staying in a bad relationship so I'm not completely isolated

[saturnine]

There's a lot to the situation with my current partner, and I won't belabor every detail, but I'll share the parts that trouble me the most.

I don't think we're a great match for each other. But does that inspire me to leave the relationship? No. I put up with less than what I deserve consistently because I believe it's the only thing I'm capable of getting. I've been trying for the past two years to make new friends with the hopes of seeing that there are other caring people out there, but every connection I've tried to make has fizzled or failed to start. I don't have the tools, or skills, or I'm just too defended to let people in or get to know them. He was able to slip through the cracks because of how eager he was to get to know me...it made it easier to open up. I'm so terrified of being alone that I make excuses for his behavior and I'll work to save the relationship at any cost.

Recently he's broken up with me twice - out of the blue both times. The first time, he took it back shortly after saying it. The second time he did it, I tried to cut off all contact, but he went so far as to leave notes on my car and show up to my house unannounced to tell me what a mistake he made. Both times I took him back (out of fear of being alone) and now I'm losing myself trying to keep him happy so he doesn't do it a third time. I haven't raised any issues with him and I've tried to be this sunshiney person that I know I'm not just to make sure he'll stay. I feel like I can't show my true emotions to him otherwise he'll break up with me again.

And if he does it again, it's final. If he shows up at my house, I'm getting a restraining order. I have the common sense to know that I can't entertain this complete lack of regard for my feelings. But I'm so afraid of it getting to that point that it seems like I'm willing to do anything to avoid him leaving me. I live now with a constant unease that I'm not allowed to be my true self and I get stuck on thoughts of abandonment - what if he decides to break up with me today? What if he doesn't love me anymore? And the thing is, I know logically that this isn't a good relationship for me! But I can't let go of it because he's the only person in my life left to show me love. Without him, it's just me, and in my dark places I don't have enough self-love to survive on. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but it's this utter fear of being left alone that I know comes from the oldest childhood wounds. I know I would be coping better if I had a stronger support system, but it's just not there.

Does anybody else have this fear? Any advice on how to better handle the idea of being completely alone - no friends, no family?

[Kizzie]

Humans aren't wired to be completely alone so it's totally understandable how you feel. 

CPTSD makes finding, building and nurturing healthy relationships so difficult unfortunately. Most of us here struggle with them and given what we've been through it's completely understandable imo. 

What about getting into therapy, and/or a women's group to start to build a support net and help grow your confidence and self-esteem?  Being here and posting is also good, you have a 'tribe' of sorts now that you found for yourself and reached out to - a good first step! 

[Rainagain]

This might sound silly but how about trying to explore being alone while still in a relationship?

Take a few hours every week for yourself, switch off the phone and ensure you are not disturbed.

It doesn't matter what you do during that time, but you have chosen to be alone not because you have no choice.

I'm alone most of the time and it can be tough, but you get used to it I find.

And boundaries/routines are generally helpful.

I find I miss company but when I'm in company I quickly miss being alone.

[saturnine]

What about getting into therapy, and/or a women's group to start to build a support net and help grow your confidence and self-esteem?  Being here and posting is also good, you have a 'tribe' of sorts now that you found for yourself and reached out to - a good first step! 

Thanks Kizzie for your reply - it made me a little teary to read that somebody really can understand what I'm going through. I feel so hidden/misunderstood in daily life that it's refreshing to have a place to share my issues. I go to therapy every week and it helps, but progress is very slow. The last trauma support group I tried didn't really work out, but I could try looking for another one. I'm also trying to get on a wait list for an IOP program for trauma survivors so I'm doing what I can! It's a tall mountain to climb and I know I've only just started.

This might sound silly but how about trying to explore being alone while still in a relationship?

I like that idea of switching off the phone to get some alone time. A lot of the times when I'm alone, I'm flipping through social media or watching youtube to ward off lonely feelings. After the last breakup, we decided that we needed more space so we went from seeing each other almost every day to only once or twice per week. It's disappointing to not be able to have someone around more often, but it's helpful for learning to build my own life and practice being alone. It's comforting to hear that it gets easier with time because despite how badly I don't want to be alone, that's how things seem to be shaking out and I'm going to need to adjust.

[Kizzie]

You have definitely found somewhere you can say what you need/want to about your trauma and the struggles you going through Saturnine, we do get it.