contemplating going NC, since every time we do have an interaction she just sucks the air out of the room. I just canít stand being around someone who is so self absorbed.

Do you find yourself getting triggered after speaking with her?

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Blueberry

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2019, 02:29:28 PM »
Invisible daughter, I get triggered just thinking about my M. I'm VLC. It was a huge relief when I stated "No phone calls" as one boundary. FOO actually sticks to that too. After stating that boundary I noticed the relief. I hadn't realised beforehand to what extent continued contact with FOO was damaging me.

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Kizzie

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2019, 04:20:38 PM »
My M is very hard of hearing so I don't have to speak to her on the phone, we just email or talk in person which is only every 2 or 3 yrs.  I recently cut way back on emailing after realizing I had allowed her to flood my mailbox - 2 - 3 emails at least every day telling me when she got up, what she ate, even when she went to the bathroom.  She wants someone to be aware of her every breath -  the level of enmeshment and self-absorption was/is crazy. Such a relief as you say BB not to have telephone calls to dread.

Yes, very triggering when I was talking by telephone though, she's a master at hogging the stage and plowing right over the other person talking.  "Sucks the air out of the room" is a perfect description!

I totally get your forum name, that was how I felt for decades - invisible as a person, just a set of ears to listen (and listen and listen .....) never to be.  We're not invisible though and no-one, let alone our parent should ever make us feel that way.  I have a coaster in my office that reads "I'm sorry I slapped you but you didn't seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked."  I see it every day and it's a great reminder ;D

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ellachimera

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #10 on: May 05, 2019, 06:23:12 PM »
KIzzie, I love your coaster, can I borrow it?  ;D

However, I am more afraid of doing that to other people than of other people doing it to me. I have this tendency to over-explain all the time, it's like all my learnt silence and forced listening as a kid became oversharing as an adult. Am I becoming my mother? God, I hope not! I so hope I am not.

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Blueberry

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Re: N Mom
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2019, 07:43:52 PM »
Such a relief as you say BB not to have telephone calls to dread.

Yes. What is kind of crazy, or actually maybe just sad, is that it wasn't until after I'd instigated the no-phone-calls rule that I noticed what a relief it was. Beforehand I wasn't even aware of the dread I was feeling day in, day out.

Yes, very triggering when I was talking by telephone though, she's a master at hogging the stage and plowing right over the other person talking. 

That sounds very familiar. Once I took M up on her interruptions, face to face, when I was visiting my parents. She seemed to think it was OK to plow right over somebody else if it was "to point out something interesting" while we were on a walk. Um, noooo, not necessarily, especially not without apologising and going back to the original topic.