Why Do I Stay?

[B1ackbird]

My friend is worried about me. He knows my history with my husband and it was mostly assumed to be in the past.

A couple incidents of abuse happened in the last 6 months though and he told me he genuinely can’t understand why I stay. He’s trying to figure out what he’s missing.

I don’t even know what to say. How do you make someone understand you love your abuser? I’m sitting here trying find the words, the right explanation on why it’s not that simple to pack a bag and walk out.

Don’t need actual answers, just thought maybe others feel or have felt the same.

[Blueberry]

I stayed in normal contact and then after a period of low contact I got into normal contact with my parents and other FOO mbrs. Maybe not quite the same but there were people around me who queried that one. So I do understand. It can take time to remove yourself from dysfunction.

I suppose you / we don't have to make somebody else understand. We just have to know for ourselves.

[Kizzie]

My abusers were my family so I stayed when I was a child b/c I had no choice.  When I became an adult though I stayed in contact  b/c I hoped they would change and would love me as I wanted and deserved.  I loved them and wanted them to love me and I really thought if I just did or said the right thing that would happen.  It didn't and when I finally realized that, I had no choice but to go no/low contact because my health (psychological  and physical) was suffering.  In my case people didn't understand why I left (b/c my family did not appear abusive), so that's different from your situation but perhaps the underlying feelings of why we stay are.

[Three Roses]

I answered that question once with the response, "Well, I guess because it's the only thing I know." We live what we've learned... It takes time to unlearn patterns of behavior.

Be kind to yourself.   

[LilyITV]

Three Roses, I loved your response!

B1ackbird, I can definitely relate to why you stay with your husband.  Although I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, I was in an emotionally abusive one for 10 years in my youth.  When I left the relationship, even I didn't understand why I had stayed in  such a relationship so long but now I do after learning about C-PTSD.