New Member - Trigger warning Physical/sexual/emotional abuse/domestic violence

Started by brightlight, March 21, 2019, 06:24:24 PM

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brightlight

Hi everyone,  :wave:

I'm so glad I found OOTS website and forum. It helps me to understand why I have the problems I do, especially recognising how detrimental emotional abuse can be in childhood and adolescence.

My first memories were hearing my dad beat my mum whilst I was in bed and witnessing violence as a toddler but being unable to help. My mum over disciplined my brother and myself when we were very young, this included hitting us with a belt although she did sometimes leave bruises and I never remember what I did wrong. Do some people even regard this as abuse? It was the late 80's possibly early 90's. There was some sexual abuse. For me though the final nail in the coffin was my mum left and got a new boyfriend who had a drink problem and severely emotionally abused my brother and I. I was 12/13 when this started. The constant criticism, humiliation, name calling saying things like 'Only a mother could love that' purposely never referring to me by my name but by swear words or other derogatory forms. Anything could set him off, living in constant fear.

When I was meant to start my life as a teenager I felt totally disconnected from the world like I'm not a part of it, had no social skills, felt utterly unworthy, I didn't understand I was suffering from very bad anxiety, then came the severe depression and of course isolation. I'm sorry to write this but I hated men - I don't now. I didn't know how to start my life but I wanted a life.

The last 3-3.5 years I've had bad depression and was highly medicated and all I was doing was sleeping. I came out of this in August 2018 but I'm faced with the reality I feel like I have no life. Things have improved from childhood/teenage years but it seems to be taking forever and I'm still burdened by no intervention and the devastating impact on my life. The lack of trust/social anxiety and emotional overwhelm have been big hurdles for me.

I feel despair for the loss of a life I've not been able to live and feeling my life has been taken from me. I want all the things everyone else in life has or takes for granted and I know I deserve this. Having said that, does anyone else have a deep rooted feeling that you are not good enough or are undeserving of love? I hate even writing that.

I hope I have not overshared. I'm glad I found a place where we can support each other. I'm glad I'm not alone with CPTSD but I'm sorry there are so many of us who have suffered.

woodsgnome

Welcome to OOTS, Brightlight!  :wave:

I'm touched by your path to get here, it really is like finally reaching the other side of a very fierce storm. I'd like to respond to our question: "...does anyone else have a deep rooted feeling that you are not good enough or are undeserving of love? I hate even writing that. ...I hope I have not overshared."

Yes, I feel very undeserving of love. I'm older, so the journey has been long, and has gone through several cycles of better times mixed with sinking into despair. I give myself some good pep talks (not sure if that's not my inner critic prodding me), then get down on myself for the strangest reasons, like it's my back to normal ... and I hate writing that as well.

I even used to get phone calls from a lady who'd known me for several years (she died a few years ago) who would always, and sincerely, remind me that "you are loved". I remember just kind of shaking that off and not even considering myself worthy of that. Yet there was the deepest sincerity in what she insisted on telling me. When she was dying she even had her daughter call me and insisted she pass that message along. It's very hard to turn to love when it's never been present before. I miss those calls so badly now.

So glad you've found this site/forum. I think it is a wonderful (although the topics can be heavy) place where, if nothing else, there's a wealth of information and, most important, real people sharing the puzzle of finding a way forward despite all the past and current troubles resulting from cptsd.

You deserve love. I hope you can handle that better than I did (and still do).

brightlight

Hi Woodsgnome,

Thank you for your welcome and message.

It's hard to truly believe you deserve love when the people who were meant to love and protect you the most hurt you the worse. I'm sorry to hear about your friend passing and what a lovely thing to do, asking her daughter to pass on the message 'you are loved' when she was dying. She must have really thought a lot of you.

I think being told something positive over and over again will work beneficially over time.




Three Roses

Welcome, brightlight! You definitely have not over shared. Thank you for joining!
:heythere:

Kizzie

Welcome BrightLight  :heythere:   

Quotedoes anyone else have a deep rooted feeling that you are not good enough or are undeserving of love?

IMO this is actually the core wound in CPTSD no matter what kind of abuse/neglect we were subjected to. In the end our sense of self, our worth and belonging on this planet is what's damaged.

What helps me is to think of whether I behave as my abusers -  am I abusive, unkind, invalidating, demeaning, untrustworthy  ... ?  The answer? No.   

Not Alone

brightlight,

Glad you have found this website. You did not overshare. This is a place where people understand. Welcome.