Surviving even if 'they' don't get it ...

[woodsgnome]

 A couple days back, I was telling  someone of my excited reaction to an inspiring talk given by a person who'd survived some very deep abuse. The person I was sharing this with (one of only 2 who have much knowledge  of my painful past) reacted by slipping into her standard monologue of "well, people back then were different" ... STOP, I WANT TO SCREAM. 


I had just been describing how the speaker I'd heard had very expertly explained how abuse victims hear things differently and -- immediately I get one of those standard "you have to understand them" responses tossed back at me. The sort of line that makes me cringe, shrink from saying anything more about my feelings, and resign myself to hiding my honest feelings yet again. And ... so much for the inspiring talk I'd wanted to share my excitement about with her.

NOOOOO. I will not understand, there's no point to trying; 'they' hurt me, no more need be said. I felt betrayed, unloved, scorned, and more. Still, I DID survive and have been on a long journey ever since. Survival doesn't mean I turn back and throw understanding into what I can't ever, ever understand. Why would I want to? I can only unburden as best I can, on my own terms.


Understand it? Why? It was senseless then; and remains so. But I'm still left with huge chunks of my life shattered. I feel the sting when certain comments get made certain ways that invalidates me. I'm still okay, more than okay; but enduring comments implying I just need to understand better is a form of verbal abuse (even if unintentional) implying I must not be good enough. At least that's how I heard it, and yes, I'm very sensitive. Will someone please understand that? I have to wonder. 

I am okay, and it's all I can be. Okayness is a lot, considering how I could just give up on sharing any part of my vulnerable undercurrent. While the abuse doesn't define my life, its aftermath has left a long trail of symptoms that continue to influence me.  Perhaps I just need to steel myself for unfortunate comments from people who, in the end, weren't there and don't understand (or want to) what it's like to be victimized to the point of raw senselessness.

It's still lonely, though. Very. But circling back to the talk mentioned above, the speaker eloquently spoke of survival as all that mattered, and how the slings of others can never, ever destroy that accomplishment. So what if they don't get it ... we do.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry you've just had to deal with this kind of thing. I want to scream too when I hear similar.

[Three Roses]

My reaction to getting the "times were different then" spiel is an eye roll. Usually internal but sometimes it shows up on my face. The eyes glaze over, shoulders sag, "ugh, not again...couldn't you say something original?"

They don't get it. Unless they've lived the sort of abuse we've been thru, they couldn't possibly. While I'm glad these well-meaning individuals will never understand, I do wish they would stop saying things that are the opposite of helpful.

[Kizzie]

Like BB and TR, I'm so sorry the person did not hear you Woodsgnome.   

Perhaps I just need to steel myself for unfortunate comments from people who, in the end, weren't there and don't understand (or want to) what it's like to be victimized to the point of raw senselessness.

Is this person someone you could speak to about how the comment made you feel and why?

[woodsgnome]

Kizzie wondered: "Is this person someone you could speak to about how the comment made you feel and why?"

Probably not, for a whole slew of reasons. I think it becomes more of a boundary issue for me, as I've heard her in this vein of non-listening all too frequently. I'll just know to be more savvy, I guess; this one just hurt more as I was trying to explain (again) where I'm often coming from when I hear beliefs some people seem to hold about abuse victims as being somehow gullible or themselves at fault for what happened to them.   

In my post I mentioned 2 people I felt I could trust; now, except for some surface sharing perhaps, I guess it reverts to 1, and I would be truly shocked if that last person would ever not 'get it', per her background in interpersonal communications and in having worked with troubled kids herself.

The original observations I was wanting to share with the person were from notes I'd taken from the speech of a victim referred to in the first post of this thread. So I'll just post them here, where people do 'get it'.

"You should never ask a victim a question that starts with the words, 'Why didn't you?'" [escape; fight back; resist, etc.] she said. "Because they hear, 'You should have.' And honestly, the victim survived. They already won. They did whatever it took. And to the outsider it may not always be clear, they may not understand, but I can tell you that whatever they did, they survived."








     

[Not Alone]

When people say insensitive things like that to me, they mentally go into a "don't tell that person personal details" file in my brain. We all say insensitive things sometimes, but if it is a few times I'm wary. I figure those people are not in touch with their own feelings, so they are unable to be empathetic. The careless words of your friend were a wall to protect her. Regardless of the "why," still very hurtful.

Glad you were inspired by the speaker.

"You should never ask a victim a question that starts with the words, 'Why didn't you?'" [escape; fight back; resist, etc.] she said. "Because they hear, 'You should have.' And honestly, the victim survived. They already won. They did whatever it took. And to the outsider it may not always be clear, they may not understand, but I can tell you that whatever they did, they survived."

Absolutely!






     

     
[/quote]

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear she is not someone you feel you could talk to authentically about how her comment made you feel WG, yet another loss.

[radical]

Sorry to hear, WG.
It always has to be somewhere far away in location or time for many to be able to hear our truth.  Then it is batted away anyway with any number of dismissals. usually, "but that was then ...(or there)..."

It makes for such disconnection and isolation for everyone, those living in denial and those who can't.  I'm always amazed that people find it so easy to hurt those who have been hurt to avoid the discomfort of hearing about their hurt.

I don't know what the answer is. But good for you in not accepting this person's behaviour as your due.  It is necessary to respond.  I wish there was a magic formula for dealing that didn't bring more pain, but in the longer term the price of accepting being erased is higher I think.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks to all,  ...it's comforting  to be able to come here and find others who understand the territory. It truly is priceless and soothes the utter loneliness of wandering about with that empty feeling that no one quite understands.

[Kizzie]

   and 

[Oscen]

Hi Woodsgnome, I'm sorry too that you had this response. This kind of invalidation is painful.

I agree with the comments made here; the speaker was putting up a wall to protect themselves because they are not in touch with their own feelings.

I like Radical's phrase: "those living in denial and those who can't".

In a weird way, I think it is the upside of trauma  - we have been disabused of the notion that life is just.
So we don't have to do mental backflips to excuse every bit of unpleasantness we see around us.
We don't start victim-blaming in order to convince ourselves it could never happen to us.
We can see life as is, and it doesn't shatter our fragile worldview or delicate sense of self.
The challenge for us is not to slip into depression; the strength is we have the power to see the truth.

We have a solid foundation to build our life on, while others who have not suffered what we have are content to build theirs on the shifting sands of illusion.
They seem to be doing well, but all it takes is a story like yours and they are retreating into their defences; sometimes viciously.
Thanks but no thanks.

[WideSargassoSea]

That drives me crazy too when I hear it. The other one I hate is 'Well, it's genetic', when excusing the actions of parents, or sadly, blaming themselves only, for the troubles they have, instead of considering the role of their early upbringing.